Part 34: I get by with a little help from my friends.

I can't do this alone, my experience so far and my understanding of how my simple little mind has taught me that. I know that I am weak sometimes and need to be held accountable for my actions or I will destroy myself slowly through a lack of caring. I am at my very core a flawed apathetic individual... and that is something I don't care to admit to all the people in my life but so be it. Without my family and select group of friends I don't stand much of a chance of achieving anything.

So armed with this knowledge and beginning to redouble my efforts instead of my weight I know now what I need to rebuild in order to get back on track and that is my support network. I had a good one before of gym buddies, dietitians, personal trainers and councilors as well as all of the people who read this, unfortunately I let myself slip for silly reasons so I now must reassemble the team.

The great part of temporarily failing myself is I now know what worked for me and what didn't, what was vital to my efforts and what was redundant. So I am hoping armed with this knowledge I can assemble a new support network that works.

Even if I manage to do this, the main drive has to come from me, no one else can cure me of all of my problems but I am hoping for a little readjustment when I veer of track... and I will. Honestly I'm bad at all of this, like really bad. I think If I win then it is going to make the victory sweeter and if I lose? Well lets just try to avoid that outcome shall we.

I know what needs to happen now, I have great people to help me and the prospect of swimming this Summer most days and hurting myself at the gym is seeming less and less like a chore and more fun. I still don't think I'm going to replace my beached bod with a beach bod anytime soon but I'm ok with that, I really want to be able to do more, not look pretty (Also I am pretty, my Mum told me!).

But...

There is one more thing I kind of want, it is going to seem silly and weird... but I kind of want an adversary. I want someone close to me to turn around and be like "screw you Eli you can't do it and also you have an inferior sense of humor" or something along those lines, I want someone to prove wrong... someone to keep me walking along not because you believe in me but because I never want you to be right.

I guess we are complex individuals because to me that makes a twisted sort of sense!

Eli Moon

Part 33: So here we are

Would it shock you to say that I am not succeeding at the moment,? I have in true Eli style allowed the cosmic indifference of the world to beat me into submission and worse than that... I have let the disappointments in life make me flee from the very thing I wanted, that absolute normality I seek.

It was in my rage of not feeling normal... of feeling passed up for things because of some very crappy short comings that I gave into the pain and blanked out. The more I missed out on or couldn't do struck a bitter chord with me. Time passed and I did nothing, time passed and I just sat there and stewed and became more and more bitter until in my shame I recognized the person that I was becoming again. In my self pity I did begin to eat away at my progress, all because of these accursed feelings.

It is in this point that I would normally impart wisdom gained from this experience but all I can really say is that an addiction like this one runs deep, it sunk it's teeth in when I was young and we have been biting each other ever since.

I am so glad I created this blog, these words are mine that I have chucked out into the world to remind me that even if I fail this time I have succeeded before and can succeed again. I can feel the energy beginning to surge again, the restless howl building as I begin to remember that feeling... you know that feeling you get when suddenly the weight is lifted from your shoulders/stomach/throat... I have that powerful feeling again.

I also am possessed of the knowledge that I am a much more complicated individual than just a weight number, I am made up of feelings and thought paths, I am made of old injuries and brutal scars and I must overcome all to best anything. I feel like I entered this bout last time with all motivation but no insight and yet now I am properly armed to make war upon myself.

Unfortunately my opponent knows the battlefield and has waged war here for sometime, I'm only hoping that this time we come into conflict I can show him something new.

Eli Moon

Part 32: Still alive?

Why hello there, yes you! You thought I had forgotten about you and gone off with some other blog huh? (I tried, it didn't last... creative differences.) So the whole weight loss thing. Not doing great, I could start with excuses but lets just get through that as soon as possible... in fact!!! Bullet points.

• Got a new job! Excited! Woohoo
• limited my amount of workout times because of said job.
• Started to feel weird... shaky weird...
• Shaky weird was anxiety doctors say! Bah I'm not anxious.
• Can't travel, can't work on steaming hot work floor (Steam not actually included).
• Horrible emotional thing happens!
• Left job, feels like idiot.
• feels like idiot some more.
• damn time to sort life out here! 

Excellent, wicked, everyone caught up?

The hardest thing is admitting to yourself you are failing at something that you set out to do right? Wrong! Its admitting to the people that believe that you have the power to change things in your life that you have failed at your first real attempt at failing. I haven't been wanting to write this blog until I was 100% back on track and being good Eli, but the blog helps me be good Eli and I want everyone to know that its ok to stuff up. The little stuff ups like eating that chocolate bar or that persons pet (No seriously don't eat the pets... they taste gross) or the really big stuff ups like forgetting that those legs of yours are for walking and not resting milkshakes on! (Also a bad idea).

Anyway. Today I did something hard. I asked some people for help. Some big help. Those of you that know me well would know I don't actually like to ask for anything (except food) so this was a big deal for me. I want to do this, I want to be the person I know I should be, dangerously good looking with a brandy in one hand and the world in the other... kind of like James Bond. Yes... I am going to be "Moon... Eli Moon". Anyway! Sorry that other guy gets sidetracked. I hope I didn't let anyone down that was supporting me, I do hope however that anyone that jumped on the journey with me has done amazing or is willing to work with me to rectify our "holiday".

Lots of love!

Eli Moon.