Part 39: Return of the Moon

 Hey folks, had a bit of a shit couple of months there and fell off the wagon. I make no excuses, it just happened. I've renewed my efforts with some help and hope to do better. It's blood hard though. I didn't want to start up talking about it until I'd had at least a while of doing quite well again for fear of feeling like I'd failed earlier.

I have attempted to quit my love affair with carbs a few times before in the past, overall carbs are doing pretty well kicking the crap out of me. It's like round 9921 and I've been on the floor since round 6 just getting pummeled by a wrestling loaf of Freya's multigrain tag teaming with a block of cheese. 

I'm hoping that this time I find something more to live for than what I have valued previously. I'm going to do my best and just keep at it. Swimming is key. 

Off to be a MerMoon now. 

Part 38: Unexpected...

 Today marks the most eventful swimming trip I've had. I'd been doing well having my hours climb slowly as I put in the work to meet my goals and had a new swimming buddy join me today. Towards the end of the swim though she began to feel a bit short of breath and we slowly got out of the pool. 

It was clear that something was wrong and with her medical history I was pretty concerned as she wasn't really able to talk and breathe at the same time. We called the lifeguard over who arrived just in time to witness my friend collapse into me... as the softest surface in the pool she did well to hit me rather than the hard stone floor. 

I was conflicted, I knew that she had these episodes and that fainting was something she dealt with on a daily basis and that her protocol was not to call an ambulance. But heck, if someone is unconscious I am going to have to call the "Heals on Wheels". Fortunately the lifeguards are bound by some dark secret oath to call them if people are in dire circumstances so that removed any doubt for me. 

The paramedics showed up a little while after my friend regained consciousness and fitted her with heart monitors and did their best to deal with my rather horrid sense of humor (Which is honestly so bad in a crisis). I was so glad that she ended up being ok but overall it was a pretty freaky experience. 

The lifeguards were great and helpful but my take away from this is that if you feel at all ill while in the pool... get the hell out of there. That would have been so damn hard to extract an unconscious person from the water. 

A big thank you to the paramedics and the staff at Huia pool. :) 

Part 37: Sunset

 I think this last month I have wanted to give up at least once a day. Give up on diets and leaving the house and exercise. Give up on seeing my loved ones or work or just anything. Then as quickly as those moods fall they leave unexpectedly. You know what though... thats ok. 

That's ok because I haven't given up, I have continued to move. I've managed to continue reducing my carbs and sugar and despite setbacks I've kept fighting. I think if I was only fighting when things were easy this attempt was doomed from the get go. I'm glad to have some perseverance. 

So in the spirit of that allow me to focus on the things that are going ok. I've been able to fight again at sword fighting once more and with semi decent stamina, I've been able to walk longer and longer distances and oh... I joined a gym and have actually used it! I think the fact that I am liking more and more how I look is good for my self esteem too. I am so sorry for the selfie barrage... 

I'd like to think the anti depressants are helping too, I might just need more of em... or bigger ones! But thats ok, it wasn't gonna be an instant fix and nothing ever is you know. I think that this whole situation is going to require patience which normally I'm good at. 

I am also trying to make sure I focus on the little things that cheer me up. Like I've set an alarm the last couple of days so I don't miss the sunset and I can enjoy that with a coffee and daydream. Soon I'm going to be able to do this ritual on the beach after an ocean swim and I am absolutely excited. 

Sunset in Wellington is 6:04 tonight. 

Part 36: Chew until happy.

Yesterday I took a big step and went to the doctor for some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. I have been in this position before and they didn't work too well for me so I'm a little apprehensive to try again but it's got to the point that they aren't really optional. My brain doesn't function well... and that's ok.

I wish I could confess that this journey was as simple as just weight loss but I know that if I don't get my head right I'm going to end up right back where I started. In the spirit of honesty that I started this whole thing in I wanted to explain a bit about how the depression affects me and because I think its super important to be open about these things so others that are struggling can see that they aren't alone.

Depression for me manifests as this apathetic monster that makes it hard to do anything, it's like a shadow that weighs you down and you scream inside for the energy that it takes from you. It makes me feel like I am in an abusive relationship with myself. Depression makes me barter with it everyday for the energy to go outside, to see people or do some really basic things. I couldn't describe how much bartering everyday I have to do with my shadow to get it to let me go swimming, it's just monumental.

Self care is the first thing that slides and the last thing to come back as my sanity improves. The idea of looking after myself is just so exotic and bizarre when I'm in my worst states... so I just don't. I don't drink water, I forget to shave, I make terrible food choices and occasionally I'll just not get out of bed and just feel exhausted despite having just woken. I struggle to find a reason to do anything for me, which is peculiar as I'll fight planets for my loved ones.

Ok... deep breath.

All I've described is the stuff for years that I've termed manageable... stuff I can live with, I'd put in place stuff to deal with the worst aspects, I have good support and some decent coping strategies. I'd started therapy to deal with some past trauma and I was doing pretty well until I splintered slightly and my shadow dragged my down and made me confront the Pandora's box of bullshit I've got shackling me to it.

Life got tough and I felt suicidal. I just wanted to not exist and all of the things I'd built my life around seemed pointless and fragile. Paranoia began to run rampant and I couldn't move most days. I struggled to swim and I just wanted to cancel everything. I wanted to bail on all of my obligations for a month, I wanted to just blast loud music and have it drown out my thoughts.

I kept going because I was expected...

"I've got something on on friday, I've got to be around for that"

That's a weird thought to keep living for. The fact that you'd told someone you'd be somewhere, or do something or the fact that you'd borrowed a video game six months ago from a friend and they needed it back (I'm still playing it, I swear). I think the main thought that always gets me through is Friend/Family/Endangered species needs me and I can't let them down as a crescendo of snarky concerned thoughts bombard me with "Don't you need you too?!"

So I keep going, I don't function well but I keep going because the other option is atrocious. I'm a bit over drowning in my thoughts though, it's time to swim and if pills need to be my flotation device for a while to make sure I don't sink then there's absolutely no shame in that.

Moon.

Part 35: Chicago

Progress is hard won lately. I have found however if I eat the vegetables I have more energy, if I swim I have more flexibility and if I scream my feelings out at sky I have more annoyed neighbors. Basically its the paint by numbers approach to dieting and mental health which is honestly so not sexy or glamorous but it works.

The biggest change this week I've noticed is my footwork, I'm getting closer to being able to fricken dance folks... so maybe my dream of being prom queen isn't so far fetched. I've noticed when I move I can do things I couldn't before, things that beforehand my body would give me a big WARNING TOO FAT signal before I even tried em.

This isn't to say I am currently doing flying somersaults over small buildings, just that noticeable change is returning and honestly that is fantastic. I'm still struggling to get back to my pre-covid level of enthusiasm for literally anything but seeing some of the changes I'm excited!

I am pretty keen to see more progress over the oncoming weeks. I know what I need to do to succeed and now its just a matter of damn doing it. I think for me the battle isn't just the workouts and the diet but having to deal with the pretty apathetic person that lives in my brain most days. So each day I'm flipping a coin to see which wins, the depression or the progression.

Part 34: The Lighthouse

I think this last week I have been feeling more like I'm drowning rather than swimming. I've honestly been struggling and I'm not going to lie it got pretty damn dark and my brain was under siege from this tidal wave of emotion and stress. It's made it hard to do anything, let alone anything productive.
This last week I honestly haven't functioned at even 18% of my normal capacity. I've considered booking a damn flight out of this town. I've made poor eating decisions and not worked out enough... and you know what? That is ok.

That is ok because that is last week's story. That isn't this week's, or next week's... or the week after's. I'm strong enough now to know that my weakness is as fleeting as I let it be and my power to dominate my misery exists somewhere deep down. I've also tasted enough victory to know that I'm into it. I want to succeed and I'll aggressively work towards it.

I've had some great support so far to get this far and I am determined to kick ass and find whatever happiness I can in this bizarre story that is my life even if I have to sucker punch the current narrator in the throat and take over ownership of how this tale goes. I think slipping a bit has given me some glorious anger and If I have to use that to get back to a place of bliss then so fucking be it.

