Part 6: The Harrowing Consequences of Abnormality

Many times in my life I have had to deal with the choices I did and didn't take. Throughout my life it has been normally a weighing act of morality common sense and willpower. I would prefer to be dishonest here but that isn't really the point of all this now is it. I am deeply ashamed to admit the things that I have been held back by my weight, that I have let the crushing addiction infect every sector of my life and dull my resolution to accomplish something.

For so long I would refuse to visit people, the safety of my bubble that I had created allowed a perfect security so long as I didn't stray outside a carefully designed comfort zone. I couldn't easily admit to people that the reason I didn't want to do something was because of my weight so I made the flimsiest excuse and after a while people stopped asking. I set up an unhealthy dynamic with the real world and sought to control only a small slice of it. Unfortunately that was the only thing I was having a small slice of at the time!

I guess however of all the things I am most ashamed about is my how when the world conspired to make me furious, when it sought to make me a giant ball of boundless rage and sent me on a collision course directed at someone in particular... I relented. It's one thing to step down from a fight, in my mind it is the most admirable thing as despite my interest in warfare I am at my core a pacifist. My issue is from the words that echoed around my head, "Eli in the state you are in you can't even take vengeance properly". Not standing up for myself stemmed from my self esteem, my poor health rather than a calmly considered moral decision. 

This more than the weight itself weighs on me. How many decisions I have had made for me rather than been able to make myself, how many years I have wasted having my body dictate how to feel about something. I am now of the opinion that more than anything I need to lose the weight, so my decisions are mine and mine alone. 

This last week wasn't the best week for weight loss, I still made progress but not as much as normal so I am attempting to redouble my efforts and use any source I can to fuel my progress. I read somewhere that more cultures praise the sunrise rather than the sunset, that has always made a lot of sense to me. I'm going to be the most beautiful damn moonrise you ever saw.  

Eli Moon

Part 5: Tonight's the kinda night.

Tonight I am exhausted. I'm bleeding from sword hilts and can feel the oncoming bruises that will appear tomorrow morning. Tonight I have feet that feel like lead and a strong desire to never have to go outside ever again. Tonight I feel awesome.

There is nothing quite like pushing yourself and figuring you can do something that you couldn't a week before. Today I noticed how much easier I could move and my feet actually obeyed my commands. Yesterday after 40 minutes at the gym I realized that would have killed me a month before now barely affected me.

I think it's time to kick it up a notch and intensify things. I'm not super concerned about the numbers although I lost another kg last week which takes it to 8 all up, I'm told that half of a kg to one kg is a good sustainable number. What I am really impressed with is the fact that I am able to fit into some of my nicer clothes. I think this is an important step to feeling good again.

Last week I went to a party, This sort of thing doesn't normally appeal to me. Parties that I do not host normally have me feeling like some kind of awkward ugly duckling. I however showed up and made people laugh, I was my best possible self. I was rude, humorous and I found myself falling into a persona I haven't adopted in a very long time... confident Eli.

It's nice to feel like I have the ability to go places and socialize with people in their natural (and frightening!) habitats. Although people keep mentioning to me as I lose weight that they think they have found it, I don't think they are very impressed when I then mention I aim to lose fifty kgs in a year.

I think I want to find another active hobby, with it getting colder I know I am going to need to replace swimming with in a couple of months. I am actually leaning towards dancing but haven't yet located a style/studio that works for me. I'm not looking forward to being a novice in a hobby again but it is time to become super graceful ninja Eli.

Eli Moon