Part 15: Walk the plank.

Trigger Warning. 

A stranger was really honest and open with me today, they had seen me a lot in the pool and obviously was very at ease with me. We talked for some time as we waited for the pool to open and had a good yarn about many things. She then turned the conversation to something that was bothering her, during her recent swims a man had grabbed her inappropriately.

She explained to me that she'd talked to the staff and they'd looked into it but that it seemed like an accident. She let it go... and it happened again but worse and obviously not accidentally. This time she didn't tell anyone, except well I guess me. I don't know why she chose to tell me but I'm glad she did. I said to her that if she ever needs someone to have her back or confront this person that I'd be willing to. I don't really want to confront anyone, I myself like to avoid entanglements these days but if someone needs my support I'm damn well there. She thanked me for that.

I hope that the result of our conversation helped make her feel supported and at least more comfortable while I am there which is a considerable amount. It's nowhere near good enough, I can't fix this situation and that sickens me. Being aware of it helps though. 

In other less distressing news, my speed in the water grows daily. I spent today racing someone swimming and my aqua jumping technique was far quicker. My stamina is increasing as well is my overall mobility. I also went to an all you can eat pancakes breakfast today and ate zero pancakes, there were so many pancakes left over and that was likely my fault! 

It's weird for both the diet and exercise thing to come together well at the same time for me, that's only happened once before in my life so I am going to make the most of it! After five hours of swimming today I can barely move so I'm going to cut this short and try regain some energy. Tomorrow is looking like a rest day but after swimming the last five days in a row I think I need it. 

MoonLite

Part 14: Eatiquette

Can't believe I need to address this but... ah... some people out there are pretty inappropriate. Over the course of being a fat person I am constantly approached by people who I do not know who offer me advice or their opinion on my situation.

I'm not talking about kid's comments, which are almost a given when I emerge from my watery cave. Hearing a kid yesterday say "Bye bye fat man" to me in a cafe yesterday filled me with an amusing joy, the innocent knee jerk reaction to what we see as a child is so natural and innocent. That is just what kids do.

When an adult however approaches another one and proceeds to tell them how to run their life with no actual insight to the factors that make up said life is just too much. I have had the same person approach me five times over as many years to tell me about the wonders of broccoli... I mean... I can read a damn food pyramid. I know what is good for me and I know what is rubbish, it wasn't ignorance that kept me down for so long... it was apathy and nothing in your regurgitated cookbook advice is going to break through to someone in a state of self loathing and despair. The most you might achieve is making me regret going outside today.

I think the worst comments I have had are on my scars, which admittedly are quite great damn scars. I'm not going to hide them from the world and I am dismayed that I live in a world where I have been asked to leave an establishment because of them.

While I am super grateful for advice from people I have actually in my life or people that read this blog the last thing I need is to be reminded abruptly by strangers of what society considers wrong with me. I'm a beautiful narwhal and if you don't like that I'll stab you with my horn! I'm seriously unapologetic about my existence and will defend my place in this universe using my quick wit and gravitational pull.

I guess that the point I want to make is that if you ever feel like its appropriate to offer life advice to a complete stranger... you should consider how this might make the stranger feel.

Sorry for the rant, people have been pretty bad lately.

Moonlite

Part 13: I'm giving her all she's got captain!

Wounds heal slow and I'm stuck moving at half speed, I am keenly feeling that my progress I was making in the field of exercise has been slowed to a bit of a crawl with swimming every second day rather than every day at the moment. I want to splash through the water at my previous speed but there is a large amount of pain that lingers like some kind of unwelcome guest in my body.

There is however an old thought rattling around in my brain that I can only excel at one thing at a time. So while my exercise is stumbling somewhat my approach to food has improved drastically. My portion sizes are better and I find it so much easier to choose good options, I.e low sugar and low carbs. While I am not explicitly cutting anything out in particular I am making some good decisions like not allowing quantities of bread especially to enter my shopping trolley. It's not that bread itself is that bad, it's just the way I consume it is ridiculous. 

