Part 8: The Critic

I think I am going to get to where I need to go, but I need to work on it every day. I don't need to hone every moment into a purpose driven onslaught of weight-loss, self discovery and emotional growth... but I do need to make enough time for it. 

I have recently thrown myself headlong into a whirlpool of hobbies and social things which for a closet recluse like me is an amazing development. I do need to figure out a decent balance with the responsible things in life though. It's all well and good to get caught up in doing cool things but I risk sliding backwards if I do so. So forwards... ever forwards. 

I am going to try and go for longer and longer walks, I want to explore my town and find things I have never seen before. I think armed with an mp3 of screeching music and a little wanderlust I might just have a chance at leveling up... erm I mean becoming the Eli I want to be. 

At the moment I have this ludicrous idea in my head that I am still unworthy of being anyone's friend. It's a brutal calling card left over from the gory days (And I do mean gory) of when my self esteem was attempting to find out what was underneath rock bottom. It's a little hard to talk about this or try to convey it, but imagine if by the light of day you knew yourself to be awesome, like absolutely fantastic, but in the wee hours of the morning you critique yourself like an angry movie goer critiques a movie. My greatest strengths at dawn seem like my greatest weaknesses come nightfall.

I think the problem with having a long memory is that even though other people now seldom say horrible things to me I added their voices to my internal doubt as backing vocals. I am growing a reaction, a knee jerk response to my illogical brooding. When I hear the choir of self doubt inside me whispering that "I can't do this" I am screaming back at the void a chorus of swear words I shall not repeat here. 

I seek the strength to forge a resolute will to keep my on my path and protect me from myself. I am going to banish the demons that use my voice and seek to figure out what makes me tick (It's likely mechanical in nature). Above all else, I am going to be adamant in my unwillingness to apologize for who I am, not to anyone. If you don't like that the door is the hole in the wall, you'll find it easier to fit through than I will ;)

Eli Moon

Part 7: Medicating the Moon

There has been some silence over the last couple of weeks and I must admit not everything has been on track. I have spent a good portion of the last little while either sick or recovering. Right when I think I am able to resume a normal healthy balance again fever strikes and I am knocked out for another week. I'm getting tired of getting knocked down again and again by a body I am trying to fix. Fortunately I might have an easier time of it now.

After eight years of getting Ill normally about once every five weeks I finally have access to pills that I can take as a preventative. Hopefully this means no more interruptions to my progress and no more delirious chanting of "Eli... Eli Moon... I'm a duck" As my flatmates have heard far too often. I was so overpowered that a fourteen minute meeting with a doctor could result in me having hope for the first time in a long time, were anyone at the hospital with me that might try to convince you I was crying after I left the appointment but between me and you dear reader we can never know for sure.

Something weird happened as well, that documentary on bullying that I was in a year and a bit ago aired again a couple of days ago and now I am being recognized in the street (And buses) once more. I awkwardly forgot it was on again and neglected to tell anyone.

Right, where were we? Oh yes, I was thinking to my self on the walk home from the gym today that I am now skinnier than I have been in the last year and a bit. That is a pretty awesome, the realization that I have begun to undo some of the damage I have done to myself and that I am now beating last year's me. Oh and I am still skinnier than I was before I got sick. I lost another half a KG which I am super relieved about as I was scared I might have put some back on.

This morning I woke up and I had the desire for all of the food in the world, fried, and then covered in chocolate. There was only one logical thing to do, I went and emptied my bank account on healthy food and now I literally cannot afford to buy anything. Let us play a little game of find the cheesecake, the first person to spot it gets a prize.

Eli Moon

Part 6: The Harrowing Consequences of Abnormality

Many times in my life I have had to deal with the choices I did and didn't take. Throughout my life it has been normally a weighing act of morality common sense and willpower. I would prefer to be dishonest here but that isn't really the point of all this now is it. I am deeply ashamed to admit the things that I have been held back by my weight, that I have let the crushing addiction infect every sector of my life and dull my resolution to accomplish something.

For so long I would refuse to visit people, the safety of my bubble that I had created allowed a perfect security so long as I didn't stray outside a carefully designed comfort zone. I couldn't easily admit to people that the reason I didn't want to do something was because of my weight so I made the flimsiest excuse and after a while people stopped asking. I set up an unhealthy dynamic with the real world and sought to control only a small slice of it. Unfortunately that was the only thing I was having a small slice of at the time!

I guess however of all the things I am most ashamed about is my how when the world conspired to make me furious, when it sought to make me a giant ball of boundless rage and sent me on a collision course directed at someone in particular... I relented. It's one thing to step down from a fight, in my mind it is the most admirable thing as despite my interest in warfare I am at my core a pacifist. My issue is from the words that echoed around my head, "Eli in the state you are in you can't even take vengeance properly". Not standing up for myself stemmed from my self esteem, my poor health rather than a calmly considered moral decision. 

