While today began with a lot of optimism it ended up being far less than ideal. Today was my first day back swimming and I was super excited for the opportunity to be able to begin this journey again, while my heart was in it I just wish someone had told my brain.
After the first hour and a half in the pool I emerged to get a drink and thats when the first panic attack hit, now I am used to panic attacks coming on with no rhyme or reason so I wasn't surprised. What did surprise me was the severity of this panic attack. I hyperventilated and found myself unable to utter more than a few syllables. Soaking wet and miserable I got through this panic attack and after composing myself for a while (and listening to experimental riot grrrl grunge tunes) I returned to the water.
One hour and a half later and then the same thing happened... expect worse. I journeyed out of the pool to get changed and made it to the changing room when I started to see black spots as I hyperventilated. The changing room was empty so I wisely ventured out still in my dripping togs to be somewhere where I could be seen in case I actually passed out.
One of the staff noticed I was having a realllll bad time and mouthed "are you ok?" My answer a vigorous shake of my head. Within moments I was surrounded by helpful staff wanting to know what they could do as I uttered the words "Panic Attack", when they inquired what they should do I spluttered, "Just talk... how is everyone's days going?" They kept me distracted until I recovered and my breathing returned to a normal rate. They told me that I'd gone a similar color to my hair at the worst points. They stayed with me until I recovered and that should have been that but It flared back up again as I got ready to leave.
I don't really know what to do from here... I am so unwilling to sit out life and feel this battle envy I've felt for the last eight weeks. I want to fight, I want to win... but right now I just want to be sacrificed to the nearest angry volcano god. These walls that I keep hitting are getting really hard to break through and I am struggling.
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