Elephant Paths

 There is this thing in society called elephant paths which are defined as "informal trails created by people's everyday movements in public spaces. These paths are often the most direct, efficient, and natural route to a destination, and can differ from paved walkways." 

When I'm out walking I seem to pass them things frequently, they pop up everywhere and its this really interesting thing about human nature, we will pursue what we want quite often in the easiest most direct way. You might be thinking... hey Eli... why are you spending this much time thinking about elephant paths? Well... first I would like to remind you that you have no obligation to read this, but given the sunk cost fallacy you'll probably want to know what the heck my point is.  

I seem to relate strongly as an addict to the idea of the simple most direct path to get what I want has always been the one I have previously taken. Anything to feed the addiction was done with haste and all other things were irrelevant. The whole idea of the elephant paths is that they are quite often cutting corners and boy do I feel that. 

People that have known me my whole life describe me as lazy, I've never felt that was a very accurate way to describe me. I'm incredibly driven, scarily so when its a path that I want to forge. The underhanded ingenuity of Eli the food addict as a small child was a huge demonstration of that drive.  I remember that my mother offered me my bus money as a an incentive to bike to school hoping that it would help with my weightloss... I'd cycle seven kilometres to school with quite often five budget 1.5L cola bottles in my bag that I'd spent my bus money on and take the effort to hide the bottles when I'd finished with them. My shoulders would ache from the weight of the drinks by the time I got home and yet I did it every day. 

Still to this day I am driven by this maniac desire to chase what I want to chase. Food being removed from the equation is all well and good but then this gaping hole in me that I used to shove a cheeseburger (or four) into is still remaining. I'm trying however to lead my inner elephant rather than let it forge it's own path and I have somehow managed to exert self control that I didn't know that I had. I think as I grow into myself emotionally while shrinking physically this drive I have is going to be potentially my biggest hurdle and my greatest asset, I just have to learn to want things that are good for me and channel my relentlessness into pursuing these.

Unearthing Eli

I think its important to understand why I eat. Understanding where this came from is the only way to deconstruct it permanently. The addiction is still there after fourteen months. The need to eat hasn't disappeared completely though I have managed to point the need to consume towards much better foods such as apples instead of a loaf of bread. 

I'm not hungry, I'm lucky enough that I've rarely known true hunger. I used to eat in times of depression or restlessness. It's still these periods that are the most risky for me to this current day. I've managed to get a good grip on my depression for the most part and there are only a few things that throw me into a slump now. Restlessness is a new beast, I've only recently started identifying this as a trigger for my eating and I am quickly realizing it might be the main one. 

I'm coming to terms with the changes in my body fairly easily. My body is improving and able to do more and more as I lose the weight and gain the confidence. An interesting and certainly unforeseen part of all of this for me has been the changes to my brain. Since obtaining my sleep machine I have been able to sleep and breathe for the first time in my adult life at a fairly normal rate. This has meant my brain is now functioning sooooo much quicker. 

I've been unable to sit still, unable to focus on things unless I am painting at the same time. (Come on, you must have wondered about the figurines at this point!) I'm finding that my life while still filling up with more and more as my energy levels increase feels under stimulating and I spiral when I have nothing to do or no progress can be made on whatever I am currently working at whether that's physical, creative or otherwise. Given this and other factors I'm looking into an ADHD diagnosis as that might help explain some of my manic traits/restless eating. 

For now I am coping, I'm continuing to do the work, responsibly decrease the food and do my best, It's all I can do at this point! 

 

“The Elephant in the Room”

I guess I’m starting a blog again. I think someone writing a blog entry should sound confident about the fact that they are writing a blog entry… but I’m unsure if I’ll finish this and further unsure if I’ll post it. 

I've avoided talking about my journey a fair bit the last year, I’ve wanted to “Do the Work” first and not just talk about doing the work. The last time I did well losing weight (30kgs+ in 2020) I got a bit lost in the feelings of it all and was still feeling from a thousand little emotional problems. Now in the present day, I’m overall a lot happier and my journey seems a lot more settled this time and far less maniac. (Last couple of weeks aside) 

So I’m thinking I need to start talking again, partially for me because talking about the emotional stuff should help overall and partially for the just sheer amount of people I’ve been talking to recently that have expressed how much they found it helpful the small amount I have shared already. 

In my writing I tend to cover the following topics, Mental Health, Weightloss, bullying, Eating Disorders and more so fair warning if that's too much for you. 

So with that aside, let me begin with 

“The Elephant in the Room”

Hi I’m Eli Moon. Welcome to my blog. 

Lets not shy away from things, I’m fat. It’s not a bad word. Its a fact. Actually I’m morbidly obese. I used to hate that term because it was thrown around as an insult in primary school. I mean it’s not like “Fat” wasn’t leveled at me plenty, It was. But morbidly obese used to hit me differently. 

Morbidly obese felt to me that I’d eaten myself into a whole new category of human, this is how young Eli saw it at least. To me it seemed that I’d crossed over to being this creature, rather than a little lad with a lot of anger and an eating problem. I struggled to understand what was happening to me and my self esteem was far more influenced by the images portrayed by fat people on the TV which sadly even in the 90s was pretty dismal. Fat people tended to be portrayed in media as a caricature, “The bumbling idiot, slob or rich villain” I internalized far more about myself from stereotypes than the many beautiful compliments that were no doubt levelled at me from people who knew and loved me. 

I think it’s telling that it wasn’t until my mid twenties that I can’t remember a compliment, For a long they were like sand through my fingers, slipping through without and ability to hang on to them. I think I struggled to want to hold on to them because to me they were lies. How can someone believe a compliment when they have no idea of their own self worth, instead they hear them and instantly want to cast them aside because it challenges their world view. The world told me for a long time I was “less” and for a long time I believed it. 

A catalyst for change always has to occur. There came a point where I had to either give up completely on me as a person or learn to like myself a little bit, just a tiny fraction or else it would have been the end of me. I think it was at my worst point that the will to live kicked in and a tiny bit of reluctant sunlight began to shine on me. I think some people would like to see themselves as a glorious tree or perhaps a flower, I myself am a weed. I am hard to eradicate, even for myself. 

I suddenly noticed people saying these really nice things, things that conflicted still with my worldview but I noticed also I wasn’t dismissing them out of hand. Instead I’d let a little bit of it in and slowly my view of myself began to change… maybe I was worth fighting for.

I think so much this image of ourselves shapes the ability to change. I needed to like myself more for it to happen but in order to like myself I needed to start hearing a completely different message than what I was letting in.

Gosh this isn’t a massively optimistic first entry is it? I’m sorry about that. I can assure you Its going to be honest, which is likely more helpful than optimistic. I'm still learning to like myself and reprogram my brain into something that accepts that I am a beautiful, witty and kind individual, but for now I am a weed in the garden, ineradicable and thriving.

Eli Moon