Part 10:Romance in a plus sized world.

Being big is hard, but its not just hard on me. My family have had to sit by and watch me hurt myself everyday and if they opened their mouths to "nag" at me I would have scowled and told them where to go or pretended to listen and just nod my head. I couldn't change until I was ready to do it and I'm not sure anyone could convince me otherwise. People have tried, my Mother, my Granddad who struggled himself, and many more of my family, but it was also hard on my romantic relationships.

Dating me was once accepting responsibility for an addict as well as having a boyfriend. It has been described as heart breaking to stand by and watch me hurt myself and be powerless to stop me. It was also horrible for me to know everyday day that I was letting someone down. the fact that I was embarrassed to go out because nothing fit right was depriving my partner of the same, the fact that I'd need to make some lame excuse why I couldn't do something because I couldn't manage to walk there, the knowledge that they would be better off with someone else and knowing that they are going to realize that. Who wants to live like that... I have heard of shellfish with more going for them.

It was painful knowing that whoever I was with had looked past my disabilities and decided to stay anyway, that they had decided to short change themselves because of how much they liked me. They must have realized at first that dating me meant no bike rides or bush walks, no mountain climbing or bungee jumping, they must of realized that... but then I got worse as I always did and that meant no dancing, no strolls and frequent bouts of ill health and no one signed up for that. 

Worse that all of that was never feeling secure in my relationships because of how I felt about myself, never understanding why someone would want to be with you leaves you pretty sensitive and meek. I got insecure about other people around my relationships because if there is someone else interested in my partner... why should she pick me. I feared and wanted them to leave, feared for me and wanted for them. At the end of the day i wanted them to be happy but I clung out of fear of being alone. There is nothing sexier than a clingy guy... 

So many people have tried to help me and I really hated myself for hurting people so close to me, but I shrugged it off because to let them in, to let in everything when I wasn't ready for it was dangerous. I couldn't listen to them until I was ready to change, I wouldn't even acknowledge that I had a problem and like the ostrich with its end in the sand I continued.

Part 9:Have you met my new friend Gym?

I don't care how anti violence anyone is... everyone should own an punching bag. I have been going to the gym lately and working on my weight, but last time was special. I destroyed a punching bag (And my finger and wrist). I punched the crap out of it in a feverish frustration with so many things, I really am surprised its still swinging. When I had finished punching this innocent punching bag I felt good. It really helps to work out some feelings.

I have decided to view the gym as an adversary, I walk in and mentally say "fuck you, bet you didn't think I'd be back". fortunately my level of insanity hasn't progressed to the point where the gym says anything back... yet. It feels good to walk in there and just know in half an hour or so I'm going to be in terrible pain, which is not something I can say I have experienced before.

When did water start tasting good? Thats weird, I swear someone has stolen my taste buds. its been at least two weeks since I have even wanted a custard square... all these changes its like puberty all over again except less embarrassing... wait nope, about the same level of embarrassment. But seriously the few times I have had junk food it hasn't lived up to my memories of it. So doing I'm doing ok on that front (even though the bartender last night told me about a liquor you can add to a hot chocolate that makes it taste like a bounty bar).

Also lately I'm having something of an adversarial relationship with scales... I suspect some are tricking me, but I have measured myself on two reliable ones and between the two of them I can work out I'm somewhere between 183-185kgs which is 16-14kgs lighter than my heaviest... holy fucking wow. I'm not getting to excited as I know at the start you can lose heaps and then its slow going, So I am realistic about the frustrating time that will follow this easy burst of weight loss. All the same I'm losing chins and happy for it.

You know I have a pain in my hand from the punching bag, a weariness in my knees from the exercise bike and cuts on my feat from where they have split from walking, but you know what I feel good... So I'm going to go say fuck you to my new friend Gym.

Eli Nelson
183-185kgs or something.

Part 8:Filed away all prettylike

For most of my life I have lived filed away as a page, filed away in a folder, hidden in a filing cabinet in a dingy room somewhere underground. I aged in this filing cabinet but I never grew up, I observed but never experienced. In my filing cabinet I inhaled the many adventures belonging to the surroundings of my dingy room and pretended to be content. Laughing it off as the inability to do anything suffocated me and those around me, reducing my life to mere steps from where I lived.

