Part 36: Chew until happy.

Yesterday I took a big step and went to the doctor for some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. I have been in this position before and they didn't work too well for me so I'm a little apprehensive to try again but it's got to the point that they aren't really optional. My brain doesn't function well... and that's ok.

I wish I could confess that this journey was as simple as just weight loss but I know that if I don't get my head right I'm going to end up right back where I started. In the spirit of honesty that I started this whole thing in I wanted to explain a bit about how the depression affects me and because I think its super important to be open about these things so others that are struggling can see that they aren't alone.

Depression for me manifests as this apathetic monster that makes it hard to do anything, it's like a shadow that weighs you down and you scream inside for the energy that it takes from you. It makes me feel like I am in an abusive relationship with myself. Depression makes me barter with it everyday for the energy to go outside, to see people or do some really basic things. I couldn't describe how much bartering everyday I have to do with my shadow to get it to let me go swimming, it's just monumental.

Self care is the first thing that slides and the last thing to come back as my sanity improves. The idea of looking after myself is just so exotic and bizarre when I'm in my worst states... so I just don't. I don't drink water, I forget to shave, I make terrible food choices and occasionally I'll just not get out of bed and just feel exhausted despite having just woken. I struggle to find a reason to do anything for me, which is peculiar as I'll fight planets for my loved ones.

Ok... deep breath.

All I've described is the stuff for years that I've termed manageable... stuff I can live with, I'd put in place stuff to deal with the worst aspects, I have good support and some decent coping strategies. I'd started therapy to deal with some past trauma and I was doing pretty well until I splintered slightly and my shadow dragged my down and made me confront the Pandora's box of bullshit I've got shackling me to it.

Life got tough and I felt suicidal. I just wanted to not exist and all of the things I'd built my life around seemed pointless and fragile. Paranoia began to run rampant and I couldn't move most days. I struggled to swim and I just wanted to cancel everything. I wanted to bail on all of my obligations for a month, I wanted to just blast loud music and have it drown out my thoughts.

I kept going because I was expected...

"I've got something on on friday, I've got to be around for that"

That's a weird thought to keep living for. The fact that you'd told someone you'd be somewhere, or do something or the fact that you'd borrowed a video game six months ago from a friend and they needed it back (I'm still playing it, I swear). I think the main thought that always gets me through is Friend/Family/Endangered species needs me and I can't let them down as a crescendo of snarky concerned thoughts bombard me with "Don't you need you too?!"

So I keep going, I don't function well but I keep going because the other option is atrocious. I'm a bit over drowning in my thoughts though, it's time to swim and if pills need to be my flotation device for a while to make sure I don't sink then there's absolutely no shame in that.

Moon.

Part 35: Chicago

Progress is hard won lately. I have found however if I eat the vegetables I have more energy, if I swim I have more flexibility and if I scream my feelings out at sky I have more annoyed neighbors. Basically its the paint by numbers approach to dieting and mental health which is honestly so not sexy or glamorous but it works.

The biggest change this week I've noticed is my footwork, I'm getting closer to being able to fricken dance folks... so maybe my dream of being prom queen isn't so far fetched. I've noticed when I move I can do things I couldn't before, things that beforehand my body would give me a big WARNING TOO FAT signal before I even tried em.

This isn't to say I am currently doing flying somersaults over small buildings, just that noticeable change is returning and honestly that is fantastic. I'm still struggling to get back to my pre-covid level of enthusiasm for literally anything but seeing some of the changes I'm excited!

I am pretty keen to see more progress over the oncoming weeks. I know what I need to do to succeed and now its just a matter of damn doing it. I think for me the battle isn't just the workouts and the diet but having to deal with the pretty apathetic person that lives in my brain most days. So each day I'm flipping a coin to see which wins, the depression or the progression.

Part 34: The Lighthouse

I think this last week I have been feeling more like I'm drowning rather than swimming. I've honestly been struggling and I'm not going to lie it got pretty damn dark and my brain was under siege from this tidal wave of emotion and stress. It's made it hard to do anything, let alone anything productive.
This last week I honestly haven't functioned at even 18% of my normal capacity. I've considered booking a damn flight out of this town. I've made poor eating decisions and not worked out enough... and you know what? That is ok.

That is ok because that is last week's story. That isn't this week's, or next week's... or the week after's. I'm strong enough now to know that my weakness is as fleeting as I let it be and my power to dominate my misery exists somewhere deep down. I've also tasted enough victory to know that I'm into it. I want to succeed and I'll aggressively work towards it.

I've had some great support so far to get this far and I am determined to kick ass and find whatever happiness I can in this bizarre story that is my life even if I have to sucker punch the current narrator in the throat and take over ownership of how this tale goes. I think slipping a bit has given me some glorious anger and If I have to use that to get back to a place of bliss then so fucking be it.

I am armed with the past, and the will... and a brick.

Moon

PS: Thank you to all of those that keep picking me up when I fall, you have my eternal gratitude.