The only thing I worry about is the sustainability of healthy eating and the cost. Man, I dunno about you but when did lettuce get so expense? Its basically leaves and there are heaps of those around right? It's clear to me that I need to reengage the green thumb I once had and resurrect a vege garden. If you find a massive amount of soil missing from your backyard I humbly apologize. 

One thing interesting did happen recently, I've had panic attacks for a while and had the misfortune of having one while at the poolside. I was approaching hyperventilation territory when my panic ridden brain decided that I could breath easier in the pool and decided to dive in. Never has such a stupid risk paid off so much before as I instantly felt the calming influence of the water and the weightlessness helped correct my silly brain's assault upon itself. 

The actual weight loss aspect is going well... t-shirts and hoodies grow baggy upon my still very round form as I shed weight slowly. I have noticed the biggest decreases on my chin(s?), there is just less weight everywhere. Apart from the injury I move better too, my muscles are looser from the swimming and everything just feels better. My energy levels and focus are far improved, although my limits are still below what I'd consider the norm. I'm pretty impressed with myself though, this is pretty new for me and I'm enjoying exploring what this world might hold for me, even if I am having to explore it at a limping pace right now.

MoonLite

Part 12: Landlocked Blues

For the last week I have been in hospital waiting slowly for my illness to flee as pondering doctors and diligent nurses pump me full of antibiotics and painkillers. For the last week I have gazed about the ceiling above me and yearned to return to the progress I was making.

It's a bit difficult for me to make good headway, I don't trust myself. I know that sounds strange, what I mean by that is I know how easy it is for me to get demotivated and give up on something good for me when confronted by obstacles. Spending a week in hospital and the pain after getting out was a great big nasty obstacle. It would have been pretty easy for me to say "To heck with this, it's all too hard" and just be done with it if only for one thing.

I'm not doing this in the shadows, I'm being open about all of this. My blog posts help keep me focused and in many ways accountable. I know that if I just abruptly stop working towards my goals people are going to notice... and honestly that is great.

So far the support has been excellent, from people visiting me in hospital, others being amazing swimming buddies or just actions both small and large that have made this an easier transition than it would otherwise have been. I have often struggled with caring about myself but when confronted with the indisputable fact that I am not just cared for but I am loved it makes it easier to want to work on myself.

So today, after far too long out of the pool I managed to go swimming again, it was light stuff and didn't even nearly hit the seven hour record I have hit before but it was a vital first step to getting back into the swing of things. After just over three hours I had to stop due to pain but I'm excited to get back into it after another rest day. I'd also like to give a shout out to my swimming buddy today who made sure I didn't do anything stupid and end up back in hospital!

One positive thing that I found after my stay in hospital is that I lost weight just eating the far smaller portions than I was used to so that's a plus. I also decided that I had to reevaluate my relationship with bread and I figured it out today that "Bread isn't the worst, I just need to see other carbohydrates for a while until I can have a healthy relationship with bread" The birds didn't seem to mind at all as they pecked at the bread I threw to them.

So I'm hoping for many more swims in the near future, each swim bringing me closer to my goals.

MoonLite

Part 11: Well... Fuck.

So this one is going to be a hard one to write, but ah. I said I'd be honest and in some ways its easier doing this through the faceless medium of a blog than individually having the same conversation. I have been in the hospital for a problem with my veins, its a normal problem to me at this point, I've had it for ten years now... this was just the worst flair up I have every seen.

A couple months ago I started feeling really tired. Like could barely move sometimes... I blamed this on the weight and started changing first my diet and then my exercise regime around this (Which overall is regarded as a controversial move). I started to feel a lot better and I was sure that my tiredness now was due to my excessive exercise.

However yesterday my blood tests came back and it made it clear that one of my biggest personal fears was about to come true. I am now considered a Type 2 Diabetic. I am still processing exactly what this means to but it certainly is going to impact my lifestyle immensely.

And you know what? I think its going to be in a good way, I have a chance to reverse it if I act quickly and decisively and as I was already doing well before I got it I don't see any reason why I should let it get in my way. Am I slightly demoralized? Aye, but the support I have is fantastic and I know that I can be better than what I have been doing.

Meanwhile, I am still laying in a hospital room, hooked up to a meds dispenser and inflicting my terrible jokes on anyone who will listen, seems like the last thing anyone would ever hear from me is the sound of my laughing at my own jokes.