Until life sent me a cyclone, it ripped apart the roof of the room where I'd hidden the filing cabinet and with a primal fury that only a manifestation of rock fucking bottom could achieve, it picked up that filing cabinet and dashed it to pieces, until all that remained were the fluttering pages in the wind. When they came to rest the piece of paper titled Eli Nelson contained one little word that breathed a new life into me, it was HOPE.

The knowledge that i had a chance to succeed was all it took to revolt against my lifestyle and while I'm not winning every battle, I'm going to win the bloody war. Its hard everyday, but I feel so much better for it when I when I succeed. For as long as I can remember I have been stuck in this inescapable nightmare without sight of a way out the resembled anything pretty. Although I have so far to go, the odds seem in my favor. I have supportive family and friends, the right medical people in place and the ability to exercise and eat well. That said while I didn't have any chocolate I'm very glad Easter is well and truly over!

I'm enjoying getting out and doing more, even just feeling better about going for a wander, I'm sure things will continue improving and I'm excited. I still find it weird my life had to fall to pieces before I could complete the puzzle, oh well I got to rock bottom got a Tshirt and now I'm going to work hard until that Tshirt fits!

Eli Nelson

Part 7:I'm in your pantry, eating your biscuits.

Some people wonder how I ballooned up to the size of a small planet while a child, often people assume it was due to some vile negligence on behalf on my parents, but that offends me... Both my parents tried really hard to help and guide me into making sensible choices. The problem is I have always possessed a cunning mind, especially when it came to junk food. It was my fix, I needed it... and I'll tell you how i managed it.

I gave myself rules, some made sense... others not so much. The principle rule was don't get caught, but there was also the rule never to open something, because I'd be blamed for eating it all and this way who knew how much someone else had eaten before me. I also stayed away from the chocolate that the girls would like the most and ate bread or crackers instead hoping it wouldn't be missed. 

My Mum tried to motivate me into exercising by letting me keep my bus money if I rode my bike to school, but to my detriment on the way home I'd stop off at the dairy and grab a big bottle of fizzy and what ever lollies my bus money would get me. Sneaky sneaky. How did I dispose of all the bottles? well I hid them under my bed and dropped them in a bin when I biked to school.

Surely that means I ate lots at school right? well actually I ate very little. When I did have food on me i'd go somewhere alone to munch it, because every bite I took I felt vulnerable to mockery or pity. It got to a point where friends of mine worried that they had never seen me eat, which got me more attention than had I eaten around them in the first place.

I look forward to reaching a point where eating for me doesn't bring on anxiety about how i'm perceived by others, but I know I need to understand why I feel so compelled to eat before I can start fixing it and that's a conversation with myself I have avoided for twenty years...

Eli Nelson

Part 6: You're gonna go far kid

I'm actually pursuing my own happiness, I said fuck you to that torrent of voices screaming "its too hard" and "you'll fail". I said fuck you and bit into an apple, I'm going to try and if the best I can do is try and fail then I'd be happy. But to not try? To waste more of my life pursuing my own destruction with a dazed look in my eyes and some ice cream around my mouth, Screw that. I've spent to long in a sugar coma and It's time to wake up. 

I have begun to notice changes, small to begin with but steadily growing, I'm able to walk for an extended period of time without needing a break, I able to fit more clothing than I was a month ago, I finally can fit into my suit (I cried when I found out it fits I was that happy) and I feel better about myself.

I'm finding walking actually fun, which is a huge mindset change. If you had told me three months ago that any exercise would be fun I would have laughed at you over the xbox controller I was holding. Now however I'm actually quite pumped to do active things, I went out and danced on Saturday night (Awkward as that was!). I'm also really excited to do my gym orientation so I can start going to the gym! its weird to think not so long ago I wasn't able to walk very far at all without being tired and short of breath. 

Another change I have been really surprised with is the reaction I have to the idea of junk food. Most of the time if you offered me junk food now i'd be disgusted, like I was actually being offered poison. I'm beginning to hate the idea of sugar or fat, which means staying away from most obvious temptations is simple. Its only the rare craving that I need to watch out for now (Damn you custard squares, Damn you!!!).

