Part 21:"The things I should have told you".

I am going to deviate from the normal form and flow of this blog to write something a bit different. This is a letter I didn't plan to write, but last night I realised I needed too. As part of my journey will be dealing with the past and how I feel about it, its important I deal with it. I didn't know if I should publish this as it is highly personal, but if you read this far, then you Alice my dear friend are already down the rabbit hole. Here is the letter to myself as a child titled "The things I should have told you".

Dear little Eli

Right now you are a little boy, you are healthy and beautiful, You look like all your friends. I don't know how to tell you this, but you are going to change. You are not going to be the same as the others, I'm not sure you ever will be. You won't enjoy it. You'll learn about shame and how to hide candy packets. You are going to learn how to lie and be pretty good at it. Biscuits will disappear mysteriously.

Clothes aren't going to fit, you'll struggle to find anything that looks good and then... anything at all. You'll hate shopping for clothes and you'll know no embarrassment worse than leaving a store with nothing. You will try to forget that you don't look like the other kids, some days you will succeed.

People will treat you differently, some will pity you, some will even be disgusted by your existence. Strangers will insult you for no reason. People will judge your merits by a perception based entirely on prejudice.You'll lose friends that ultimately aren't worth your time, as they can't see the old you no more than you can find that old you in the mirror. Adults will have serious talks with you as they try and convince you to change. Your mum will tell you that you might die before you are twenty one, she is going to say this not to hurt you but to help you... you will make your mum cry.

You'll break the hearts of everyone close to you, and when they try to tell you... You'll get angry at them. You won't tell people you love them because you think they can only see what you see in yourself. You may be the worst thing for some of the best people in your life. For some time you will hate yourself.

You won't understand what's happening and you'll get angry, I wish I could tell you where to direct that anger but at twenty three I still don't know. You are going to use humor to get through the visits to hospital and you will fear medical words you can't now even pronounce, like cellulitis and diabetes. Breathing will not come easy.

Be brave little guy, you'll have people there for you. dear god, if you can take their help do it, as early as possible, don't turn them away like I did. Don't beat yourself up. This was never anyones fault and it does get better! I wish I could change all the things that need changing for you, but I am trying now. I wish I could give you a different path to walk but I can't. If I could I would grab you and shake you and scream at you to change. But you grew up.

Right now you are a little boy, you are healthy and beautiful, You look like all your friends.



Eli Nelson

Part 20: To my childhood bully!

This is a declaration to the bully, whose face I have forgotten, but whose actions I remember. Fat people are often perceived as lazy, unattractive and stupid. Any quick google search on the matter will decide the matter... Ignorant people are out there... and they don't appreciate how pretty we make them look. Come on guys you'll look a right stud standing next to me... just don't open your mouth. The tolerance being abnormal grants someone, through dealing with often bullying and isolation is incredible, it's clear the ignorant need to learn some.

Lazy? Mate... try carrying around an extra hundred kgs on your flesh everyday and see how many star jumps you are motivated to do! When I was at my biggest every step I took was a long jump of yours and those flights of stairs? reaching the top was flight. You don't know. You couldn't know. I have immense self respect for every little walk I do.

Unattractive? Oh buddy, I'm freaking beautiful, I have so much beauty in my little overworked heart. I searched and found what makes me awesome. While you preened in the mirror I dug deeper and looked into my soul, because you told me my beauty wasn't visible. I found my beauty, you found your skin, I think I won there and that victory tastes sweeter than a thousand soft drinks!

Stupid? Wait... what? I spent my time reading book after book in my lunchtime solitude, I lived among dinosaurs, astronauts and knights in armour. I shut my mouth and listened, knowing that you and your damn friends didn't care for a word I had to say. I listened and learnt. I learnt about people and kindness, Monsters and cruelty. I learnt the sad price a pretty face can cost your humanity, at least for a while.

