Part 6: Crushing it, but like in a good way.

Hit a milestone today, just cracked over 50 hours in the pool since I began this journey merely 18 days ago, that averages out to about 2.8 hours a day doing a mixture of swimming, aqua jogging, jumping or underwater weights. There have been a couple of days off when I've had other exercise booked (Still can't convince my sword fighting group to do a naval battle) or work has intervened with that whole gotta pay the rent thing. My repeated complaints to the landlords that fish have no concept of money does not seem to have released me from this human constraint.

I'm feeling pretty grand about this whole siren's call thing I have got going on, the pool is now a place of familiar faces. Plenty of my non-aquatic friends have jumped ship and become swimming buddies... or rivals? It's fantastic, there is a mix of people who say that they are inspired by me sharing my story or people who have joined to keep me motivated. It's actually really cool to see people benefit from the same kind of thing I am doing, people that have constant pain or old injuries have been working away some of that discomfort alongside me. 

One particular heartwarming story occurred Wednesday when I went swimming with a friend and her son, this was rather low energy in comparison for me so I welcomed it after doing three hours of aqua jogging and weights earlier that day. Her son really wanted to try the flying fox but was very nervous until he saw me waiting in the pool to make sure he safe. Seeing me there was enough to give him the confidence to try it and he did amazingly, in fact showing up some of the older kids who hesitated for literal minutes before giving it a go. While I did feel like a bit of a beached whale in the kids pool it was so awesome to be able to keep up with the little dude and his Mum.

This journey so far has had a rather humorous side effect... so my legs have decreased drastically in size, to the point that they feel very light and unbalanced. Walking used to be a slog of placing one tree trunk like leg in front of the other but now I am a stumbling fool trying to relearn how to not sway all over the place. 

I noticed my stamina had improved a couple of days ago, I'm able to stand for much longer periods of time and have better breath control. I also have been working on my swimming form and have had a lot of success actually relearning how to do things properly. I've been eating less too, partially because I am swimming for hours on end and there is no time for food but also I have been more conscious on saying no to myself. I still have a long way to go on this side of things but I am doing way better than I have in years. 

I can feel some new progress every single day, one new thing that is easier or one old task I can do with less pain. Today however I am damn tired, I could only do 3.5 hours swimming and I was aiming for 5, I'm not concerned though in fact I'm feeling more at peace with myself as I trade my exhaustion for Zen. 

MoonLite

Part 5: Shoot for the Moon

Strangely I still have no idea why I am doing this. It's not something I pondered deeply and with great enthusiasm work up and said, "Moon you gotta sink or swim". I didn't reflect on the sorry state of things and read the writing on the wall. There was no reflection on the fact that I had fallen through rock bottom and broken through to a new layer of extra rock bottom. I was a ground zero lightning rod for yet another degree of pain and that wasn't stopping without me doing something.

I went swimming, it wasn't part of a grand plan of weight loss, it was just a thing I liked to do but hadn't for sometime. Afterwards I realized as I wearily crawled back to the dry land that this was the way, perhaps the only way that I could break through this exhaustion and sickness that was holding me back.

So I went swimming again, I just continued until it became the thing I did, there was no question about it. I just woke up and figured out when and how I was going to swim on that day. I think now that this compulsion is changing as I get more excited, as my addictions that have held me back are being over powered by this strange addiction to exercise.

My mind turns to goals, not because that is natural for me. I seldom set goals myself, as a very pessimistic and cynical person I don't really see myself succeeding at things often, however despite myself I am currently succeeding. So it's time to figure out what to aim for. Instantly my first instinct is to set a KG goal, cause being X weight equals happiness right? To me this kind of mentality is harmful, my progress is not a number. My progress is a lifestyle. One of my friends who is on a similar journey recently talked about the things that become easier as she becomes the healthy self she wants to be and its clear that aiming to pursue the lifestyle you want is far healthier than stressing about numbers on the scales.

