I think I am going to get to where I need to go, but I need to work on it every day. I don't need to hone every moment into a purpose driven onslaught of weight-loss, self discovery and emotional growth... but I do need to make enough time for it.
I have recently thrown myself headlong into a whirlpool of hobbies and social things which for a closet recluse like me is an amazing development. I do need to figure out a decent balance with the responsible things in life though. It's all well and good to get caught up in doing cool things but I risk sliding backwards if I do so. So forwards... ever forwards.
I am going to try and go for longer and longer walks, I want to explore my town and find things I have never seen before. I think armed with an mp3 of screeching music and a little wanderlust I might just have a chance at leveling up... erm I mean becoming the Eli I want to be.
At the moment I have this ludicrous idea in my head that I am still unworthy of being anyone's friend. It's a brutal calling card left over from the gory days (And I do mean gory) of when my self esteem was attempting to find out what was underneath rock bottom. It's a little hard to talk about this or try to convey it, but imagine if by the light of day you knew yourself to be awesome, like absolutely fantastic, but in the wee hours of the morning you critique yourself like an angry movie goer critiques a movie. My greatest strengths at dawn seem like my greatest weaknesses come nightfall.
I think the problem with having a long memory is that even though other people now seldom say horrible things to me I added their voices to my internal doubt as backing vocals. I am growing a reaction, a knee jerk response to my illogical brooding. When I hear the choir of self doubt inside me whispering that "I can't do this" I am screaming back at the void a chorus of swear words I shall not repeat here.
I seek the strength to forge a resolute will to keep my on my path and protect me from myself. I am going to banish the demons that use my voice and seek to figure out what makes me tick (It's likely mechanical in nature). Above all else, I am going to be adamant in my unwillingness to apologize for who I am, not to anyone. If you don't like that the door is the hole in the wall, you'll find it easier to fit through than I will ;)
Eli Moon