Now you may have grown up, you may regret your actions, but think it didn't matter. You are wrong, my skin proved to be as thick as you but others destroy themselves based on the idea that they aren't good enough. I didn't self destruct. I was lucky, others aren't. I have moved past my pain, but I am not blind to that of others.

My dear bully you can't even imagine being able to wear this weight, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, even you. Somehow more importantly you don't deserve to understand the lessons it has taught me, I know how to value my efforts, I know how to love the real me and I appreciate the wisdom your exclusion granted me.
I took your words and I took your actions, I did not speak. You thought me lazy, you were wrong, You thought me unattractive, you were wrong, You thought me stupid, You were wrong.

Eli Nelson

Part 19: Thinspiration

When I first started writing I didn't think I would be able to help myself, I threw words at the page in a rage in the hopes of coming clean about my feelings, my shame and to fairly illustrate what things have been like. If I had any idea of how my honesty would change my life... I would have started talking so much sooner.

I feel free, I have emptied the closet of skeletons and read my diary aloud for all to hear, If you have made it this far... you know me better than you ever have. You know of bullies, illness and depression. You know about the siren call of the custard square and the joy I have when I finally fit something. I have shared my dreams and fears and have cried more than once writing these down for you. I began with no idea of how anyone would respond but I did it. I wrote this stuff down and threw it out into the world and the response?

Inspiration, on both sides. Others have pushed me and helped me, they have supported and understood. People I don't know have followed my progress and setbacks, People have listened and cared. In a twist I have helped others, I have family, friends and strangers who have started their own journeys after reading this blog, I have other friends who have started their own blogs to share a different aspect of their lives with the world. To those of you trying to lose weight I have two words of encouragement to you, "Race you?".

When I started this I was told I was brave, but I wasn't brave at all. I was broken when I started this and I don't feel that way anymore. I have lost twenty Kgs, I have sore broken feet from the amount of walking recently and yesterday my belt needed tightening which it has never needed before. I am more confident, I have new clothes and I walk differently.

When I was growing up there was a tiny handwritten quote I found around the house on a small piece of card, I took it and pinned it to my wall (resale value be damned!). The quote read, “When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” I have carried that quote with me. 

I dare to be powerful.

Part 18:Patience and other swear words.

My feet ache, there is the pain of the amount of walking I have done, the shard of glass I stepped on this morning and the corporate shoes I can finally fit due to my legs persisting in resisting the invasive illness that ails them. A civilised gentleman would take this pain and wear his victory silently as a small smug smile on his face, but I am no gentleman.

Fortunately I know that I couldn’t long regale you with tales of fancy shoes and injured feet, just a bit of an update. I have found the wagon and climbed on, every now and then I am tested sourly and some days I fail. When I fail it’s easy for one failed meal to become a day of naughty food, my mind tells me that I have broken the rules once today, what the hell! This mind set is a deadly diet destroyer, the bane of all healthy eating. Perseverance! This word will be my anthem, until I finally learn how to spell it without spell checker.  I’ll repeat it in my mind until I hate every syllable. Only then can I breathe victory.

Water has become a snack, my water bottle is now an accomplice to my aspirations. It sickens me to say that for years the only water I ever drunk was contained in my coffee. I feel lots better all hydrated and what not. I have come a long way from smuggling bottles of fizzy drink home and I hope to go a long way still.

I have new clothes and a new suit is on the horizon. Not many people could understand how important this is to me. This is pure happiness. The idea of things I can fit fills me with a joy so liberating you’d believe this fat guy could fly. Armed with the knowledge looking beautiful is around the corner I find myself optimistically looking to the future. I think it’s time to bedazzle my room in motivational posters!

I’d like to thank a couple of people who have helped lots with my recent upswing in positivity, one is my best friend Sophie who has supported me through the last three years, sometimes when I didn’t deserve her support. The other person is my mother Francesca, who has never refused to help me when I can show I’m willing to help myself. With the help these people and others give me, I’m going to be amazing.