I am armed with the past, and the will... and a brick.

Moon

PS: Thank you to all of those that keep picking me up when I fall, you have my eternal gratitude.

Part 33: Be cool, stay in pool.

I am feeling accomplished as today I hit my 150th hour all up of swimming. I'd like to think that today started gloriously with me starting out waking up ready to dive into the pool like a torpedo... but that wasn't the case, today started with a sleep in, a headache and a complete desire to do anything other than submerge myself.  Fortunately for my goals the appeal of hitting this milestone drove me to pursue it.

I thought I'd be at this point a lot earlier but you know... Covid. I'm still happy with my progress and am finding getting back into the swing of it ok. I did however lose most of my regular swimming buddies over lock down so apart from some guest stars it's mostly been me and my headphones gracing the pool with our presence.

I'm surprised that I have made as much progress as I have to be honest, I'm not great at committing to healthy life change and then following through but hey maybe that's changing. If I am able to accomplish this sort of thing while battling poor self esteem, anxiety, depression and addiction then well... who is to know what is possible?

Part 32: Re-Aquatic

I'm pretty proud of myself, my enthusiasm to pull off a life change has never lasted this long before. Any success I've had in life is normally a knee jerk response to a bad situation as I smash into rock bottom... so I'm glad my head is still in the game.

Finding out that I can fit my old suits again makes me so happy, there has been so much that I have talked myself out of going to because I d believed I couldn't dress nice for the occasion. I've missed parties, dates and even one of my oldest friend's wedding because I didn't feel like I could look the part. This gives me a hell of a lot more confidence even if I don't wear em frequently having that option is really empowering.

Speaking of empowering, I'm coming out of the depression swamp. I can tell this by taking more care of myself and my surroundings. I'm really loving changing the way I see myself and the face I put on for the world. I'm hitting my stride in my self discovery and loving it.

With the hydrotherapy pool back up and running it feels good to be hitting my stride once more. I'm not yet able to do as much as I was prior to lockdown but that is to be expected. I'm damn tired from my efforts but I'm so ready for this even if I have to crawl over the finish line.

Part 31: Battle Envy

While today began with a lot of optimism it ended up being far less than ideal. Today was my first day back swimming and I was super excited for the opportunity to be able to begin this journey again, while my heart was in it I just wish someone had told my brain.

After the first hour and a half in the pool I emerged to get a drink and thats when the first panic attack hit, now I am used to panic attacks coming on with no rhyme or reason so I wasn't surprised. What did surprise me was the severity of this panic attack. I hyperventilated and found myself unable to utter more than a few syllables. Soaking wet and miserable I got through this panic attack and after  composing myself for a while (and listening to experimental riot grrrl grunge tunes) I returned to the water.

One hour and a half later and then the same thing happened... expect worse. I journeyed out of the pool to get changed and made it to the changing room when I started to see black spots as I hyperventilated. The changing room was empty so I wisely ventured out still in my dripping togs to be somewhere where I could be seen in case I actually passed out.

One of the staff noticed I was having a realllll bad time and mouthed "are you ok?" My answer a vigorous shake of my head. Within moments I was surrounded by helpful staff wanting to know what they could do as I uttered the words "Panic Attack", when they inquired what they should do I spluttered, "Just talk... how is everyone's days going?" They kept me distracted until I recovered and my breathing returned to a normal rate. They told me that I'd gone a similar color to my hair at the worst points. They stayed with me until I recovered and that should have been that but It flared back up again as I got ready to leave.

I don't really know what to do from here... I am so unwilling to sit out life and feel this battle envy I've felt for the last eight weeks. I want to fight, I want to win... but right now I just want to be sacrificed to the nearest angry volcano god. These walls that I keep hitting are getting really hard to break through and I am struggling.

Part 30: Daybreak

As the lockdown ends (hopefully permanently) I'm reenvirgorated to get back into swimming and making progress. Getting the same kind of workout during the lockdown as been pretty tough and I'm so stoked to be getting back into what was working for me.

Lockdown felt like a holding pattern of trying to keep all the weight from just piling back on all at once and man it was pretty close. I gotta say, accidentally starting therapy just as the world is turning to absolute chaos was a fantastic accident. It let me focus on getting some things in order and will be a vital part of getting to where I need to go. 

some other positive things about the lockdown was that I got to focus on controlling my diabetes with fewer distractions, I got to know what worked well for me and what didn't. I figured out what was going to cause me intense pain and what would be manageable. I also found out during this period that my dream of running away and being a rugged mountain man living off the grid is absolutely not my style, I missed people. Just even being around strangers yesterday provided some comfort after eight weeks of very little social interaction. 

I'm going to keep this entry short and just say thanks to the people who helped me through this hard time whether it was by grocery deliveries, human communication or just positive messages of support for the future that lay ahead of the lockdown. I hope everyone else is ok, I cannot imagine the difficulties that many of you would have faced over the lockdown... all I can say is that watching how we weathered the storm together with compassion and understanding was the first time I have felt truly proud to call myself a kiwi. 

Moon

Part 29: The Post Credits Fallacy

So there's this point in each movie where the credits roll and everything has played out. Well before we find out who played that one actor we can't place... we begin to search for faults with what we've just witnessed. We pick it apart with the beautiful precision of seasoned film critics. One visual slight here, one audible slight here. Sooner or later the film is assassinated in minds, destroyed by our negative mindsets and our addiction to perfection. So when I tell you that I've been viewing myself with this critical lens all my life. I'm the critic. I used to get bullied folks and I gotta tell you some days I miss it... because at least then it was someone else doing the evisceration. I hope someday that some peace will come to me, that anxiety will no longer drive me to pick apart the aspects of my life I cannot control. I hope I will allow myself some zen and stop putting so many negative expectations on myself. I want to be safe from myself and I no longer wish to wear the mantle of my own harshest critic. I'm figuring it out though, I've hired a new critic that's been telling it to me straight where my head's at and how to best proceed. I'm sick of reviewing my past and tearing it apart but it does look like progress is going to require me to dig deep and re-watch some pretty horrific scenes in my film to get my feelings out properly. I think the Therapy I started recently is going to be fantastically helpful, in my case it's like fixing a bone that's healed poorly though... as it's reset it's going to be agony but in the long run I'll be better for it. I have to have hope at least, unlike a bad film... people don't get a reboot. MoonLite

Part 28: Cosmic Collision

I started therapy this week, I know what you are thinking... it's about time! I'm never afraid to admit that my emotional and mental health fluctuates like a change in weather. I think it's good to focus on the attack on a mental health front at the same time as trying to make some good physical changes.

I say this but I must admit that I was a little stumped as to where to start with outlining where everything went wrong. It became clear though that digging through the past for that one moment that everything spiraled out of control is so damn pointless. There are so many small things that contribute to the slow breaking point where "Ok" becomes "Woah, I wanna get off this ride".

I guess as I have moved on from past failures it has no longer been the initial impacts of the meteors on the Moon that I'm suffering from, it's the craters that remained after that lingered. Fixing a physical wound is really simple, you get better... or you don't. A psychological wound is such a huge echoing chasm that you might look at and think well... that's broken. Dotted over my psych were all these little vulnerable wounds that wanted me to pick at them.

For a long time I could only be this wounded creature, I didn't know how to heal. I thought at some point It'd just happen. Like I'd wake up one day and one of the wounds would have closed and then slowly they'd all follow suit until I was whole.

I think I first started making progress when I abandoned the concept of ever being whole again, life is always going to take swings at you and the meteors will undoubtedly continue to rain down. With age comes good experience, some of the meteors you may deflect, some you may recover from quicker. I think mostly though I have begun to accept my flaws as some of my beauty and I've taken some of my power back from my own negativity.

I'm wounded, some days I'm broken. That's just part of who I am. A Moon dotted with craters and shining despite or maybe... because of it.

Part 27: Rise of the Supermoon.

Life's been crazy... but that quiet kind of creeping still crazy where nothing seems to be happening externally and it's all inner turmoil and stress. Most of us are going through the same strain as we wait to see what shape the world takes when this thing is in the past.

