Part 31: Battle Envy

While today began with a lot of optimism it ended up being far less than ideal. Today was my first day back swimming and I was super excited for the opportunity to be able to begin this journey again, while my heart was in it I just wish someone had told my brain.

After the first hour and a half in the pool I emerged to get a drink and thats when the first panic attack hit, now I am used to panic attacks coming on with no rhyme or reason so I wasn't surprised. What did surprise me was the severity of this panic attack. I hyperventilated and found myself unable to utter more than a few syllables. Soaking wet and miserable I got through this panic attack and after  composing myself for a while (and listening to experimental riot grrrl grunge tunes) I returned to the water.

One hour and a half later and then the same thing happened... expect worse. I journeyed out of the pool to get changed and made it to the changing room when I started to see black spots as I hyperventilated. The changing room was empty so I wisely ventured out still in my dripping togs to be somewhere where I could be seen in case I actually passed out.

One of the staff noticed I was having a realllll bad time and mouthed "are you ok?" My answer a vigorous shake of my head. Within moments I was surrounded by helpful staff wanting to know what they could do as I uttered the words "Panic Attack", when they inquired what they should do I spluttered, "Just talk... how is everyone's days going?" They kept me distracted until I recovered and my breathing returned to a normal rate. They told me that I'd gone a similar color to my hair at the worst points. They stayed with me until I recovered and that should have been that but It flared back up again as I got ready to leave.

I don't really know what to do from here... I am so unwilling to sit out life and feel this battle envy I've felt for the last eight weeks. I want to fight, I want to win... but right now I just want to be sacrificed to the nearest angry volcano god. These walls that I keep hitting are getting really hard to break through and I am struggling.

Part 30: Daybreak

As the lockdown ends (hopefully permanently) I'm reenvirgorated to get back into swimming and making progress. Getting the same kind of workout during the lockdown as been pretty tough and I'm so stoked to be getting back into what was working for me.

Lockdown felt like a holding pattern of trying to keep all the weight from just piling back on all at once and man it was pretty close. I gotta say, accidentally starting therapy just as the world is turning to absolute chaos was a fantastic accident. It let me focus on getting some things in order and will be a vital part of getting to where I need to go. 

some other positive things about the lockdown was that I got to focus on controlling my diabetes with fewer distractions, I got to know what worked well for me and what didn't. I figured out what was going to cause me intense pain and what would be manageable. I also found out during this period that my dream of running away and being a rugged mountain man living off the grid is absolutely not my style, I missed people. Just even being around strangers yesterday provided some comfort after eight weeks of very little social interaction. 

I'm going to keep this entry short and just say thanks to the people who helped me through this hard time whether it was by grocery deliveries, human communication or just positive messages of support for the future that lay ahead of the lockdown. I hope everyone else is ok, I cannot imagine the difficulties that many of you would have faced over the lockdown... all I can say is that watching how we weathered the storm together with compassion and understanding was the first time I have felt truly proud to call myself a kiwi. 

Moon