Speaking of jokes, like played a good one on me yesterday. The first thing that happened after the doctor informed me that I am a diabetic, the kitchen crew at the hospital brought me a massive slice of chocolate cake with cream. I love life's comedic timing sometimes!

MoonLite

Part 10: Get busy Levin and get busy dying

Over the weekend I participated in a big medieval event up in Levin, I had opted not to fight this year as I was injured pretty badly last year and it impacted on my ability to walk for weeks. I decided that being on such a roll with swimming that it was better to not risk that again. So I basically squired for my club, helped people put or or take off armour and took note on how the other clubs were fighting.

The sun was hidden behind clouds so our noble knights or fearsome vikings only had human enemies this time, rather than the ridiculous heat we have faced other years. Our group fought well and hard and It was a good time. I had a surprise visitor show up too, My nephew's Granny had brought him up to see me without me having any forewarning! It was fantastic to get to introduce the little guy to the medieval world, he wanted to pick up all the weapons and fight anyone he could... in a few years we might make a viking out of him!

The event was cut short however. The reason I have been concentrating on swimming rather than any dryland activities is because it does very little damage to my body and reduces the risk of a flare up of a illness I have had for some time. Unfortunately even squiring was too much for me it seems on this particular day and before I knew it I had begun to feel the telltale pain that the world was going to get very, very uncomfortable.

Cut to, 15 minutes later and I'm wrapped in two blankets to offset the shaking fever talking to a paramedic named Bryan who like me doesn't have the right drugs on hand. Facing down an hour and a half drive home while sitting on a leg that's increased twice in size and having to have the heat in the car cranked up to a normally unbearable temperature just so my teeth don't chatter from the pseudo cold my brain is trying to tell me I'm feeling. Not my ideal day out at the fair.

I'm doing slightly better, the horrid fever has passed and I am now just light headed, dizzy, swollen and sore. I'm really wanting my body to hurry up and heal so I can get back to swimming and continue this journey... but at the moment I can't walk to the end of the driveway without agony so I think I'm going to take the next couple of days off. My resolve is still strong and I'm going to be aquatic again real soon.

It has made me address the fact that I might be too broken for medieval reenactment for a while and that is a hard decision I am going to have to make. I love it and I love the community but I'm feeling like I'm not pulling my weight and there is a considerable amount of that! I'm just disappointed that I am not where I was previously, hopefully swimming helps but that is going to be a long road.

MoonLite

Part 9: Seven

So a couple of weeks ago the lifeguards at the pool started noticing I was spending a really long time swimming. They asked how long I had been swimming for and I was stoked to tell them "five hours". I wasn't expecting them to reply that the record was seven hours at that pool, held by someone who has been absent lately. I reflected that seven hours was a whole lot of time to be moving for, I didn't trust my energy levels to hold up for that long when I was starting out. I'd have to be an absolute madman to try it.

I finally met the holder of the record today when he was pointed out to me by another regular. Now normally I am a pretty great person if I do say so myself... but I found myself on this occasion giving in to a level of competitiveness I didn't realize I possessed. I think I might have been able to hold off from giving in to this bad streak of mine if when the regular swimmer introduced us they hadn't said "Eli's coming after your record"... so naturally the first thing I said was "... I'm going to beat you"

Was it rude? Yes. Was it strange? Yes. Did I mean it? Absolutely. But again I had my energy levels to consider, could I really do it... could I be an absolute madman and do a seven hour swim? Well...

Today is the day that I became a madman. Seven hours down today, I am shattered and useless. My feet hurt like hell and my face is numb. My nostrils hurt from the chlorine. My body is screaming for food. I feel an absolute headache coming on and I have to go out tonight when my body is screaming for sleep.

I feel fantastic. There is a relaxation throughout my body that is strangely too akin to self inflicted exhaustion. I also have this sense of accomplishment, a month or so ago I would have spent less that seven hours active in the entire month so I can only view this as a success. I'm also beginning to not fit some things, some clothes are actually too damn baggy on me now!

