Elephant Paths

 There is this thing in society called elephant paths which are defined as "informal trails created by people's everyday movements in public spaces. These paths are often the most direct, efficient, and natural route to a destination, and can differ from paved walkways." 

When I'm out walking I seem to pass them things frequently, they pop up everywhere and its this really interesting thing about human nature, we will pursue what we want quite often in the easiest most direct way. You might be thinking... hey Eli... why are you spending this much time thinking about elephant paths? Well... first I would like to remind you that you have no obligation to read this, but given the sunk cost fallacy you'll probably want to know what the heck my point is.  

I seem to relate strongly as an addict to the idea of the simple most direct path to get what I want has always been the one I have previously taken. Anything to feed the addiction was done with haste and all other things were irrelevant. The whole idea of the elephant paths is that they are quite often cutting corners and boy do I feel that. 

People that have known me my whole life describe me as lazy, I've never felt that was a very accurate way to describe me. I'm incredibly driven, scarily so when its a path that I want to forge. The underhanded ingenuity of Eli the food addict as a small child was a huge demonstration of that drive.  I remember that my mother offered me my bus money as a an incentive to bike to school hoping that it would help with my weightloss... I'd cycle seven kilometres to school with quite often five budget 1.5L cola bottles in my bag that I'd spent my bus money on and take the effort to hide the bottles when I'd finished with them. My shoulders would ache from the weight of the drinks by the time I got home and yet I did it every day. 

Still to this day I am driven by this maniac desire to chase what I want to chase. Food being removed from the equation is all well and good but then this gaping hole in me that I used to shove a cheeseburger (or four) into is still remaining. I'm trying however to lead my inner elephant rather than let it forge it's own path and I have somehow managed to exert self control that I didn't know that I had. I think as I grow into myself emotionally while shrinking physically this drive I have is going to be potentially my biggest hurdle and my greatest asset, I just have to learn to want things that are good for me and channel my relentlessness into pursuing these.

Unearthing Eli

I think its important to understand why I eat. Understanding where this came from is the only way to deconstruct it permanently. The addiction is still there after fourteen months. The need to eat hasn't disappeared completely though I have managed to point the need to consume towards much better foods such as apples instead of a loaf of bread. 

I'm not hungry, I'm lucky enough that I've rarely known true hunger. I used to eat in times of depression or restlessness. It's still these periods that are the most risky for me to this current day. I've managed to get a good grip on my depression for the most part and there are only a few things that throw me into a slump now. Restlessness is a new beast, I've only recently started identifying this as a trigger for my eating and I am quickly realizing it might be the main one. 

I'm coming to terms with the changes in my body fairly easily. My body is improving and able to do more and more as I lose the weight and gain the confidence. An interesting and certainly unforeseen part of all of this for me has been the changes to my brain. Since obtaining my sleep machine I have been able to sleep and breathe for the first time in my adult life at a fairly normal rate. This has meant my brain is now functioning sooooo much quicker. 

I've been unable to sit still, unable to focus on things unless I am painting at the same time. (Come on, you must have wondered about the figurines at this point!) I'm finding that my life while still filling up with more and more as my energy levels increase feels under stimulating and I spiral when I have nothing to do or no progress can be made on whatever I am currently working at whether that's physical, creative or otherwise. Given this and other factors I'm looking into an ADHD diagnosis as that might help explain some of my manic traits/restless eating. 

For now I am coping, I'm continuing to do the work, responsibly decrease the food and do my best, It's all I can do at this point! 

 

“The Elephant in the Room”

I guess I’m starting a blog again. I think someone writing a blog entry should sound confident about the fact that they are writing a blog entry… but I’m unsure if I’ll finish this and further unsure if I’ll post it. 

I've avoided talking about my journey a fair bit the last year, I’ve wanted to “Do the Work” first and not just talk about doing the work. The last time I did well losing weight (30kgs+ in 2020) I got a bit lost in the feelings of it all and was still feeling from a thousand little emotional problems. Now in the present day, I’m overall a lot happier and my journey seems a lot more settled this time and far less maniac. (Last couple of weeks aside) 

So I’m thinking I need to start talking again, partially for me because talking about the emotional stuff should help overall and partially for the just sheer amount of people I’ve been talking to recently that have expressed how much they found it helpful the small amount I have shared already. 

