Part 6: The Harrowing Consequences of Abnormality

Many times in my life I have had to deal with the choices I did and didn't take. Throughout my life it has been normally a weighing act of morality common sense and willpower. I would prefer to be dishonest here but that isn't really the point of all this now is it. I am deeply ashamed to admit the things that I have been held back by my weight, that I have let the crushing addiction infect every sector of my life and dull my resolution to accomplish something.

For so long I would refuse to visit people, the safety of my bubble that I had created allowed a perfect security so long as I didn't stray outside a carefully designed comfort zone. I couldn't easily admit to people that the reason I didn't want to do something was because of my weight so I made the flimsiest excuse and after a while people stopped asking. I set up an unhealthy dynamic with the real world and sought to control only a small slice of it. Unfortunately that was the only thing I was having a small slice of at the time!

I guess however of all the things I am most ashamed about is my how when the world conspired to make me furious, when it sought to make me a giant ball of boundless rage and sent me on a collision course directed at someone in particular... I relented. It's one thing to step down from a fight, in my mind it is the most admirable thing as despite my interest in warfare I am at my core a pacifist. My issue is from the words that echoed around my head, "Eli in the state you are in you can't even take vengeance properly". Not standing up for myself stemmed from my self esteem, my poor health rather than a calmly considered moral decision. 

This more than the weight itself weighs on me. How many decisions I have had made for me rather than been able to make myself, how many years I have wasted having my body dictate how to feel about something. I am now of the opinion that more than anything I need to lose the weight, so my decisions are mine and mine alone. 

This last week wasn't the best week for weight loss, I still made progress but not as much as normal so I am attempting to redouble my efforts and use any source I can to fuel my progress. I read somewhere that more cultures praise the sunrise rather than the sunset, that has always made a lot of sense to me. I'm going to be the most beautiful damn moonrise you ever saw.  

Eli Moon