Also the way I view myself is changing, I'm more positive about my body image and am beginning to feel more confident in myself, I hold my head higher and feel better for it. I think actually writing down my experiences has helped heaps, as before I had never said half of the things to anyone, that I'm telling everyone now. Its working wonders.

I feel amazing.

Eli Nelson

Part 5: The end the rainbow

Lets talk goals. The payoff. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. That painful, elusive rainbow. Its the end of the rainbow that drives us, even when it remains unseen. The payoff is there and all you need to do is change your entire mindset and the way you live your life... shit that sounds hard... why would I do that? because I think it will be worth it.

Becoming fit won't grant me magic happiness that will endure through all things, but Zeus dammit it would help so much. I'll tell you whats in store for me when I'm done to a normal size. Aeroplane travel, Seat belts that fit, kayaking, skate boarding, regular clothes, any chair I desire, all the girls (Shush), sleeping through an entire night, longer life expectancy, swimming topless, more confidence, less random street abuse, different job opportunities... damn... That is a long list. 

There is another goal that I dear not even want, that I don't consider because it is so terrifying that I can't even fabricate the reality in my mind in which it could exist. One day I think I want to have kids, but I could never be obese and have children, I could never be to over weight to take them to the park, bike rides, swimming or anything they wanted to do. I would never put my children what I went through. My kids won't miss out. So unless I can get down to a weight in which I'm fit enough to do all of those things, the option of children doesn't even exist for me.

I'm doing alot to work on my goals, yesterday I went see a dietitian and I'm signing up for a gym today. I have been walking heaps and am surprised how easy that is becoming. Most importantly my younger sister has a wild child who is three years old, I call him wild because that boy has energy. I'm normally not the one to keep him entertained because he exhausts me, but a couple of days ago I ran around with him, kicked a soccer ball and played on the playground.

I have a long way to go before I see the pot of gold, but its just fucking brilliant to know that its there.

Eli Nelson

Part 4:Bullying, Breasts and Bravery

I got you with the title didn't I, the men read breasts and were hooked... stay tuned to be disappointed.

It is far from my intention to go to a dark place with this entry, but unfortunately for many people this is a dark place indeed... School. I'm going to start with KIDS CAN BE CRUEL, I'm sure everyone has had some kind of bullying at school and If they weren't bullied then I pity them a little, because it instills great qualities in the bullied. Understanding kids can be cruel I'd like to say I don't bear any anger towards the people who gave me a hard time at school, but my inner child is hungry to speak (and he's a big lad.)

I started getting bigger at three, and looking back I was a chubby little boy but you wouldn't be placing bets on me for Sumo wrestling any time around then, I was quite cute with the one chin but sadly I was to gain more. By the time I was ten I was the biggest kid at my school (I ate the smaller ones and lived under a bridge... True story) and I had established a bad name with my teachers (not for stealing lunchs! That's a horrible conclusion to jump to. god even the word jump makes me exhausted), I was a bit of a scrapper and I wasn't easily deterred. Now I know what you are thinking, "but Eli you are so lovely and wise and charming! why oh why would you fight?" Shut up and I'll tell you.

I fought kids because they teased me, I fought some of the ones that were stupid enough to fight. I was a big kid and before puberty weight counts for alot when the boy you are fighting looks like a stiff breeze would snap him! Fighting was me trying to get them to stop, I doubt I could have debated with them so I used my fists, It never worked... worse it got me in alot of trouble, I have been stood down, suspended and threatened by a principal with boarding school (My mum told him where to put that idea). Finally I did some anger management... and I pretended that worked. I stopped fighting back, I took the insults and let it build up, hoping one day to figure out where to put this anger. I'm still looking.