So I am going to outline some vague goals and hope I hit at least some of them,

1. I want to be able to ride a bicycle,  reinforced to suit my weight or not. I just remember the amount of freedom I felt being able to bike places in my teens and I want the ability to be able to bike to the pool or along the waterfront in Petone.

2. I want to be able to wear a full shirt of chainmail, for my medieval fighting this is the best and most historic option and literally being too big to be able to support the tent of metal I'd need to wear is a little embarrassing!

3. I want to be able to buy non specialty clothes, its so expensive buying custom clothes or garments from the few outlets available. This would also allow me to be way more stylish.

This is where I am at so far, I think I'll add more goals as I continue, but I am pretty happy to be at a place where I am setting goals at all!

Part 4: Neurotic Aquatic

I think I'd be remiss in understating the effect this progress has been having on my mental health. My twenties have been a long road of depression with a second helping of anxiety. I have been no stranger to panic attacks and have had many sleepless night due to my imagination trying to crumble the sand castle walls I have put up around my psyche. I the waves that wore me down were called time, pain and panic.

Lately I have noticed such a change, I'm living life with a big goofy smile glued to my face and I'd like to call it adorable so I will. I feel good, I am not shying away from the man in the mirror and every step takes me further away from being the old Eli. I don't actually have too much of a problem with who he was, he'd learnt kindness and quiet wisdom over the last couple of years and matured into someone for more comfortable in his own skin... but damn was he tired.

I'd been rather run down with illness, both in the body and the soul. There was like this black wound on me that made everything hard. Peculiarly it was easiest to care for others during this time, I'd seek anyway to distract myself from addressing what needed to be done. I'd distract myself with entertainment, numb myself with food and date outrageous people (I'm only willing to give up two of those things!!).

There has been some lasting damage from my mental health or lack of it. I've missed out on some very fun celebrations or life events due to being so uncomfortable in that world other people seem to drift through seemingly effortlessly, I'd always have to offer a flimsy excuse or risk letting them in on my current state.

People know though, they can often tell when you aren't coping... that is the worst sometimes. I had a friend who every time we'd hang out would ask me if I was going ok and while I appreciated the fact that he cared it reminded me that the state of my sand castle walls needed repair. I wasn't ready to let anyone in, even if he was ready to help me a year and a half before I was ready to help myself.

Life as a self proclaimed Neurotic Aquatic has been much better, I'm so much less lonely, depressed or self destructive. Any hour swimming is an hour spent not drifting backwards to bad habits. Any hour swimming is spent with the conversation of a swimming buddy or the sweet tunes of those bands that fill me with fuel to dance like an idiot underwater.

As I catch my breath while gently floating in the water I have to wonder to myself one single question, "Is what happy feels like?"



MoonLite

Part 3: Sharing the ocean

I met someone early last week when I took my nephew swimming. I was slightly apprehensive when he first approached me, he looked like the kind of dude that would have made my life miserable at high school and despite being in my twenties I still can't escape my fear of being that big little kid again. My snap judgement proved to be wrong, he came up to me to tell me he admired how I was swimming with Kaiden my nephew and looking out for my health.

I saw him again today and got more of his story, I told him about my writing and he asked if I could write about him. He wanted me to talk about him but not reveal his name so we are going to call him Josh. It quickly became clear why he had been so touched to see Kaiden and I playing together in the water.

Josh misses his kids, he only gets to see them once a week as he is in a rehab facility while waiting to see if he is sentenced to prison. He is fighting some nasty withdrawals to some hard stuff and he is fighting hard to make sure he sorts his life out for his kids. Josh is part of a gang, its the life he knows and he loves it. He feels an intense camaraderie with his fellow gang members and is so proud of all the good things the gang accomplishes, he seems to understand that if he is lucky enough to not see anymore jail time that his life is going to have to change and that his kids are going to come first.