Normally for myself the world is a place where I take refuge in from myself. Every part of life is a cultivated distraction to stop myself from turning my thoughts inwards... because honestly my horrid depression and self loathing play a rough and ruthless game of tag team destruction if left to run rampant. I thought to myself as lockdown began, oh god don't lock me in here with myself.

Recent discussions though have begun to shed some light on how I have changed, sometimes without realizing that it was happening. I began to have better standards for myself, for what I owed to myself... and for how I lived my life.

I got tired of administering myself insults when kindness would suffice, I admitted my faults from a position of strength rather than weakness and I learnt to own the qualities others saw in me... both the good and the bad. Admittedly most of my qualities were both at the same time.

While I don't necessarily always like the person I have become it gives me great strength to know that they are someone I can coexist with. Even when the sounds of the distractions die down to a mere murmur I am able to avoid spiraling into the loathing I found unavoidable in my former years.

I hope other people are engaging on safe journeys of self reflection and notice something they like about themselves that they had not before. We can chose to some extent who is in our own bubble but we are always going to have to live with ourselves.

Part 26: Exhale

Lately everything seems pointless. I have the presence of mind to know that this is fleeting. This is just the message my brain likes to send me. I don't view it as a challenge to overcome anymore, it's just this glitch that keeps sending the wrong signals. It screams a cold, dark series of syllables at me, this depression wants to be feed. I hold my breath.

I know what it wants, It wants something to gnaw on, something to consume. Depression is a sudden but ultimately predictable creature, when it rears it's ugly head it's easy to know how to sate it. Some people describe it as a black dog that follows them around... but I prefer to view it as a carnivorous cloud. It can fit under doors, take new shapes and it can make even the finest day dim. So when this hungry cloud comes calling I hold my breath and I grab an umbrella.

An umbrella can take any shape, it might be a call from a friend, a blast of music or more recently a work out. I don't want to give in to this vapor, this strange emotive thing that disappears and reappears like bad weather. Depression is a self inflicted cruelty some of us never master. Normally the umbrellas I own are capable of making this cloud a bother and an obstacle but a manageable one. Lately it seems though that all my umbrellas have holes in them and the cloud is getting in.

It's all too clear to me why my umbrellas are all in disarray, the world's in a bit of havoc right now and I've never been good with sudden change, dire circumstances or loved ones in peril. I have this dire need to exhale and take a big deep breath but sometimes I can only see this cloud... and the breathing that in isn't something I want to do. Previously I'd numb myself with food. I'd give this cloud something to eat... but I desperately don't want to be him. Not anymore. I just fucking can't.

So yesterday in lieu of breaking down I went and punched the punching bag again. This wasn't the daily work out anymore... This was an assassination attempt, but yet it still swung there mocking me after I had finished with my knuckles and emotions raw. I have no perfect fix right now, my ability to help my loved ones through a pandemic is non existent, my ability to help myself is being sorely tasked, my willingness to fight fluctuating minute from minute.

I lean against the punching bag and I exhale.

Part 25: Life on Home Detention

It's weird to think we weren't really promised anything we take for granted it's just that over time the expectation that these things would be in place has enforced a sense of entitlement and boy do I have my fair share of it. It's kind of like when the last corner video store shutdown and you think to yourself in frustration... how am I going to rent five movies for five dollars that I never needed to watch now?

I think a lot of people will grieve for the weirdest things, it's like the cravings you have for chocolate or bread... except this time its people hurting from their retail addictions and other less considered problems. I admit I buy a lot of stuff to make me feel better, its a problem. I dress it up as collections but it's a deep emptiness that I try to fill with lots of things, food and consumerism being some of the more easily identifiable.

I am feeling a little weird because this is the second time that life has put the stops on the swimming progress. It feels a little like when you are playing a video game and you had out of bounds and the camera gently begins to guide you back on track. Sometimes I think of it like being well is just a downloadable content add on for life that I skimped out on paying for.

There's some anguish, I settling in for the idea that this is going to be a long lonely ninety days. Which is what has been recommended for someone in my position. I want to be able to swim, I want to be able to help. I want to be able to be there for the community I have grown to love over the last ten years. Instead it feels like the digital depression I had for much of my twenties, stuck behind a screen and existing in this weird state.

I'm still weirdly optimistic, whatever crazed thing that dragged me to swimming every day still screams me awake every morning like an army drill sergeant but with more flair. The depressive oppressive state just doesn't fit where I'm at right now so I'm avoiding slipping back into it by keeping busy.

Busy can look like a lot of things, for me lately its been a mixture of Sword practice, boxing, gardening, painting, dancing, craft projects, starting a board game library and attempting to make people laugh. So far... so good? I think we are all in a pretty uncertain time right now and everyone seems like they are a hell of a lot tougher than me, maybe its just that I have got to this beautiful point of being able to vocalize my feelings that I still feel the need to do so.

Part 24: A painting of a panic attack.

It's said a picture says a thousand words, though I was never too good at drawing. I do however believe based on all those well received creative writing assignments I wrote in college for other people in my english class... I have some ability to write. Huge apologies to my English teacher by the way, that wasn't so cool of me I guess. I have digressed, where was I? Oh yes, tonight I'm visited by a familiar friend that I wanted to introduce you to... as I attempt to paint this panic attack.

A classic panic attack can feel like a lot of things, to me personally it feels like falling backwards into a realm in which no air can fill my lungs, my brain begins to scream with two voices simultaneously, "Eli, you are falling" and "Eli, this is all in your head". One of the voices screams so much louder than the other, as I begin to die.

Now I'm not really dying, that's just my brain being kind of dramatic. I have ceased to breathe properly by this point, as I subconsciously cling on to the shreds of air I have already in my lungs and struggle to exhale. In mere seconds the world feels like it's rushing up at me, strangling me. In reality my breathing, blood pressure and heart rate are all within acceptable tolerances but try telling that to the panic. It's growing and hyperventilation is near, mental techniques kick in as I struggle to resist being done in by it's persistence. I win each time, I retain consciousness and eventually begin to be able to breath once more.

What causes these? I have a few things that will almost certainly help them manifest, though they are able to appear without cause. My two main triggers are so different from each other. The first is easy to explain, I am terrified of the highway and the speed at which cars drift like metal death traps along it... the fact that no one else finds this absolutely terror inducing will always remain a mystery to me.

The second is... weird. I don't really understand it. I have a fear of vast things (Which honestly is kind of ironic). It's this strange caveman like mentality, comprehending things like the depth of the ocean, how large jupiter is or trying to picture large numbers of things leaves me a shivering wreck. I just want to drop to the ground and scream. I feel weak for admitting this, but I know that there is such strength in being honest. I feel like this fear comes from a lack of being able to control external factors in my life, please forgive me my faults I'm a control freak... but an honest one.

You might be wondering why I'm telling you this and it this time. I just travelled to this point by way of the worst three hour panic attack I've ever felt and I wanted to be honest. I wanted to let you know that sometimes my brain just decides that everything is scary. I wanted to help normalise it for those of you out there that suffer from them silently. I wanted to illuminate and paint a picture of my irrational panic so if it's alien to you it is no longer so.

Part 23: This Winter might be rough.

So a month ago if you'd told me that the world would conspire to put me back in the situation where I gained all the weight in the first place I would have laughed you off. As the main character in my story I tend to have this vain view on how things are supposed to progress. Here we are though, my world is in isolation, that means no swimming, no seeing people and they cancelled the olympics so there goes one of my goals this year!

It would be really easy while confined to the house to just depression eat and play video games. The reality of being immunocompromised means that I might have to spend far longer being isolated than others. Keeping myself busy is going to be essential and that means projects, preferably outdoors projects really.

It's going to be a challenge to keep my mental health in check, isolation reminds me of some pretty bad times in my life when I didn't do anything or have any friends. I am glad the whole facebook thing exists and this blog might provide some sanity but there is so much madness to be found in those quiet moments.

My goals for this period are pretty simple,

Be available for those that need me.
Build up my strength once more for sword fighting.
Rekindle my love for gardening.
Do something active every day.
Find something to laugh about every day. 

These are all pretty basic things but the world has changed and they are necessary, this is going to be rough on everyone. I'm going to try tackle it with humour and weirdness, for I know no other way.