This more than the weight itself weighs on me. How many decisions I have had made for me rather than been able to make myself, how many years I have wasted having my body dictate how to feel about something. I am now of the opinion that more than anything I need to lose the weight, so my decisions are mine and mine alone. 

This last week wasn't the best week for weight loss, I still made progress but not as much as normal so I am attempting to redouble my efforts and use any source I can to fuel my progress. I read somewhere that more cultures praise the sunrise rather than the sunset, that has always made a lot of sense to me. I'm going to be the most beautiful damn moonrise you ever saw.  

Eli Moon

Part 5: Tonight's the kinda night.

Tonight I am exhausted. I'm bleeding from sword hilts and can feel the oncoming bruises that will appear tomorrow morning. Tonight I have feet that feel like lead and a strong desire to never have to go outside ever again. Tonight I feel awesome.

There is nothing quite like pushing yourself and figuring you can do something that you couldn't a week before. Today I noticed how much easier I could move and my feet actually obeyed my commands. Yesterday after 40 minutes at the gym I realized that would have killed me a month before now barely affected me.

I think it's time to kick it up a notch and intensify things. I'm not super concerned about the numbers although I lost another kg last week which takes it to 8 all up, I'm told that half of a kg to one kg is a good sustainable number. What I am really impressed with is the fact that I am able to fit into some of my nicer clothes. I think this is an important step to feeling good again.

Last week I went to a party, This sort of thing doesn't normally appeal to me. Parties that I do not host normally have me feeling like some kind of awkward ugly duckling. I however showed up and made people laugh, I was my best possible self. I was rude, humorous and I found myself falling into a persona I haven't adopted in a very long time... confident Eli.

It's nice to feel like I have the ability to go places and socialize with people in their natural (and frightening!) habitats. Although people keep mentioning to me as I lose weight that they think they have found it, I don't think they are very impressed when I then mention I aim to lose fifty kgs in a year.

I think I want to find another active hobby, with it getting colder I know I am going to need to replace swimming with in a couple of months. I am actually leaning towards dancing but haven't yet located a style/studio that works for me. I'm not looking forward to being a novice in a hobby again but it is time to become super graceful ninja Eli.

Eli Moon

Part 4: Impacting Infinity.

So another day another dollar, wait... wrong units of measurement. Another week, another Kg down. I like this news, personally I was quite worried that I would have stayed at the same weight this week due to a couple of lapses in diet. I think what carried the progress was a fair amount of exercise coupled with actually drinking that transparent fluid that comes out of the metal thing in the kitchen.

I had an idea of rewarding myself as I make progress in ten kg installments, not with food sadly but with something fun. That way as I progress to my overall goal of losing fifty Kgs (And my secret goal of losing it all so I can slide under doorways) I have small rewards to look forward to. At the moment I have 52 weeks to lose 50 Kgs and I'm 4 weeks in and have lost 7, so it certainly seems doable (With a couple of weeks to stuff around maybe!).

One thing I have found is the effect on my body as I try and increase the amount of exercise. My ankle has been tender for the last week and my shoulder keeps making a nasty sound when I rotate it. I believe the swimming has helped with both of them but It's only going to get more intense before it gets less intense.

I ran yesterday. I was thinking of how to write that statement as less of childish exclamation but actually screw it, I'm pretty excited about that. I did it where no one could see and of course I wasn't able to keep it up for very long but I damn well did it. Next up I am going to attempt to fly. I joke but actually doing something that is normally outside of your ability makes you feel a bit heroic. I have had a few moments recently of feeling powerful and they are always welcome.

I also found out that the anxiety feeling I have when I think about space or other vast things and the panic attacks often triggered by that is called Apeirophobia and is about a fear of Infinity. It often affects people with low self esteem, so maybe as I lose weight and become the Eli I want to be I'll have a better chance of combating it.

Eli Moon

Part 3: Detox Week and progress

I recently escaped to the little town of Carterton to spend most of the week with my Grandparents. This was an attempt to start eating healthier portion sizes and to make sure I was away from temptation. All in all I consider the venture a success, I didn't smuggle junk food to Carterton, nor did I purchase or consume anything I wasn't directed to. For the first couple of days of my holiday I had one recurring thought, Damn... I'm hungry.

It wasn't that I hadn't had food, I had plenty of food. It was more that my addiction wasn't being met in the same way I'm used to, I wasn't getting enough sugar or enough carbs or so on. I didn't feel that bad, it wasn't like I'd kill for a pie or anything... however my eyes did lovingly linger over a can of Doctor Pepper at one point (Vile stuff anyway, tastes like fizzy toothpaste!).

