I'm going to start this by saying that most of time I can let things go and not get my worked up, but every now and then it just gets too much.
So the other I had an interesting experience, I went shopping at the supermarket and had the misfortune of my mp3 player pause between songs at just the wrong moment. To my dismay in a crowded super market I hear the shrill voice of a small child laughing and saying "Daddy look at that big fat man!". Lets just freeze time right there for a second.
In that moment the first thought that popped into my head was. *I am not a man* Because in my mind I'm not. I don't have the grown up outlook on life to consider myself an adult and masculinity is so far out of my reach I might as well be jumping for the stars...
The second thought was *Damn, that just happened.*
These two thoughts kept me stunned as I walked past this family unit... until my third thought kicks in. Most eloquently expressed as
*Rarghhhhhhhhh!*
My fist clench's my now lifeless mp3 player and I turn at lock my eyes on "Daddy" from fifteen metres away I burn holes into the mans head. I'm angry. I'm angry at this man not teaching his kid that people are different, I'm angry at his kid laughing, I'm angry that I'm embarrassed and I'm angry at me. He doesn't notice me. Anger subsides slowly.
I turn away and my eyes dart to my shopping basket. I remove everything without merit and go and spend the last of my money of healthy food. I do this not because I want to, but because someone else has laughed at me into feeling crap about the body I live in.
I want to be healthy and feel good about myself. I want to feel pretty. I want to go out in public and not be laughed at.
But I'm not going to do anything because other people make me feel bad. I will do it for myself, slowly clawing back my health like a pissed off sloth and when I'm done you won't recognize the person you laughed at.
I'm overweight. I'm also intelligent, kind and hilarious. I am more than what I present myself to be and every time someone has counted me down I surprise them. After feeling crap for a good portion of that night I went out dancing with some friends and danced until three in the morning. I can't dance by the way, but I did.
Eli Nelson
Tuesday, 16 September 2014
Sunday, 7 September 2014
Part 27: "Its going to take you places"
I have realized how indispensable anger is to me. It is my fuel. Over the course of filming this documentary the director asked me what had changed in me after of long of living the apathetic lifestyle of a boy wanting to die... I thought about it for quite a while and then it hit me. I wasn't angry enough. I wasn't angry enough at life, at the situation and most importantly I wasn't angry enough at myself.
Somewhere down the line I started to get frustrated, then angry, and finally furious all without making a change. I built up this feeling until it one day manifested into an angry walk to the beach. It was my first angry walk to the beach... It was not my last. I would be nowhere without that first angry walk, nothing happens instantly and that was the point where I knew I could do something... different.
Now that I'm plenty angry and those bursts of energy and rage want to propel me to a better place I'm pretty keen to let them. I admit I messed up, I let myself get to a point that required a massive revamp of my personally and outlook on life. I let myself become this shell of a person. I stopped enjoying things like other peoples company and going to work. Pardon my french but, Je ne suis pas fait jurer! Thats no life to live.
It would have been nice to rely on love, hope and the power of rainbows to get me through but If I need to smack punching bags around like a heavy weight contender then so be in. Punching bags feel my wrath! I swear they tremble when I show up at the gym. Anger gets things done. It takes me from feeling useless to destroying whatever junk food managed to follow me home this week.
I'm going to control this useful dark force and direct it where I want it to go and when I have no use for my anger... hopefully there is none left in me. I need it for now because there is so very far to go and I need the drive and passion. A couple of years from now I'm going to be a new person with no need for any darkness but today I'm glad I have some.
Somewhere down the line I started to get frustrated, then angry, and finally furious all without making a change. I built up this feeling until it one day manifested into an angry walk to the beach. It was my first angry walk to the beach... It was not my last. I would be nowhere without that first angry walk, nothing happens instantly and that was the point where I knew I could do something... different.
Now that I'm plenty angry and those bursts of energy and rage want to propel me to a better place I'm pretty keen to let them. I admit I messed up, I let myself get to a point that required a massive revamp of my personally and outlook on life. I let myself become this shell of a person. I stopped enjoying things like other peoples company and going to work. Pardon my french but, Je ne suis pas fait jurer! Thats no life to live.
It would have been nice to rely on love, hope and the power of rainbows to get me through but If I need to smack punching bags around like a heavy weight contender then so be in. Punching bags feel my wrath! I swear they tremble when I show up at the gym. Anger gets things done. It takes me from feeling useless to destroying whatever junk food managed to follow me home this week.
I'm going to control this useful dark force and direct it where I want it to go and when I have no use for my anger... hopefully there is none left in me. I need it for now because there is so very far to go and I need the drive and passion. A couple of years from now I'm going to be a new person with no need for any darkness but today I'm glad I have some.
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