Apocalyptic MoonLite

Part 22: Plan... B?

If you are native to the planet we are currently on you most likely have heard about the Covid-19 and to all the aliens out there reading my words... greetings. Covid-19 has been a nasty wee thing, lots of panic and illness. It's also drastically changed the way most of us are leading our lives, no big events and many people are working from home.

From a strictly weight loss point of view that comes with a bit of a disappointment for me as the pools are likely to close which have been the one way I have been making so much progress. I have had to reevaluate what I am actually able to do without wrecking my body if this eventuates.

The answer actually took quite a while, it has to be something I am capable of doing in isolation if needed. Last night I finally got my answer of what I can do... I'm going to learn to dance, I'll rely on Youtube and the internet in general but I think I can do it and honestly with the music blaring then I'll be super into it.

On an upbeat note, I recently weighed myself and found I'd lost 22 Kgs, I didn't think I'd lost that much but damn... thats awesome. When my doctor told me my weight at my worst I wanted to cry, or actually... I wanted to eat something and then cry later. It's nice to be moving away from that point.

I recently celebrated a milestone of weight loss by dyeing my hair the brightest damn blue I have ever seen and I love it. I'm feeling so much better about myself with some weight decreasing, some new clothes and taking a bit more pride in how I look.

I have been finding it so much easier to just feel happy recently without leaning on emotional crutches that are horrible for me. It like my brain just started making the happy chemicals for once and then was like screw it, lets work double time and just make this creature ecstatic. What ever the cause its a good change.

Stay safe out there folks!

(Oh also my blog is nearly at 10,000 views... so that is baffling and fantastic!!!)

Moonlite

Part 21: In the Green.

I learnt how to stab myself yesterday... wait I guess I should rephrase that. I learnt how to use a diabetic blood sugar testing kit with utilizes needles. Needles used to be a thing that bothered me a lot more than they do now, I guess spending a week as a pincushion to a team of vicious medical professionals toughens you up to the idea of being jabbed with sharp metal objects.

It was actually rather amusing as the nurse who was supposed to be teaching me how to use the kit did not know so we learnt together under the tutelage of Professor Google and teacher's aide, Mr Youtube. She keep going "Did that stab you?" after psyching me up for the billionth time and the machine now delivering the injection. When the injection was finally complete and my blood was extracted I was super pleased to know that I was well in the green zone for where my sugar levels were at, having come down drastically since the hospital. I was pretty happy that I turned down that chocolate cake and ice cream the night before at a community function I was at. Later on I let a friend be the one to stab me and she took so much joy in it... I better watch out for that one...

My day then turned to swimming and I was not prepared for what happened there. The poor lifeguards ended up having the most dramatic customer, an elderly Greek woman refused to move from the swimmers lane despite being asked multiple times (Apparently she does this every time), when they politely but insistently tried to ask her she began muttering that insults and racist comments.

I approached her and tried to reason with her myself and even invited her to come aqua jogging with me, she treated me with more kindness than she showed the staff but between her anger and a solid language barrier it was difficult to make any progress. At a later point she ended up fully drenching a poor lifeguard with a massive intentional splash and the he was pretty miffed about that. As she left she informed me that she plans on swimming elsewhere and I felt a bit sorry for all involved, she had informed me she has pain and the pool helps... but her inability to follow instructions or be respectful had cost her a respite from her pain.

Hopefully we all learn to coexist one day.

Part 20: Ghouls just wanna have fun.

I'm currently combating a wave of nasty depression and rather than letting it knock me down I am going to focus on my goal setting and where I want to be in the future. I don't want to let depression beat me, it's too frequently won these battles but now I have the upper hand in the form of strangely unshakable optimism that I swear someone is spiking my drinks with.

So, screw it... goals. Mostly at the moment my goals are all swimming related, I.e amount of hours spent in pools, length of time I can hold my breath for, the speed of my aqua jogging or the ease at which I can pull myself out of the pool. All these things are currently improving and I aim to keep them that way but I think some extra incentives are always welcome. I think the main thing I want to focus on is time spent swimming, I'm pretty good with the constant tempo of movement so I think that will gradually increase as I keep it up.

I think the main way I want to reward myself is by making myself feel pretty, it's pretty sad by my reckoning that I feel so wretched all the time and I think some self care will help with that but also screw it, lets go all out a little. I'm aiming for some pretty new piercings and maybe even tattoos as I hit milestones to make me the full metal emo of my dreams. It's not how everyone would chose to reward themselves but honestly it's pretty motivating to me!

Some really cool news today, my friends went and picked me up some new clothes and saved me a harrowing trip on the motorway. Most of it is smaller than what I used to wear, some of it is new togs as my old ones no longer fit.... in all cases with the clothing sizes its not an upward trend so that is fantastic. This actually makes me feel delighted, I'm wearing a top that currently feels like it was made for my body type as opposed to a tent that I crawled into and someone cut some arm holes. All the clothes are light weight and made to look like actually garments so this is a new thing for me.

Another fantastic thing is my punching bag as been finally resurrected so I can now take out all of life's frustrations against it and it's swinging mockery. I am looking forward to being able to mix up my work out styles and find new strength through training in different ways. There is nothing like being able to take out your fury on a punching bag... and nothing like swimming gracefully in the water.

As always I am super grateful to those that have supported me during this journey but I feel like it needs to be said again today.

MoonLite

Part 19: Killed my idols, melted down my vinyl.

I think one of the hardest bits is expecting instant big changes. I don't mean I woke up this morning and I expected to be able to go for a massive marathon or thought I'd be able to sick tricks on my skateboard while a crowd of onlookers looked... onward(?) chanting my name. I mean all that would be nice and everything... but I am still struggling with some things I wish I weren't.

Also understanding my limits is a big one at the moment, I don't know what I can do and what I can't without getting very sick again and ending up in hospital once more. I guess my strategy of taking it easy on Drylandia and going  full on in the water is a sensible one... yet each night I try to get to sleep I am attacked by thoughts that tonight is the night that I wake up unable to walk again, that this next week is going to be hell or worst... that I might not improve this time.

It's really easy to think that I'm being overly concerned, but I normally have these flare ups 1-2 times a month and doing more increase that risk and currently... I'm doing heaps. It's so strange to not be able to trust the skin you are in to cooperate with you. I want to yell at my body, "Look, I'm getting the sunlight, I'm eating the greens and I'm doing the moving so back the hell off" but the message gets lost in translation.

I think that I had a bit of doubt about starting this blog a little while back, I thought that I wanted people to know me as my fictionalized self... that cleverly created digital construct of a person. Never saying anything too bold and meekly existing in a totally non challenging way. I thought that if I just stayed in my room you'd remember me in my youth. There was a resigned weakness about me like a shadow afraid of the light. Last year I wouldn't have admitted to an audience that I almost didn't go see a movie with my family because I had to be concerned whether I'd fit in the chair or that I hate public transport as I am so big and unwieldy that I hit everyone accidentally as I move down the aisle... but I think I have lived underground for far too long and I'm done with it.

I have started a new thing where I take lots of photos of myself to capture the slow changes and I am currently psyching myself to upload my worst photo ever to facebook to show my progress so far... I think its gotta be soon! I find myself seeing my reflection and not thinking "MONSTER" and have started thinking "Monster" so there's that.

Part 18: The Gnawing

Sometimes the demons come back around and it's always with fateful knock on your door on the one morning that you are weakest. My stress levels have been pretty high lately as I face off against a series of almost laughable circumstances and I can feel myself wanting to slip, wanting to chuck everything positive into a burning abyss and just slump into the form of a messy pile of discarded beanbags.

Of course, I can't do that. Despite my brain screaming at me that it desires "CARBS, COFFEE AND SUGAR!", in that order I might add. This demon I recognise, it's mouth is a bottomless maw and it wishes for me to feed it but the fuel it really eats are my goals and my future. I don't wish to feed it... it hasn't had much luck knocking here lately but it's like it senses I am weak.

Frantically I begin to reach for anything to do to keep it at bay, already near breaking point before factoring into the situation the knocking demon. I figure painting will at least let me focus on something else... so after reaching for my brushes I begin to lose track of time as I feverishly paint to keep myself sane.