In my writing I tend to cover the following topics, Mental Health, Weightloss, bullying, Eating Disorders and more so fair warning if that's too much for you. 

So with that aside, let me begin with 

“The Elephant in the Room”

Hi I’m Eli Moon. Welcome to my blog. 

Lets not shy away from things, I’m fat. It’s not a bad word. Its a fact. Actually I’m morbidly obese. I used to hate that term because it was thrown around as an insult in primary school. I mean it’s not like “Fat” wasn’t leveled at me plenty, It was. But morbidly obese used to hit me differently. 

Morbidly obese felt to me that I’d eaten myself into a whole new category of human, this is how young Eli saw it at least. To me it seemed that I’d crossed over to being this creature, rather than a little lad with a lot of anger and an eating problem. I struggled to understand what was happening to me and my self esteem was far more influenced by the images portrayed by fat people on the TV which sadly even in the 90s was pretty dismal. Fat people tended to be portrayed in media as a caricature, “The bumbling idiot, slob or rich villain” I internalized far more about myself from stereotypes than the many beautiful compliments that were no doubt levelled at me from people who knew and loved me. 

I think it’s telling that it wasn’t until my mid twenties that I can’t remember a compliment, For a long they were like sand through my fingers, slipping through without and ability to hang on to them. I think I struggled to want to hold on to them because to me they were lies. How can someone believe a compliment when they have no idea of their own self worth, instead they hear them and instantly want to cast them aside because it challenges their world view. The world told me for a long time I was “less” and for a long time I believed it. 

A catalyst for change always has to occur. There came a point where I had to either give up completely on me as a person or learn to like myself a little bit, just a tiny fraction or else it would have been the end of me. I think it was at my worst point that the will to live kicked in and a tiny bit of reluctant sunlight began to shine on me. I think some people would like to see themselves as a glorious tree or perhaps a flower, I myself am a weed. I am hard to eradicate, even for myself. 

I suddenly noticed people saying these really nice things, things that conflicted still with my worldview but I noticed also I wasn’t dismissing them out of hand. Instead I’d let a little bit of it in and slowly my view of myself began to change… maybe I was worth fighting for.

I think so much this image of ourselves shapes the ability to change. I needed to like myself more for it to happen but in order to like myself I needed to start hearing a completely different message than what I was letting in.

Gosh this isn’t a massively optimistic first entry is it? I’m sorry about that. I can assure you Its going to be honest, which is likely more helpful than optimistic. I'm still learning to like myself and reprogram my brain into something that accepts that I am a beautiful, witty and kind individual, but for now I am a weed in the garden, ineradicable and thriving.

Eli Moon

Part 39: Return of the Moon

 Hey folks, had a bit of a shit couple of months there and fell off the wagon. I make no excuses, it just happened. I've renewed my efforts with some help and hope to do better. It's blood hard though. I didn't want to start up talking about it until I'd had at least a while of doing quite well again for fear of feeling like I'd failed earlier.

I have attempted to quit my love affair with carbs a few times before in the past, overall carbs are doing pretty well kicking the crap out of me. It's like round 9921 and I've been on the floor since round 6 just getting pummeled by a wrestling loaf of Freya's multigrain tag teaming with a block of cheese. 

I'm hoping that this time I find something more to live for than what I have valued previously. I'm going to do my best and just keep at it. Swimming is key. 

Off to be a MerMoon now. 

Part 38: Unexpected...

 Today marks the most eventful swimming trip I've had. I'd been doing well having my hours climb slowly as I put in the work to meet my goals and had a new swimming buddy join me today. Towards the end of the swim though she began to feel a bit short of breath and we slowly got out of the pool. 

It was clear that something was wrong and with her medical history I was pretty concerned as she wasn't really able to talk and breathe at the same time. We called the lifeguard over who arrived just in time to witness my friend collapse into me... as the softest surface in the pool she did well to hit me rather than the hard stone floor. 

I was conflicted, I knew that she had these episodes and that fainting was something she dealt with on a daily basis and that her protocol was not to call an ambulance. But heck, if someone is unconscious I am going to have to call the "Heals on Wheels". Fortunately the lifeguards are bound by some dark secret oath to call them if people are in dire circumstances so that removed any doubt for me. 

The paramedics showed up a little while after my friend regained consciousness and fitted her with heart monitors and did their best to deal with my rather horrid sense of humor (Which is honestly so bad in a crisis). I was so glad that she ended up being ok but overall it was a pretty freaky experience. 