I didn't say much in return, what could I say to someone struggling so hard against some tough factors. I just listened to this dude who had compassion for me and a willingness to improve himself and I left the pool today better for it. I just want the best for him, My struggles seemed small in comparison I remember telling him, but he wouldn't have any of that saying that overcoming a food addiction is a really difficult thing and he was proud of me.

I watched Josh leave the pool to go back to the facility he is based at, he didn't leave the pool with a cloud of sadness or misery, he left laughing and in good spirits... because Sunday is the day Josh gets to see his kids.

AquaMoon

SwimTracker: 30 hours of swimming over 2 weeks so far.

Part 2: The Swordfish

Today I woke up in pain. An old injury in my shoulder that never properly healed has stopped by to say hello, my knuckles are bruised from training and my feet feel heavy and leaden after my attempts at swimming yesterday. Today is the day that the efforts of the last weeks catch up to me...

I'm tired, I'd like to rest. I'd like to just have coffee and paint all day and rock out to some music. I want to sit still and let that headache I've had brewing for the last couple of days break like a wave upon a rock. I'd like to rest... but not yet.

I've got a good thing going, yesterday I was able to do both a three hour swim and then training for my Medieval swordfighting group. Even after a swim I had more stamina than I have had in a long time, being able to don a helmet and move swiftly and surely on my feet is absolutely brilliant. I mean I'm no nimble gazelle prancing in a windswept meadow but I am seeing a quick and remarkable improvement.

I am spotting small improvements already, I am wearing clothes I haven't been able to wear for a long time and I am able to fit through doorways easier (Which embarrassingly was a awkward thing for me, but I promised to be honest). I also have a lot more energy into the evening and I'm not having to have an abusive relationship with coffee to function anymore, it is still the nectar of the gods don't get me wrong but I don't need it. My relationship with sleep is improving as well, I am waking up less throughout the night and that is absolutely fantastic.

One thing I have to mention is the amazing people I have been meeting at the pool, there has been so many inspiring people I have met that are on similar or even more harrowing missions than myself. People with intense disabilities that they are striving to overcome. One of the most heartwarming things is seeing how many people have their family and friends there helping them as I myself have had some of you helping me.

I can feel the soreness in my body calling me to stay home right now, but screw that. I'm off for a swim.

AquaMoon

Part 1: That's no Moon, that's an AquaMoon

I think there is a power in declaring my intentions, like the universe might actually aid me in actualizing this damn goal. It's a problem I have had all my life, well at least as far back as I can remember. It's a horribly apparent thing that it seldom needs clarification, that if you know me you have realized it. I am overweight to the point that I should by all reason have my own gravitational pull.

I've spent years drowning myself in depression and allowing myself to be consumed by this darkness as I myself consume... but honestly I just don't want to be that anymore... and I wish I could tell you wear this sudden epiphany has come from, this sudden burst of motivation and clarity that appears to cut through the self curated apathy I've been stuck in for long. I wish I could point to something and say "This" is the reason I'm doing what I'm doing... but I can't.

It's not like the last time I was semi-successful, I was fueled by some extreme anger and self loathing that I just don't have anymore. There's just this zen like clarity that this is what needs to happen. So how is it going to happen one might be inclined to ask... how do I plan to lose the weight?

Well... swimming? That is what I have at the moment. Swimming is low impact and doesn't make me pay too hard for the effort I put in. It's something that my body doesn't afterwards say to me "You're gonna need a couple of days to recover now punk". Its also damn liberating, like being in the water I move like one of the folks whose bodies don't feel all broken.

I have been in the water for eight of the last ten days, some days with swimming buddies and some days with just my music to keep me company. I'm trying to make this a sustainable effort where I can get to the point that I can do more activities on dry-land (Yes I have started talking like a sailor)

So, lets treat this as a statement of intent. This is me saying this is my plan, I'm going to swim until my blue whale body is more killer whale, I'm going to have a heap of fun while doing it... and I'm going to do it in my usual damn style.

AquaMoon