I want to eat, it wants me to eat. The thin line of control is strained and made of brush strokes. I won't let myself allow my mood to be the dictator of my fate. I won't allow my efforts to crumble due to my lack of willpower. I go five rounds with the creature...

And I lost.

I'm not going to represent it another way. Today I stuffed up and I regret it, I controlled my fall somewhat but I must admit that some battles I'm going to lose. Occasionally I'm going to be really damn bad at this and it's unfair on anyone going through anything similar to pretend otherwise. Will I still be swimming tomorrow? Yep. Is it still salad for dinner? Yep. Am I a real person that stuffs up? Yep.

Being an emotional eater is really difficult and damn... I am 94% emotion. One weird silver lining is that I have found I'm only able to eat half of what I used to before I'm super full. Tomorrow is another day.

MoonLite

Part 17: A dream of Atlantis

Today was going to be a good day. I woke up early and prepared myself to smash another milestone. One I have been approaching rapidly as my stamina increases. As of today I have clocked up over 100 hours in the pool over a period of about five weeks. It's been a range of things from aqua jogging, jumping, swimming, weights and more recently handstands... but its all been good movement.

My friend who runs the pool decided to help me celebrate this achievement by making me a certificate which I as I am such a child at heart I still love getting something like this. She also did something else amazing, a couple of blog posts again I talked about some swimmers questioning other swimmers about their disabilities inappropriately. In response to me bringing this to her attention the pool manager has put up some fantastic signs, which read "Not all every disability is visible, please respect other patrons" Hopefully these improve things for those that suffer with a hard to notice disability.

I'm honestly pretty stoked for hitting 100 hours, It's been a really eye opening journey so far and I have met many people with interesting stories that could make far better blogs than mine! I think that the thing I am happiest with is the fact that I can start thinking a little more optimistically about the future. Where I was heading before was pretty grim, if I stayed on that path I was just going to get sicker and sicker. I have a chance now and am doing my best to seize it.

When I think about that week I spent in hospital I'm just so grateful for it, in some ways its the best thing that could have happened. I got so used to eating smaller portions that outside of the hospital I am still managing to not overeat and I have been able to resist. I don't know whether the strength I have now is artificial or real but while I am able to do this and it's easy I'm going to keep it up.

I have this idea that I want to do something to celebrate this milestone, but I have no clue what I want to do. Perhaps inspiration will come to me later but for now I am just going to rest and dream of Atlantis.

MoonLite

Part 16: Moon vs The Real World

Today was a productive day. It didn't start off that way. This morning started with an intense amount of pain as I paid the price for being far too enthusiastic with my "Aquajumping" yesterday. I contemplated what chasing one hundred was about... why the milestone of spending so many hours swimming in the pursuit of this mattered so much to me. In the end I drew a blank, it just does... and I'll allow any drive that propells me forward. I waited until my body decided it was time to stop hurting me and I crawled out of bed.

It was here that my willpower began to test me, for I hungered for the worst food possible. My phone was a conduit to summoning such morsels directly to me and forgeting my progress I began to order a massive amount of food... bit I stopped at literally the last possible moment and my stomach and willpower went through four rounds of bare knuckle boxing until I slammed my phone down declaring my willpower the winner.

Alas today I would have to do battle with a most fearsome opponent, a local medicine man who held power over my ailments and rights regarding them. Normally in such a theatre of battle I would prove to be meek and make little progress with the fearsome GP... but I brought along someone who possessed the power of organisational skills and sass. We arrived to do battle equiped with a list and a mission to address as much of it as possible.

We struck, our fifteen minute appointment became a race against the clock as while the doctor attached a blood pressure machine to my arm... we proceeded to strong arm him methodically into attacking each item on the list. We emerged victorious, the doctor only inflicting one superfical wound. He was not optimistic that my condition would improve without "starving myself". I scoffed at this remark and promptly ate him.

Having slain one foe we entered a world of panic as I tackled the panic causing beast called the motorway. Sadly after several crashes I do not exist comfortably in a world of speed and metal so I proceeded to "freak the hell out". Our quest was worthy though as we arrived at our destination with only slight terror and panicked singing of Abba's "Take a chance on me".

Before us held the prize. My holy grail. A glorious store full of clothes that actually fit me properly.. these are as rare as hens teeth. Alas... the price was gold. Each item of clothing clocking in at a pretty penny. I went merely to look today. Knowing that soon the spoils would be mine.

Having fought several battles today I look forward to chilling out on the beach tonight for a dear friends birthday. Tomorrow will have other battles with instinctive appetite, professional gatekeepers and perhaps another heavy dose of panic.

MoonLite

Part 15: Walk the plank.

Trigger Warning. 

A stranger was really honest and open with me today, they had seen me a lot in the pool and obviously was very at ease with me. We talked for some time as we waited for the pool to open and had a good yarn about many things. She then turned the conversation to something that was bothering her, during her recent swims a man had grabbed her inappropriately.

She explained to me that she'd talked to the staff and they'd looked into it but that it seemed like an accident. She let it go... and it happened again but worse and obviously not accidentally. This time she didn't tell anyone, except well I guess me. I don't know why she chose to tell me but I'm glad she did. I said to her that if she ever needs someone to have her back or confront this person that I'd be willing to. I don't really want to confront anyone, I myself like to avoid entanglements these days but if someone needs my support I'm damn well there. She thanked me for that.

I hope that the result of our conversation helped make her feel supported and at least more comfortable while I am there which is a considerable amount. It's nowhere near good enough, I can't fix this situation and that sickens me. Being aware of it helps though. 

In other less distressing news, my speed in the water grows daily. I spent today racing someone swimming and my aqua jumping technique was far quicker. My stamina is increasing as well is my overall mobility. I also went to an all you can eat pancakes breakfast today and ate zero pancakes, there were so many pancakes left over and that was likely my fault! 

It's weird for both the diet and exercise thing to come together well at the same time for me, that's only happened once before in my life so I am going to make the most of it! After five hours of swimming today I can barely move so I'm going to cut this short and try regain some energy. Tomorrow is looking like a rest day but after swimming the last five days in a row I think I need it. 

MoonLite

Part 14: Eatiquette

Can't believe I need to address this but... ah... some people out there are pretty inappropriate. Over the course of being a fat person I am constantly approached by people who I do not know who offer me advice or their opinion on my situation.

I'm not talking about kid's comments, which are almost a given when I emerge from my watery cave. Hearing a kid yesterday say "Bye bye fat man" to me in a cafe yesterday filled me with an amusing joy, the innocent knee jerk reaction to what we see as a child is so natural and innocent. That is just what kids do.

When an adult however approaches another one and proceeds to tell them how to run their life with no actual insight to the factors that make up said life is just too much. I have had the same person approach me five times over as many years to tell me about the wonders of broccoli... I mean... I can read a damn food pyramid. I know what is good for me and I know what is rubbish, it wasn't ignorance that kept me down for so long... it was apathy and nothing in your regurgitated cookbook advice is going to break through to someone in a state of self loathing and despair. The most you might achieve is making me regret going outside today.

I think the worst comments I have had are on my scars, which admittedly are quite great damn scars. I'm not going to hide them from the world and I am dismayed that I live in a world where I have been asked to leave an establishment because of them.

While I am super grateful for advice from people I have actually in my life or people that read this blog the last thing I need is to be reminded abruptly by strangers of what society considers wrong with me. I'm a beautiful narwhal and if you don't like that I'll stab you with my horn! I'm seriously unapologetic about my existence and will defend my place in this universe using my quick wit and gravitational pull.

I guess that the point I want to make is that if you ever feel like its appropriate to offer life advice to a complete stranger... you should consider how this might make the stranger feel.

Sorry for the rant, people have been pretty bad lately.

Moonlite

Part 13: I'm giving her all she's got captain!

Wounds heal slow and I'm stuck moving at half speed, I am keenly feeling that my progress I was making in the field of exercise has been slowed to a bit of a crawl with swimming every second day rather than every day at the moment. I want to splash through the water at my previous speed but there is a large amount of pain that lingers like some kind of unwelcome guest in my body.