When I was about fourteen, there was a boy at my school who was sixteen and built like a rugby player, He used to walk past and grab my chest, because weight unfortunately doesn't understand that's the worst place it could go for a man. It wasn't anything weird, he just wanted to torment me, he'd call me names... some of the worst I have ever had. He would make me miserable. This carried on till the point where I could no longer stand the humiliation, I wasn't angry I'd just had enough that I reached a point that I broke. Now when I was an angry little kid I had two modes of breakdown, I'd either get sad or I'd get angry, this time was different. With the cold determination of a victim that was finished with their ordeal I stood up to him in a short but eventful fistfight, I got that bastard on the ground, he made my nose click for a month whenever I touched it. That was it. I certainly didn't win that fight, but I didn't lose. He never teased me again.

I ran into the guy a couple of years ago he was very happy to see me, he told me what he'd been up to and talked to me like I was an old friend, I think I gained his respect by standing up for myself. Bizarre... I certainly don't advocate fighting to solve problems but it seemed to solve this one.

School is a hard place for many people and lots will have had worse experiences than me, I wish I could say that I enjoyed school, I felt uncomfortable in uniforms limited by size, I was bullied, I got into fights, I missed out on alot of the physical activities and clubs... but you know what? a rough stone in a raging river becomes smooth.

Eli Nelson
193 Kgs

Part 3:Healthy?

Healthy? If I had a Kg for every time someone told me to eat healthy i'd weigh twice as much as I do. Healthy? Whats healthy? apples right? Apples are great (mystical doctor repelling and all), But they have sugar in them, natural sugar for sure but all the same sugar. I get it you are thinking ok that is one thing, big deal. But carrots have carbs! shit carbs! those terrible things. Well I found out that the only energy our brain can use is from carbohydrates. We are also told that fasting is bad for the body, yet several diets recommend it. 

I recently met someone who referred to carbs as not allowed for them because of their diet but I was allowed them, because I hadn't decided on that particular diet... surely carbs are either good or bad or ok, labeling them won't change their properties. By this point you are bored right? my bad I'll cut to my point. Healthy is a point of view. There is no ONE diet, theres millions. Which one is right for me? 

it's a slightly less appealing choice than which ice cream flavor to buy at the supermarket, so too often I said fuck that picked up my cookies and cream and went to pay at the counter. Problem was I paid with more than cash, every time I picked up my ice cream I travelled further and further away from being able to do anything I wanted to do. You know the saddest part, I began to convince myself that I didn't want to do any of the things I couldn't do anyway. I allowed myself to think that I was ok with not being able to fit in a kayak, sit in that flimsy looking chair, or walk a normal distance to go shopping. Well something had to stop. To fix this pattern I had to stop buying ice cream, I have stopped buying it but I'm still paying for, I had to figure out my version of healthy... This is in progress. My mindset is changing, I'm beginning to like my coffee black, I brought fruit and veges this week and none of the crap that normally seduces its way into my trolley. I am proud of myself for having the strength to resist, not all the time mind you, CUSTARD SQUARES haunt me daily!!! But mostly I'm good and I feel better for it. Thanks for your support,

Eli Nelson
193ish Kgs .

Part 2:Dealing with being different and other ramblings.

Dealing with being different and other ramblings.

If any of my (Many) readers are overweight or even just feel like they are physically different, going out can be quite a nerve racking experience. Its not that you realistically expect confrontation, that someone will yell out "Hey ugly!" because for the most part they don't, all the same I have a very real fear of going out in public sometimes and I'll tell you why.

When I have to journey out of my comfort soon it is likely to obtain more food (He hunts!) or see family (to my relief food is often included in this social transaction), I occasionally become something of a spectacle to the general public. For the most part, its the glances, people see a man my height and weight and think... shit... What do they feed him? Mostly these people are alright, I'm different and its a little surprising at first, I can get that. I even understand why little kids point at me and whisper to their parents (Likely something along the lines of "GODZILLA"), I understand but it hurts.

What is really horrible is the grown ups, people who have lived far to long to be so disgustingly rude and you know what guys? its mostly you. I don't think girls have ever yelled insults at me while driving past me, but guys have, multiple times. Fuck that. If I did that to a person with bulimia or someone who had a physical disability you'd want me shot (I'd even give you the bullets), because that person is unwell and deserves at the very least the basic human respect we should extend to all people. People deserve if not to be embraced for their differences at least to be left alone.

