Part 21:"The things I should have told you".

I am going to deviate from the normal form and flow of this blog to write something a bit different. This is a letter I didn't plan to write, but last night I realised I needed too. As part of my journey will be dealing with the past and how I feel about it, its important I deal with it. I didn't know if I should publish this as it is highly personal, but if you read this far, then you Alice my dear friend are already down the rabbit hole. Here is the letter to myself as a child titled "The things I should have told you".

Dear little Eli

Right now you are a little boy, you are healthy and beautiful, You look like all your friends. I don't know how to tell you this, but you are going to change. You are not going to be the same as the others, I'm not sure you ever will be. You won't enjoy it. You'll learn about shame and how to hide candy packets. You are going to learn how to lie and be pretty good at it. Biscuits will disappear mysteriously.

Clothes aren't going to fit, you'll struggle to find anything that looks good and then... anything at all. You'll hate shopping for clothes and you'll know no embarrassment worse than leaving a store with nothing. You will try to forget that you don't look like the other kids, some days you will succeed.

People will treat you differently, some will pity you, some will even be disgusted by your existence. Strangers will insult you for no reason. People will judge your merits by a perception based entirely on prejudice.You'll lose friends that ultimately aren't worth your time, as they can't see the old you no more than you can find that old you in the mirror. Adults will have serious talks with you as they try and convince you to change. Your mum will tell you that you might die before you are twenty one, she is going to say this not to hurt you but to help you... you will make your mum cry.

You'll break the hearts of everyone close to you, and when they try to tell you... You'll get angry at them. You won't tell people you love them because you think they can only see what you see in yourself. You may be the worst thing for some of the best people in your life. For some time you will hate yourself.

You won't understand what's happening and you'll get angry, I wish I could tell you where to direct that anger but at twenty three I still don't know. You are going to use humor to get through the visits to hospital and you will fear medical words you can't now even pronounce, like cellulitis and diabetes. Breathing will not come easy.

Be brave little guy, you'll have people there for you. dear god, if you can take their help do it, as early as possible, don't turn them away like I did. Don't beat yourself up. This was never anyones fault and it does get better! I wish I could change all the things that need changing for you, but I am trying now. I wish I could give you a different path to walk but I can't. If I could I would grab you and shake you and scream at you to change. But you grew up.

Right now you are a little boy, you are healthy and beautiful, You look like all your friends.



Eli Nelson