There is however an old thought rattling around in my brain that I can only excel at one thing at a time. So while my exercise is stumbling somewhat my approach to food has improved drastically. My portion sizes are better and I find it so much easier to choose good options, I.e low sugar and low carbs. While I am not explicitly cutting anything out in particular I am making some good decisions like not allowing quantities of bread especially to enter my shopping trolley. It's not that bread itself is that bad, it's just the way I consume it is ridiculous. 

The only thing I worry about is the sustainability of healthy eating and the cost. Man, I dunno about you but when did lettuce get so expense? Its basically leaves and there are heaps of those around right? It's clear to me that I need to reengage the green thumb I once had and resurrect a vege garden. If you find a massive amount of soil missing from your backyard I humbly apologize. 

One thing interesting did happen recently, I've had panic attacks for a while and had the misfortune of having one while at the poolside. I was approaching hyperventilation territory when my panic ridden brain decided that I could breath easier in the pool and decided to dive in. Never has such a stupid risk paid off so much before as I instantly felt the calming influence of the water and the weightlessness helped correct my silly brain's assault upon itself. 

The actual weight loss aspect is going well... t-shirts and hoodies grow baggy upon my still very round form as I shed weight slowly. I have noticed the biggest decreases on my chin(s?), there is just less weight everywhere. Apart from the injury I move better too, my muscles are looser from the swimming and everything just feels better. My energy levels and focus are far improved, although my limits are still below what I'd consider the norm. I'm pretty impressed with myself though, this is pretty new for me and I'm enjoying exploring what this world might hold for me, even if I am having to explore it at a limping pace right now.

MoonLite

Part 12: Landlocked Blues

For the last week I have been in hospital waiting slowly for my illness to flee as pondering doctors and diligent nurses pump me full of antibiotics and painkillers. For the last week I have gazed about the ceiling above me and yearned to return to the progress I was making.

It's a bit difficult for me to make good headway, I don't trust myself. I know that sounds strange, what I mean by that is I know how easy it is for me to get demotivated and give up on something good for me when confronted by obstacles. Spending a week in hospital and the pain after getting out was a great big nasty obstacle. It would have been pretty easy for me to say "To heck with this, it's all too hard" and just be done with it if only for one thing.

I'm not doing this in the shadows, I'm being open about all of this. My blog posts help keep me focused and in many ways accountable. I know that if I just abruptly stop working towards my goals people are going to notice... and honestly that is great.

So far the support has been excellent, from people visiting me in hospital, others being amazing swimming buddies or just actions both small and large that have made this an easier transition than it would otherwise have been. I have often struggled with caring about myself but when confronted with the indisputable fact that I am not just cared for but I am loved it makes it easier to want to work on myself.

So today, after far too long out of the pool I managed to go swimming again, it was light stuff and didn't even nearly hit the seven hour record I have hit before but it was a vital first step to getting back into the swing of things. After just over three hours I had to stop due to pain but I'm excited to get back into it after another rest day. I'd also like to give a shout out to my swimming buddy today who made sure I didn't do anything stupid and end up back in hospital!

One positive thing that I found after my stay in hospital is that I lost weight just eating the far smaller portions than I was used to so that's a plus. I also decided that I had to reevaluate my relationship with bread and I figured it out today that "Bread isn't the worst, I just need to see other carbohydrates for a while until I can have a healthy relationship with bread" The birds didn't seem to mind at all as they pecked at the bread I threw to them.

So I'm hoping for many more swims in the near future, each swim bringing me closer to my goals.

MoonLite

Part 11: Well... Fuck.

So this one is going to be a hard one to write, but ah. I said I'd be honest and in some ways its easier doing this through the faceless medium of a blog than individually having the same conversation. I have been in the hospital for a problem with my veins, its a normal problem to me at this point, I've had it for ten years now... this was just the worst flair up I have every seen.

A couple months ago I started feeling really tired. Like could barely move sometimes... I blamed this on the weight and started changing first my diet and then my exercise regime around this (Which overall is regarded as a controversial move). I started to feel a lot better and I was sure that my tiredness now was due to my excessive exercise.

However yesterday my blood tests came back and it made it clear that one of my biggest personal fears was about to come true. I am now considered a Type 2 Diabetic. I am still processing exactly what this means to but it certainly is going to impact my lifestyle immensely.

And you know what? I think its going to be in a good way, I have a chance to reverse it if I act quickly and decisively and as I was already doing well before I got it I don't see any reason why I should let it get in my way. Am I slightly demoralized? Aye, but the support I have is fantastic and I know that I can be better than what I have been doing.

Meanwhile, I am still laying in a hospital room, hooked up to a meds dispenser and inflicting my terrible jokes on anyone who will listen, seems like the last thing anyone would ever hear from me is the sound of my laughing at my own jokes.

Speaking of jokes, like played a good one on me yesterday. The first thing that happened after the doctor informed me that I am a diabetic, the kitchen crew at the hospital brought me a massive slice of chocolate cake with cream. I love life's comedic timing sometimes!

MoonLite

Part 10: Get busy Levin and get busy dying

Over the weekend I participated in a big medieval event up in Levin, I had opted not to fight this year as I was injured pretty badly last year and it impacted on my ability to walk for weeks. I decided that being on such a roll with swimming that it was better to not risk that again. So I basically squired for my club, helped people put or or take off armour and took note on how the other clubs were fighting.

The sun was hidden behind clouds so our noble knights or fearsome vikings only had human enemies this time, rather than the ridiculous heat we have faced other years. Our group fought well and hard and It was a good time. I had a surprise visitor show up too, My nephew's Granny had brought him up to see me without me having any forewarning! It was fantastic to get to introduce the little guy to the medieval world, he wanted to pick up all the weapons and fight anyone he could... in a few years we might make a viking out of him!

The event was cut short however. The reason I have been concentrating on swimming rather than any dryland activities is because it does very little damage to my body and reduces the risk of a flare up of a illness I have had for some time. Unfortunately even squiring was too much for me it seems on this particular day and before I knew it I had begun to feel the telltale pain that the world was going to get very, very uncomfortable.

Cut to, 15 minutes later and I'm wrapped in two blankets to offset the shaking fever talking to a paramedic named Bryan who like me doesn't have the right drugs on hand. Facing down an hour and a half drive home while sitting on a leg that's increased twice in size and having to have the heat in the car cranked up to a normally unbearable temperature just so my teeth don't chatter from the pseudo cold my brain is trying to tell me I'm feeling. Not my ideal day out at the fair.

I'm doing slightly better, the horrid fever has passed and I am now just light headed, dizzy, swollen and sore. I'm really wanting my body to hurry up and heal so I can get back to swimming and continue this journey... but at the moment I can't walk to the end of the driveway without agony so I think I'm going to take the next couple of days off. My resolve is still strong and I'm going to be aquatic again real soon.

It has made me address the fact that I might be too broken for medieval reenactment for a while and that is a hard decision I am going to have to make. I love it and I love the community but I'm feeling like I'm not pulling my weight and there is a considerable amount of that! I'm just disappointed that I am not where I was previously, hopefully swimming helps but that is going to be a long road.

MoonLite

Part 9: Seven

So a couple of weeks ago the lifeguards at the pool started noticing I was spending a really long time swimming. They asked how long I had been swimming for and I was stoked to tell them "five hours". I wasn't expecting them to reply that the record was seven hours at that pool, held by someone who has been absent lately. I reflected that seven hours was a whole lot of time to be moving for, I didn't trust my energy levels to hold up for that long when I was starting out. I'd have to be an absolute madman to try it.

I finally met the holder of the record today when he was pointed out to me by another regular. Now normally I am a pretty great person if I do say so myself... but I found myself on this occasion giving in to a level of competitiveness I didn't realize I possessed. I think I might have been able to hold off from giving in to this bad streak of mine if when the regular swimmer introduced us they hadn't said "Eli's coming after your record"... so naturally the first thing I said was "... I'm going to beat you"

Was it rude? Yes. Was it strange? Yes. Did I mean it? Absolutely. But again I had my energy levels to consider, could I really do it... could I be an absolute madman and do a seven hour swim? Well...

