Part 24:Sanity and other myths.

Sanity and other myths.

I feel blessed for even a week that isn’t marred by a setback, so glad am I that I am no longer stuck, no longer swollen… no longer relying on the pity of others to accomplish the most basic of existence. I know I can’t allow my bad weeks continue… I need to get back on top of things and restore the balance order to my life. I need to vanquish my addiction and calm my thoughts. I need to steel myself to again give up the little things I have let back slip into my life and diet.

Its small things that help, I got a really supportive message from my fitness trainer moments before I went grocery shopping; I came home with bags laden with fruit and veges rather than junk. It’s feeling good after putting on my new suit or walking until my feet hurt. I need to fill my life with little moments like these, rather than the guilt and despair of eating and cheating.

Recently I have begun to be honest with people where my weight, feelings and history is concerned this was an amazing step to begin living out of the shadows and so far I haven’t been burnt for my honesty. This foray into living so far has been successful but its time to kick it into overdrive, I know it and my body knows it. I’m so bloody ready to jump out of this body and into the healthy one waiting for me down the line…

The most surprising thing is how long my resolve has lasted; I think putting this out there has given me a real fear of failing… I don’t want to let you down, that’s important it means every setback is a little one and not a diet destroying catastrophe. I don’t think I’m going to stop I am going to keep trying until either I win… or it does.

I’m not going to pretend I have my life sorted, I’m so far from where I wanted to be that it haunts me, I was talking to a couple of people a little while ago who were referring to some people in similar situations to me as losers. I asked if I was a loser in their eyes, they said “You aren’t a loser by choice that’s where you differ”. Fuck. I really don’t want to be a loser at all. I don’t care if I didn’t have a choice in it at the start I do now. I’m not five years old anymore and its time to start digging out of this hole I have dug for myself. I’m not going to be a loser for one more second. I’m sick of it. Maybe I didn’t ask to be this way but I did too little about it, so from now on one foot in front of the other until they hurt.

I feel like I have been through a blender. I have been sick and kicked around recently, I have dabbled in crazy and come through the storm. I have found out how far I can bend before I break and for a while there I was broken but I’m fighting to rebuild myself. I’m going to figure out how to love myself. This phase in my life could be the end… but I’m trying really hard to make it the beginning.

Eli Nelson

Part 23:The great neg conundrum! ...and other stories.

The most bizarre thing happened today, I had just gotten off the bus and had run into a school friend who I hadn't seen in a gazillion years. Pretty standard stuff. A guy in his forties or fifties approached us and interrupted our conversation to say I was looking flash (and I was with my suit, bright green tie and sunglasses), I replied thank you, he then said he thought I would look better if I lost some weight... I pleasantly told him I had lost twenty Kgs, he was impressed and said that he was sorry to say that he thought I would look better if I lost some weight. I introduced myself, shook his hand, he told me I was a nice guy and then he departed.

How would you respond to that? I was positive and polite, should I have been more confrontational? Was that a nice thing or hugely rude? It was maybe a bit embarrassing that it happened in front of someone I didn't know very well and was quite awkward for her. Personally though... I'm used to it, but should I be?

Would you approach someone on the street and tell them they look pretty, but they should cut their hair? I don't think you would. People don't normally entitled to comment on strangers physical appearance and you know what... they damn well shouldn't. Its not ok. I seem to have the strangest encounters with strangers. Oh well.

In other news, true to my word after admitting I need mental help to combat my addiction I have approached two places to help figure out why I have got to this place in my life, once I understand that I think I will be able to feel confident that if I lose the weight I can keep it off too. I also hope I can get a bit of guidance to steer me back on a path I recognize because I am feeling a little lost lately.

I have been sick for the last couple of days with a fever and swollen leg, being delirious is not fun. I have experienced these symptoms recurring since I was eighteen and I felt them coming on as I walked to the gym to see my trainer. It would have been really easy to turn around and go home to toss the towel in and call quits but I went to the gym and did it. I was impressed with myself. Its amazing when you realise you can still surprise yourself. After the gym I spent the next day shivering and shaking from the fever. Worth it. Theres is this little part of me that is resilient and wants to be happy and healthy... I'm putting my money on him.

Eli Nelson

Part 22:The question I want answered.

I was once a person, until I was visited by a hunger that doesn’t cease. One day I found myself destroyed, I had hit the concrete floor of rock bottom... someone really close to me looked at me and said to others “there is nothing that can be done… Eli can’t be helped”. He meant it, he had given up on me and why shouldn’t he have, I had given up on myself. I was 99% helpless. But upon hearing the fact I was a write off that tiny 1% rebelled. I started this in pain, burning with hatred for myself and unsure of my conviction. I’m still here, I’m not broken and I will not die in this fat suit.

Dismissal helped me acknowledge the problem and help me put one foot in front of the other,  the very act of being able to move even though I was in pain helped me realise I wasn’t defeated I had just been lost for a very long time. I am trying to find my way now, I eat quite a bit better and get out and move way more but there is one part of this dynamic I haven’t started fighting yet.

I don’t know why I eat. I’m not hungry when I do it, nor am I overly emotional, I don’t know if I am “eating my feelings” or whether I do it out a habit. One thing for sure is that it is an addiction, maybe not a chemical one like smokes or drugs but I feel it all the same. When I started this I went through terrible withdrawals, I was lucky I spent ten full days in the beautiful middle of nowhere. It needs to be acknowledged though; I have no idea why I have been destroying myself.

I feel unless I find out why I do the things I do that my progress will be for naught, Oh and there is progress :P I ran for the first time in a long time today, actual running… down a main street. Such progress though will always be like giving mouth to mouth to a bullet wound if I don’t find out why I eat, its too easy to backslide into old habits.

So I guess I’m saying here is… I need help… professional help. I feel no shame in admitting that something has gone wrong, little boys are supposed to climb the mountain… not eat it. I think admitting this in writing to all of you will give me the strength to act on the aspect of weight loss I have yet to combat. “Once more into the breach dear friends.”

Eli Nelson

PS: a bit on the progress, I have just started at the gym with a fitness coach, she may be reading this… My arms ache from our first session, I’m going to get fit… or shes going to kill me trying. J I went for a walk and a run today and feel better for it. I walk differently and feel stronger. I hurt my foot and I could only hobble around not putting any weight on it for over a week but fortunately I didn’t put any weight back on! S