Sanity and other myths.
I feel blessed for even a week that isn’t marred by a
setback, so glad am I that I am no longer stuck, no longer swollen… no longer
relying on the pity of others to accomplish the most basic of existence. I know
I can’t allow my bad weeks continue… I need to get back on top of things and
restore the balance order to my life. I need to vanquish my addiction and calm
my thoughts. I need to steel myself to again give up the little things I have
let back slip into my life and diet.
Its small things that help, I got a really supportive
message from my fitness trainer moments before I went grocery shopping; I came
home with bags laden with fruit and veges rather than junk. It’s feeling good
after putting on my new suit or walking until my feet hurt. I need to fill my
life with little moments like these, rather than the guilt and despair of eating
and cheating.
Recently I have begun to be honest with people where my
weight, feelings and history is concerned this was an amazing step to begin
living out of the shadows and so far I haven’t been burnt for my honesty. This
foray into living so far has been successful but its time to kick it into overdrive,
I know it and my body knows it. I’m so bloody ready to jump out of this body
and into the healthy one waiting for me down the line…
The most surprising thing is how long my resolve has lasted;
I think putting this out there has given me a real fear of failing… I don’t
want to let you down, that’s important it means every setback is a little one
and not a diet destroying catastrophe. I don’t think I’m going to stop I am
going to keep trying until either I win… or it does.
I’m not going to pretend I have my life sorted, I’m so far
from where I wanted to be that it haunts me, I was talking to a couple of people
a little while ago who were referring to some people in similar situations to
me as losers. I asked if I was a loser in their eyes, they said “You aren’t a
loser by choice that’s where you differ”. Fuck. I really don’t want to be a
loser at all. I don’t care if I didn’t have a choice in it at the start I do
now. I’m not five years old anymore and its time to start digging out of this hole
I have dug for myself. I’m not going to be a loser for one more second. I’m
sick of it. Maybe I didn’t ask to be this way but I did too little about it, so
from now on one foot in front of the other until they hurt.
I feel like I have been through a blender. I have been sick
and kicked around recently, I have dabbled in crazy and come through the storm.
I have found out how far I can bend before I break and for a while there I was
broken but I’m fighting to rebuild myself. I’m going to figure out how to love
myself. This phase in my life could be the end… but I’m trying really hard to
make it the beginning.
Eli Nelson
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