Today is the day that I became a madman. Seven hours down today, I am shattered and useless. My feet hurt like hell and my face is numb. My nostrils hurt from the chlorine. My body is screaming for food. I feel an absolute headache coming on and I have to go out tonight when my body is screaming for sleep.

I feel fantastic. There is a relaxation throughout my body that is strangely too akin to self inflicted exhaustion. I also have this sense of accomplishment, a month or so ago I would have spent less that seven hours active in the entire month so I can only view this as a success. I'm also beginning to not fit some things, some clothes are actually too damn baggy on me now!

I'm going to take it easy for the rest of the week, I can feel that there is some much needed rest I need to get so my swims are going to be much more sensible than today. I will reflect on this progress and figure out a new goal to aim for!!

MoonLite

Part 8: Drylandia

Far off from my nautical home exists a land of pain and discomfort. Its a place where everything hurts more and requires a couple thousand percent more energy for even simple tasks. While it isn't advised many Merfolk are known to crawl out upon Drylandia every now and then to compose blog entries or acquire fresh coffee.

Today I have noticed my Drylandia flexibility has increased, while I'm not quite ninja grade yet I do have a lot of movement I have been lacking. I move more powerfully and with purpose, my stumbling gait now slightly more refined. I am finding my strength returning to me and its becoming really hard to avoid not testing it out by throwing things, flipping tables or otherwise being destructive. There is a playful nature to feeling the power well up once more as my body remembers it's lost potential.

I find myself dancing a lot, not well mind you. Even after doing three or more hours in the pool each day I can feel the energy return to me quicker and as soon as I regain it I want to expend it again. Each time I can do something new I feel this little rush and my brain screams "Awesome!!"

It would be hard not to get addicted to that, I think as I receive a beautiful little burst of enthusiasm as I deliver a kick to head height of my punching bag. I follow up with the a few punches and feel fantastic as my shoulders click like a musical instrument that falls muted as the chain of the punching bag clinks as it gently rocks back and forth.

While my strength improves on Drylandia It fails to compare to the handstands I have been able to do underwater. If you wanna know bliss it's when a 200+ KG dude figures out he can do a handstand and then walk around on his hands. This week has had some awesome moments, some people who have been unaware of my nautical activities have just blurted out those three little words... no not those ones, I mean the "You've lost weight!".

I realized something quite strange, most of my current friends have only known me at my worst. Struggling with depression, over eating and just general Illness. If I truly succeed, If I pull myself out of this rather horrible state I have been in... then these folks are going to see something that they have never seen before.

Part 7: Poseidon Complex

Today was a weird one, it was so full of ups and downs. It started off with such good intentions. Each Saturday I have work, which I normally am exhausted afterwards and return home sluggish to crash. I decided to try change that today and I packed my swimming gear and some fruit to get through the day. The goal was not necessarily to swim but at least be in a place after work where I could make that decision. I deprived myself of that lazy excuse that I would have to return home first.

It worked and I ended up clocking up four hours in the water before the pool shut. The first hour was really nice, my friend who is a support worker was there and his charge was a cool little dude who immediately took to me and enjoyed dunking under the water together. It was pretty awesome to hang out and be a part of that.

Some very rude people tried to insist that my support worker friend swim with his charge in a certain manner to "Better stay out of their way". I normally shrug this sort of thing off and do my best to ignore people and I returned to my swimming until my friend and his charge left. When almost immediately the same sort of thing happened again with two different people trying to kick another kid out of the pool because he "didn't have a disability". When I asked the two adults if they knew that they said that he "didn't look like he had one and they can tell"... I paused, it was a long pause and I responded that "They don't get to make that judgement". I was so angry, I was angry thinking about all the people with invisible disabilities thrown upon the judgement of two horrid entitled swimmers. 

The day got better, but not too quickly. I must admit to angrily doing weights for about an hour and a half afterwards. After a while I ended up running into Josh again who is that much closer to his hopeful freedom and then ended up meeting the "Court of Keto". A bizarre experience where three individually swimming Keto success stories converged to one conversation and informed me more about this intriguing diet. One gentleman had lost upwards of 150 Kgs in one year which was awesomely impressive. I don't think its for me yet but it never hurts to have another arrow in your quiver.

I ended up leaving the pool a bit heavier today rather than lighter. It was a pretty heavy day and I was searching for a more compassionate ocean than the one I had left. I didn't have to look far, my phone ended up being super out of battery and I was a bit stranded. I was a fairly frustrated having expended all of my energy in the water I hadn't saved any for a walk to the damn car park let alone all the way home. A kind dude I had met swimming offered me a lift home and helped end my day with a nice moment, might have even met a new swimming buddy. I'm going to try focus on the positive and press onwards.

MoonLite

Part 6: Crushing it, but like in a good way.

Hit a milestone today, just cracked over 50 hours in the pool since I began this journey merely 18 days ago, that averages out to about 2.8 hours a day doing a mixture of swimming, aqua jogging, jumping or underwater weights. There have been a couple of days off when I've had other exercise booked (Still can't convince my sword fighting group to do a naval battle) or work has intervened with that whole gotta pay the rent thing. My repeated complaints to the landlords that fish have no concept of money does not seem to have released me from this human constraint.

I'm feeling pretty grand about this whole siren's call thing I have got going on, the pool is now a place of familiar faces. Plenty of my non-aquatic friends have jumped ship and become swimming buddies... or rivals? It's fantastic, there is a mix of people who say that they are inspired by me sharing my story or people who have joined to keep me motivated. It's actually really cool to see people benefit from the same kind of thing I am doing, people that have constant pain or old injuries have been working away some of that discomfort alongside me. 

One particular heartwarming story occurred Wednesday when I went swimming with a friend and her son, this was rather low energy in comparison for me so I welcomed it after doing three hours of aqua jogging and weights earlier that day. Her son really wanted to try the flying fox but was very nervous until he saw me waiting in the pool to make sure he safe. Seeing me there was enough to give him the confidence to try it and he did amazingly, in fact showing up some of the older kids who hesitated for literal minutes before giving it a go. While I did feel like a bit of a beached whale in the kids pool it was so awesome to be able to keep up with the little dude and his Mum.

This journey so far has had a rather humorous side effect... so my legs have decreased drastically in size, to the point that they feel very light and unbalanced. Walking used to be a slog of placing one tree trunk like leg in front of the other but now I am a stumbling fool trying to relearn how to not sway all over the place. 

I noticed my stamina had improved a couple of days ago, I'm able to stand for much longer periods of time and have better breath control. I also have been working on my swimming form and have had a lot of success actually relearning how to do things properly. I've been eating less too, partially because I am swimming for hours on end and there is no time for food but also I have been more conscious on saying no to myself. I still have a long way to go on this side of things but I am doing way better than I have in years. 

I can feel some new progress every single day, one new thing that is easier or one old task I can do with less pain. Today however I am damn tired, I could only do 3.5 hours swimming and I was aiming for 5, I'm not concerned though in fact I'm feeling more at peace with myself as I trade my exhaustion for Zen. 

MoonLite

Part 5: Shoot for the Moon

Strangely I still have no idea why I am doing this. It's not something I pondered deeply and with great enthusiasm work up and said, "Moon you gotta sink or swim". I didn't reflect on the sorry state of things and read the writing on the wall. There was no reflection on the fact that I had fallen through rock bottom and broken through to a new layer of extra rock bottom. I was a ground zero lightning rod for yet another degree of pain and that wasn't stopping without me doing something.

I went swimming, it wasn't part of a grand plan of weight loss, it was just a thing I liked to do but hadn't for sometime. Afterwards I realized as I wearily crawled back to the dry land that this was the way, perhaps the only way that I could break through this exhaustion and sickness that was holding me back.

So I went swimming again, I just continued until it became the thing I did, there was no question about it. I just woke up and figured out when and how I was going to swim on that day. I think now that this compulsion is changing as I get more excited, as my addictions that have held me back are being over powered by this strange addiction to exercise.

