I guess I’m starting a blog again. I think someone writing a blog entry should sound confident about the fact that they are writing a blog entry… but I’m unsure if I’ll finish this and further unsure if I’ll post it.
I've avoided talking about my journey a fair bit the last year, I’ve wanted to “Do the Work” first and not just talk about doing the work. The last time I did well losing weight (30kgs+ in 2020) I got a bit lost in the feelings of it all and was still feeling from a thousand little emotional problems. Now in the present day, I’m overall a lot happier and my journey seems a lot more settled this time and far less maniac. (Last couple of weeks aside)
So I’m thinking I need to start talking again, partially for me because talking about the emotional stuff should help overall and partially for the just sheer amount of people I’ve been talking to recently that have expressed how much they found it helpful the small amount I have shared already.
In my writing I tend to cover the following topics, Mental Health, Weightloss, bullying, Eating Disorders and more so fair warning if that's too much for you.
So with that aside, let me begin with
“The Elephant in the Room”
Hi I’m Eli Moon. Welcome to my blog.
Lets not shy away from things, I’m fat. It’s not a bad word. Its a fact. Actually I’m morbidly obese. I used to hate that term because it was thrown around as an insult in primary school. I mean it’s not like “Fat” wasn’t leveled at me plenty, It was. But morbidly obese used to hit me differently.
Morbidly obese felt to me that I’d eaten myself into a whole new category of human, this is how young Eli saw it at least. To me it seemed that I’d crossed over to being this creature, rather than a little lad with a lot of anger and an eating problem. I struggled to understand what was happening to me and my self esteem was far more influenced by the images portrayed by fat people on the TV which sadly even in the 90s was pretty dismal. Fat people tended to be portrayed in media as a caricature, “The bumbling idiot, slob or rich villain” I internalized far more about myself from stereotypes than the many beautiful compliments that were no doubt levelled at me from people who knew and loved me.
I think it’s telling that it wasn’t until my mid twenties that I can’t remember a compliment, For a long they were like sand through my fingers, slipping through without and ability to hang on to them. I think I struggled to want to hold on to them because to me they were lies. How can someone believe a compliment when they have no idea of their own self worth, instead they hear them and instantly want to cast them aside because it challenges their world view. The world told me for a long time I was “less” and for a long time I believed it.
A catalyst for change always has to occur. There came a point where I had to either give up completely on me as a person or learn to like myself a little bit, just a tiny fraction or else it would have been the end of me. I think it was at my worst point that the will to live kicked in and a tiny bit of reluctant sunlight began to shine on me. I think some people would like to see themselves as a glorious tree or perhaps a flower, I myself am a weed. I am hard to eradicate, even for myself.
I suddenly noticed people saying these really nice things, things that conflicted still with my worldview but I noticed also I wasn’t dismissing them out of hand. Instead I’d let a little bit of it in and slowly my view of myself began to change… maybe I was worth fighting for.
I think so much this image of ourselves shapes the ability to change. I needed to like myself more for it to happen but in order to like myself I needed to start hearing a completely different message than what I was letting in.
Gosh this isn’t a massively optimistic first entry is it? I’m sorry about that. I can assure you Its going to be honest, which is likely more helpful than optimistic. I'm still learning to like myself and reprogram my brain into something that accepts that I am a beautiful, witty and kind individual, but for now I am a weed in the garden, ineradicable and thriving.
No comments:
Post a Comment