The lifeguards were great and helpful but my take away from this is that if you feel at all ill while in the pool... get the hell out of there. That would have been so damn hard to extract an unconscious person from the water. 

A big thank you to the paramedics and the staff at Huia pool. :) 

Part 37: Sunset

 I think this last month I have wanted to give up at least once a day. Give up on diets and leaving the house and exercise. Give up on seeing my loved ones or work or just anything. Then as quickly as those moods fall they leave unexpectedly. You know what though... thats ok. 

That's ok because I haven't given up, I have continued to move. I've managed to continue reducing my carbs and sugar and despite setbacks I've kept fighting. I think if I was only fighting when things were easy this attempt was doomed from the get go. I'm glad to have some perseverance. 

So in the spirit of that allow me to focus on the things that are going ok. I've been able to fight again at sword fighting once more and with semi decent stamina, I've been able to walk longer and longer distances and oh... I joined a gym and have actually used it! I think the fact that I am liking more and more how I look is good for my self esteem too. I am so sorry for the selfie barrage... 

I'd like to think the anti depressants are helping too, I might just need more of em... or bigger ones! But thats ok, it wasn't gonna be an instant fix and nothing ever is you know. I think that this whole situation is going to require patience which normally I'm good at. 

I am also trying to make sure I focus on the little things that cheer me up. Like I've set an alarm the last couple of days so I don't miss the sunset and I can enjoy that with a coffee and daydream. Soon I'm going to be able to do this ritual on the beach after an ocean swim and I am absolutely excited. 

Sunset in Wellington is 6:04 tonight. 

Part 36: Chew until happy.

Yesterday I took a big step and went to the doctor for some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. I have been in this position before and they didn't work too well for me so I'm a little apprehensive to try again but it's got to the point that they aren't really optional. My brain doesn't function well... and that's ok.

I wish I could confess that this journey was as simple as just weight loss but I know that if I don't get my head right I'm going to end up right back where I started. In the spirit of honesty that I started this whole thing in I wanted to explain a bit about how the depression affects me and because I think its super important to be open about these things so others that are struggling can see that they aren't alone.

Depression for me manifests as this apathetic monster that makes it hard to do anything, it's like a shadow that weighs you down and you scream inside for the energy that it takes from you. It makes me feel like I am in an abusive relationship with myself. Depression makes me barter with it everyday for the energy to go outside, to see people or do some really basic things. I couldn't describe how much bartering everyday I have to do with my shadow to get it to let me go swimming, it's just monumental.

Self care is the first thing that slides and the last thing to come back as my sanity improves. The idea of looking after myself is just so exotic and bizarre when I'm in my worst states... so I just don't. I don't drink water, I forget to shave, I make terrible food choices and occasionally I'll just not get out of bed and just feel exhausted despite having just woken. I struggle to find a reason to do anything for me, which is peculiar as I'll fight planets for my loved ones.

Ok... deep breath.

All I've described is the stuff for years that I've termed manageable... stuff I can live with, I'd put in place stuff to deal with the worst aspects, I have good support and some decent coping strategies. I'd started therapy to deal with some past trauma and I was doing pretty well until I splintered slightly and my shadow dragged my down and made me confront the Pandora's box of bullshit I've got shackling me to it.

Life got tough and I felt suicidal. I just wanted to not exist and all of the things I'd built my life around seemed pointless and fragile. Paranoia began to run rampant and I couldn't move most days. I struggled to swim and I just wanted to cancel everything. I wanted to bail on all of my obligations for a month, I wanted to just blast loud music and have it drown out my thoughts.

I kept going because I was expected...

"I've got something on on friday, I've got to be around for that"

That's a weird thought to keep living for. The fact that you'd told someone you'd be somewhere, or do something or the fact that you'd borrowed a video game six months ago from a friend and they needed it back (I'm still playing it, I swear). I think the main thought that always gets me through is Friend/Family/Endangered species needs me and I can't let them down as a crescendo of snarky concerned thoughts bombard me with "Don't you need you too?!"

So I keep going, I don't function well but I keep going because the other option is atrocious. I'm a bit over drowning in my thoughts though, it's time to swim and if pills need to be my flotation device for a while to make sure I don't sink then there's absolutely no shame in that.

Moon.