I'd like to give a special mention to the lovely guy I met in Petone while waiting for a bus, apparently that's all I need to do to attract attention as a fat person. We were both at the bus stop to go to lower hutt (I was sitting, as my legs get sore easily) when he decided to ask when I was going to consult Jenny Craig in his gruff manner. To my eternal shame I sat there I didn't say anything as inside I raged. I raged at myself, not at him, what he said wasn't even very clever, no I raged at myself because I took this punishment and was going to do nothing. What happened next was due to the power of shame.

I stood up. Fists clenched, admittedly weak heart pounding. I turned to this for lack of better words "oxygen waster" and said to him as my voice wavered in anger and misery "WHo THe fUck dO yOu ThinK yOU arE, ThAT YOu Who KnOws NothinG Of Me MAy JudGe Me, YoU Don't KnoW Me. How Dear you attack me when I'm JUST SITTING HERE!" I was a titan for that moment as I stood resilient against a guy who could have easily taken me in a fight I was so keen to instigate. What happened next I can only attribute to the power of shame.

He apologized. Wordlessly I turned away, I was crying. A good friend of mine from across the road had seen what had happened and by this time had reached where I was. She gestured me away from the bus stop and led me to a place anyway from Jenny Craig Man. I broke down. In the middle of my home town I cried. I cried because I nearly took the insult and didn't say anything, I cried because I was so used to the idea of being judged that standing up for myself only occurred out of shame, But you know mostly I cried because this guy destroyed a huge chunk of my happiness and didn't do it out of any conviction (I very much doubt he hated fat people) he did it just because it wasn't a big deal to him. I'd like to say that he didn't get to me, that I carried on with my day as normal, but it did get to me, I cancelled plans with my kickass sister (who would have very likely broken his neck in twelve places had she been there) and her charming son. Zeus I love my family, they disregarded my desire to be alone and showed up anyway. That is support.

This was a little while ago, I now look back and feel nothing but motivated, not to be like that guy who was skinny and strong and likely had very few people be mean to him, I want to be fit and strong and retain the morals and sensitivity that I have developed as a overweight person. So thank you Jenny Craig Guy, I'm going to be better than you.

Alright off for a walk now ;)

Eli Nelson
194ish Kgs

Part 1: The Phantom Lettuce

Dear Diary...

Shit I mean blog... Ok how do you even start one of these things...

My name is Eli, I went shopping yesterday, Clothes shopping in fact. In the middle of Christchurch there is a warehouse style building with mountains of clothes... second hand clothes in fact. Three dollars an item! Bet you are thinking "wowwawewa Eli you must be excited" but I'm not. Because I can't fit a damn thing. To be fair the reason I can't fit anything short of a tent is partly my fault. Partly. I'm going to mention a couple of other things here just quickly. Advertising aimed at children, Playgrounds at the restaurants with the worse foods and dear god... veges? Taste disgusting. I could go on but lets not. I'm OBESE clocking in at 199 kgs at my worse, OBESE (And whichever skinny fucker came up with that word... I will eat you.) and that's not a word I ever like using, it makes me weep inside that the term 'fat" no longer applies to me. Give me back fat... I can do that.

Well to my eternal discontent I look like a fat homeless santa. I fit horrible looking clothes designed by people who most likely hate fat people. I wish to look good. That guy in the tidy three piece suit that he brought at a regular store chatting up the pretty girl at the bar, I wish that was me. Well my Granny (The Witch) affectionately told me "You don't get what you wish for, You get what you want". Basically stop your dreaming Eli and get your shit together...

Well... I am getting my shit together, maybe with the speed of a special Olympic hurdler but its happening. I have reduced my intake of that precious stuff called food to something less resembling a small family and more akin to the amount a person should eat. I am getting more mobile so getting out of the house is more and more of an option. I am finally making some headway towards becoming a person again, because beforehand the life I was living wasn't worth a second of the life I will be able to live once my loved ones can fit their arms around me.

This is the introduction to my experiences as an attractive beautiful person hiding in a fat suit I have never been able to take off. By the end of this blog I'm going to be fit and fucking amazing, or your money back.

Eli Nelson
194ish Kgs