My mind turns to goals, not because that is natural for me. I seldom set goals myself, as a very pessimistic and cynical person I don't really see myself succeeding at things often, however despite myself I am currently succeeding. So it's time to figure out what to aim for. Instantly my first instinct is to set a KG goal, cause being X weight equals happiness right? To me this kind of mentality is harmful, my progress is not a number. My progress is a lifestyle. One of my friends who is on a similar journey recently talked about the things that become easier as she becomes the healthy self she wants to be and its clear that aiming to pursue the lifestyle you want is far healthier than stressing about numbers on the scales.

So I am going to outline some vague goals and hope I hit at least some of them,

1. I want to be able to ride a bicycle,  reinforced to suit my weight or not. I just remember the amount of freedom I felt being able to bike places in my teens and I want the ability to be able to bike to the pool or along the waterfront in Petone.

2. I want to be able to wear a full shirt of chainmail, for my medieval fighting this is the best and most historic option and literally being too big to be able to support the tent of metal I'd need to wear is a little embarrassing!

3. I want to be able to buy non specialty clothes, its so expensive buying custom clothes or garments from the few outlets available. This would also allow me to be way more stylish.

This is where I am at so far, I think I'll add more goals as I continue, but I am pretty happy to be at a place where I am setting goals at all!

Part 4: Neurotic Aquatic

I think I'd be remiss in understating the effect this progress has been having on my mental health. My twenties have been a long road of depression with a second helping of anxiety. I have been no stranger to panic attacks and have had many sleepless night due to my imagination trying to crumble the sand castle walls I have put up around my psyche. I the waves that wore me down were called time, pain and panic.

Lately I have noticed such a change, I'm living life with a big goofy smile glued to my face and I'd like to call it adorable so I will. I feel good, I am not shying away from the man in the mirror and every step takes me further away from being the old Eli. I don't actually have too much of a problem with who he was, he'd learnt kindness and quiet wisdom over the last couple of years and matured into someone for more comfortable in his own skin... but damn was he tired.

I'd been rather run down with illness, both in the body and the soul. There was like this black wound on me that made everything hard. Peculiarly it was easiest to care for others during this time, I'd seek anyway to distract myself from addressing what needed to be done. I'd distract myself with entertainment, numb myself with food and date outrageous people (I'm only willing to give up two of those things!!).

There has been some lasting damage from my mental health or lack of it. I've missed out on some very fun celebrations or life events due to being so uncomfortable in that world other people seem to drift through seemingly effortlessly, I'd always have to offer a flimsy excuse or risk letting them in on my current state.

People know though, they can often tell when you aren't coping... that is the worst sometimes. I had a friend who every time we'd hang out would ask me if I was going ok and while I appreciated the fact that he cared it reminded me that the state of my sand castle walls needed repair. I wasn't ready to let anyone in, even if he was ready to help me a year and a half before I was ready to help myself.

Life as a self proclaimed Neurotic Aquatic has been much better, I'm so much less lonely, depressed or self destructive. Any hour swimming is an hour spent not drifting backwards to bad habits. Any hour swimming is spent with the conversation of a swimming buddy or the sweet tunes of those bands that fill me with fuel to dance like an idiot underwater.

As I catch my breath while gently floating in the water I have to wonder to myself one single question, "Is what happy feels like?"



MoonLite

Part 3: Sharing the ocean

I met someone early last week when I took my nephew swimming. I was slightly apprehensive when he first approached me, he looked like the kind of dude that would have made my life miserable at high school and despite being in my twenties I still can't escape my fear of being that big little kid again. My snap judgement proved to be wrong, he came up to me to tell me he admired how I was swimming with Kaiden my nephew and looking out for my health.

I saw him again today and got more of his story, I told him about my writing and he asked if I could write about him. He wanted me to talk about him but not reveal his name so we are going to call him Josh. It quickly became clear why he had been so touched to see Kaiden and I playing together in the water.

Josh misses his kids, he only gets to see them once a week as he is in a rehab facility while waiting to see if he is sentenced to prison. He is fighting some nasty withdrawals to some hard stuff and he is fighting hard to make sure he sorts his life out for his kids. Josh is part of a gang, its the life he knows and he loves it. He feels an intense camaraderie with his fellow gang members and is so proud of all the good things the gang accomplishes, he seems to understand that if he is lucky enough to not see anymore jail time that his life is going to have to change and that his kids are going to come first.

I didn't say much in return, what could I say to someone struggling so hard against some tough factors. I just listened to this dude who had compassion for me and a willingness to improve himself and I left the pool today better for it. I just want the best for him, My struggles seemed small in comparison I remember telling him, but he wouldn't have any of that saying that overcoming a food addiction is a really difficult thing and he was proud of me.

I watched Josh leave the pool to go back to the facility he is based at, he didn't leave the pool with a cloud of sadness or misery, he left laughing and in good spirits... because Sunday is the day Josh gets to see his kids.

AquaMoon

SwimTracker: 30 hours of swimming over 2 weeks so far.

Part 2: The Swordfish

Today I woke up in pain. An old injury in my shoulder that never properly healed has stopped by to say hello, my knuckles are bruised from training and my feet feel heavy and leaden after my attempts at swimming yesterday. Today is the day that the efforts of the last weeks catch up to me...

I'm tired, I'd like to rest. I'd like to just have coffee and paint all day and rock out to some music. I want to sit still and let that headache I've had brewing for the last couple of days break like a wave upon a rock. I'd like to rest... but not yet.

I've got a good thing going, yesterday I was able to do both a three hour swim and then training for my Medieval swordfighting group. Even after a swim I had more stamina than I have had in a long time, being able to don a helmet and move swiftly and surely on my feet is absolutely brilliant. I mean I'm no nimble gazelle prancing in a windswept meadow but I am seeing a quick and remarkable improvement.

I am spotting small improvements already, I am wearing clothes I haven't been able to wear for a long time and I am able to fit through doorways easier (Which embarrassingly was a awkward thing for me, but I promised to be honest). I also have a lot more energy into the evening and I'm not having to have an abusive relationship with coffee to function anymore, it is still the nectar of the gods don't get me wrong but I don't need it. My relationship with sleep is improving as well, I am waking up less throughout the night and that is absolutely fantastic.

One thing I have to mention is the amazing people I have been meeting at the pool, there has been so many inspiring people I have met that are on similar or even more harrowing missions than myself. People with intense disabilities that they are striving to overcome. One of the most heartwarming things is seeing how many people have their family and friends there helping them as I myself have had some of you helping me.

I can feel the soreness in my body calling me to stay home right now, but screw that. I'm off for a swim.

AquaMoon

Part 1: That's no Moon, that's an AquaMoon

I think there is a power in declaring my intentions, like the universe might actually aid me in actualizing this damn goal. It's a problem I have had all my life, well at least as far back as I can remember. It's a horribly apparent thing that it seldom needs clarification, that if you know me you have realized it. I am overweight to the point that I should by all reason have my own gravitational pull.

I've spent years drowning myself in depression and allowing myself to be consumed by this darkness as I myself consume... but honestly I just don't want to be that anymore... and I wish I could tell you wear this sudden epiphany has come from, this sudden burst of motivation and clarity that appears to cut through the self curated apathy I've been stuck in for long. I wish I could point to something and say "This" is the reason I'm doing what I'm doing... but I can't.

It's not like the last time I was semi-successful, I was fueled by some extreme anger and self loathing that I just don't have anymore. There's just this zen like clarity that this is what needs to happen. So how is it going to happen one might be inclined to ask... how do I plan to lose the weight?

Well... swimming? That is what I have at the moment. Swimming is low impact and doesn't make me pay too hard for the effort I put in. It's something that my body doesn't afterwards say to me "You're gonna need a couple of days to recover now punk". Its also damn liberating, like being in the water I move like one of the folks whose bodies don't feel all broken.

I have been in the water for eight of the last ten days, some days with swimming buddies and some days with just my music to keep me company. I'm trying to make this a sustainable effort where I can get to the point that I can do more activities on dry-land (Yes I have started talking like a sailor)

So, lets treat this as a statement of intent. This is me saying this is my plan, I'm going to swim until my blue whale body is more killer whale, I'm going to have a heap of fun while doing it... and I'm going to do it in my usual damn style.

AquaMoon