After a most of the week in Carterton and immediately fell ill, leaving me with the prospect of missing out on an awesome event I was keen to go to or going and being delirious. So I went and managed to enjoy myself anyway. Being ill meant that exercise wasn't going to happen (At least not in any major fashion) so I have been dreading "weigh day" this week (It's like the evil version of pay day).

Heading to the gym this morning I walked past a group of school kids about 5 or 6. One of them said to the teacher with them, "Wow that man has a big fat tummy". I laughed my head off but was further discouraged about what the scales might read when I got to the gym. Imagine my surprise when the scales informed me that I had lost another 3 kgs. I declared at that point that I like this particular set of scales.

Something else weird happened a couple of weeks ago. I was walking through a carpark when someone yelled out to me from a parked car. I didn't hear what was yelled and didn't see who it was so my first reaction as it has always been from high school is to tense up, scowl and make myself ready to endure. Embarrassingly I realized it was two of my friends that I had been with earlier that day and went over to say hi. They had noticed my reaction and said "What the hell was that?", Sheepishly I had to explain the reality of being in public and looking different. Normally attention in public places is the last thing I want.

I think that will be a nice thing to change as I lose weight, I hope at least that I will feel more comfortable in public places. I guess it will be good to find out!

Eli Moon

Part 2: Small victories

If you love something so much it makes you hate yourself it might be time to change. My relationship with food is terrible, I just want to eat everything. At a restaurant I'd order the whole menu if I could (Except seafood, that's gross!).  I also like free things, by Odin's beard do I like free things... so when someone offers me free food it is really hard to decline.

That's why this week I am super glad I have been able to at least not partake in one of my most consistent weaknesses the dreaded fizzy drink. While I am sure I will feel the sirens call of that sweet nectar I am glad so far to have kept away from it. At regular intervals this week I have even managed to drink that vile liquid that fish swim in, I hear this is good for you or something.

When it comes to the more physical aspects of being healthy, I have managed to do the dreaded exercise in a variety of painful, embarrassing and strangely entertaining ways. I have been swimming, gyming and swinging swords like the crazed person that I am. I still need to kick this up another notch though and am keen on any swimming company or people who want to compete at the gym with me.

Today I weighed myself after enacting some small changes over the last week and was very surprised to find out that I had lost three kgs. That's the first weight loss recorded in a long time so I am pretty happy. I mentioned it to one of the trainers at the gym and they took a photo of me to post on the gyms page. It was a weird experience, I had a very rare sense of pride in myself that I struggled to hold onto as my normal negativity reminded me that I still wasn't able to fly.

This next week is hopefully going to consist on a nerdtastic weekend followed by a retreat to my grandparents to master the art of eating like a normal person. With any luck I'll come back with some good habits and a clear mindset to continue my progress.

Eli Moon

Part 1: A new beginning.

Ok. Yup, I'm going to start this with ok. I have to overcome this unnatural aversion to telling the truth once more and begin to be a better Eli once more. I say I have to but really I have a choice, it's a simple one. I can sort my life out or I can die young (and not even leave a handsome corpse).

Reluctant as I am to start this again knowing that last time I failed I do know I have to. Lacking as I am in the crucial driving rage and pain that helped fuel my previous efforts I am interested to see what sort of motivation a non-emotional Eli can produce. Here I am, a little healed, a little older and a little wiser (Read: Wider).

Today I have the super fun task of weighing myself, first time in a long time as I see the mechanical scales do their little multiplication, addition and the struggle for it to carry the one, or more accurately the two. I am nervous to read the number/s. It's like a big numerical explanation for why stairs have become difficult and why I sleep so poorly.

I think a really good thing to get into is why I stopped dieting and looking after myself properly. As flimsy as excuses go and I know this isn't a good one but someone made me feel so bad and just all round (Haha... round) pointless that I treated myself as such. I punish myself with food, It's a stupid and very damaging thing to do but I have always done so as long as I can remember. I know I am unable to vow that I will not allow myself to be influenced by how others make me feel but I can vow that I will endeavour to protect myself from horrible lobster handed people (As we shall now refer to all mean people as).

I'm going to stop stepping my not so dainty feet down memory lane and focus on the now. How am I going to achieve my goals of weight loss (And world domination)? Long story short... I don't have that figured out yet. I have some active hobbies, I still do medieval reenactment, swimming and go to the gym (Admittedly less than I should). I have also recently started doing karate with a good friend. So exercise is more or less in pretty good shape for some minor adjustments. It's the food aspect that I have to work on, oh and water.

I recently gave up bread, I still have it as a treat but tend not to buy it, It's been four months since a loaf of bread or bag of rolls made it into my shopping trolley. I am a sucker for those evil fizzy drinks but still far less than I used to be. I think all in all it is going to be about relearning portion control and thinking before eating. This is going to be hard.

Eli Moon