I'm going to take it easy for the rest of the week, I can feel that there is some much needed rest I need to get so my swims are going to be much more sensible than today. I will reflect on this progress and figure out a new goal to aim for!!

MoonLite

Part 8: Drylandia

Far off from my nautical home exists a land of pain and discomfort. Its a place where everything hurts more and requires a couple thousand percent more energy for even simple tasks. While it isn't advised many Merfolk are known to crawl out upon Drylandia every now and then to compose blog entries or acquire fresh coffee.

Today I have noticed my Drylandia flexibility has increased, while I'm not quite ninja grade yet I do have a lot of movement I have been lacking. I move more powerfully and with purpose, my stumbling gait now slightly more refined. I am finding my strength returning to me and its becoming really hard to avoid not testing it out by throwing things, flipping tables or otherwise being destructive. There is a playful nature to feeling the power well up once more as my body remembers it's lost potential.

I find myself dancing a lot, not well mind you. Even after doing three or more hours in the pool each day I can feel the energy return to me quicker and as soon as I regain it I want to expend it again. Each time I can do something new I feel this little rush and my brain screams "Awesome!!"

It would be hard not to get addicted to that, I think as I receive a beautiful little burst of enthusiasm as I deliver a kick to head height of my punching bag. I follow up with the a few punches and feel fantastic as my shoulders click like a musical instrument that falls muted as the chain of the punching bag clinks as it gently rocks back and forth.

While my strength improves on Drylandia It fails to compare to the handstands I have been able to do underwater. If you wanna know bliss it's when a 200+ KG dude figures out he can do a handstand and then walk around on his hands. This week has had some awesome moments, some people who have been unaware of my nautical activities have just blurted out those three little words... no not those ones, I mean the "You've lost weight!".

I realized something quite strange, most of my current friends have only known me at my worst. Struggling with depression, over eating and just general Illness. If I truly succeed, If I pull myself out of this rather horrible state I have been in... then these folks are going to see something that they have never seen before.

Part 7: Poseidon Complex

Today was a weird one, it was so full of ups and downs. It started off with such good intentions. Each Saturday I have work, which I normally am exhausted afterwards and return home sluggish to crash. I decided to try change that today and I packed my swimming gear and some fruit to get through the day. The goal was not necessarily to swim but at least be in a place after work where I could make that decision. I deprived myself of that lazy excuse that I would have to return home first.

It worked and I ended up clocking up four hours in the water before the pool shut. The first hour was really nice, my friend who is a support worker was there and his charge was a cool little dude who immediately took to me and enjoyed dunking under the water together. It was pretty awesome to hang out and be a part of that.

Some very rude people tried to insist that my support worker friend swim with his charge in a certain manner to "Better stay out of their way". I normally shrug this sort of thing off and do my best to ignore people and I returned to my swimming until my friend and his charge left. When almost immediately the same sort of thing happened again with two different people trying to kick another kid out of the pool because he "didn't have a disability". When I asked the two adults if they knew that they said that he "didn't look like he had one and they can tell"... I paused, it was a long pause and I responded that "They don't get to make that judgement". I was so angry, I was angry thinking about all the people with invisible disabilities thrown upon the judgement of two horrid entitled swimmers. 

The day got better, but not too quickly. I must admit to angrily doing weights for about an hour and a half afterwards. After a while I ended up running into Josh again who is that much closer to his hopeful freedom and then ended up meeting the "Court of Keto". A bizarre experience where three individually swimming Keto success stories converged to one conversation and informed me more about this intriguing diet. One gentleman had lost upwards of 150 Kgs in one year which was awesomely impressive. I don't think its for me yet but it never hurts to have another arrow in your quiver.

I ended up leaving the pool a bit heavier today rather than lighter. It was a pretty heavy day and I was searching for a more compassionate ocean than the one I had left. I didn't have to look far, my phone ended up being super out of battery and I was a bit stranded. I was a fairly frustrated having expended all of my energy in the water I hadn't saved any for a walk to the damn car park let alone all the way home. A kind dude I had met swimming offered me a lift home and helped end my day with a nice moment, might have even met a new swimming buddy. I'm going to try focus on the positive and press onwards.

MoonLite