Argh, been a little while. So true to my word I have been seeking some help to figure out whats going on with me lately, as my enthusiasm has been at an all time low. It turns out I have depression and anxiety, but I had been expecting that I haven't been having a easy time of things. I'm don't view this as a hurdle or something particularly upsetting as I know its just another motivation to get from where I am... to where I need to be. I think I can do it as each and every step in any direction seems to be the right move at this point.
A wise woman once said to me, treat the gym like your job. I ignored her when she first said it because I was stuck in the ways of "old Eli" not the "new Eli" I'm trying to be. After reflection I realized that she was so right. The gym needed to be an obligation a everyday or almost everyday kind of thing. I have been to the gym five times in the last week and by Odin's raven I am sore. I can feel new muscles singing out underneath my skin informing me that they are merely forgotten and not gone. They ache. I could barely walk after this new torture my fitness coach Sarah though up... something called a "squat" I didn't even do many of them but I can tell they hate me with the passion of a thousand dying suns.
I have started tackling the big hurdle of figuring out how I started overeating and why I keep it up for twenty years even when it started killing my social life, relationships and finally my body. I must figure out how I got to that horrible apathetic place so I can make sure I never find myself there again. The start of combating this is meeting with a dietitian and figuring out when I'm eating if I'm actually hungry or not, I think most of the time I eat now out of habit or boredom. That has to stop. I now have to record a hunger level before I eat anything, between one and ten, one being empty and ten being so full I fee sick. I'll be interested to see how challenging myself before I eat something works.
Exciting news, I just had an interview about being in a documentary about bullying, I talked to the interviewer for a very long time about all sorts of things and its scary how much I hadn't thought about in some time. I'm going to be so excited if I do make it into the documentary but either way I am happy just knowing my blog i reaching sooooo many different people. Oh to the people who share my blog, it was found due to one of you! So thanks! I wasn't going to talk about it until I know for sure but oh well! I feel like I have a fair bit to say on the issue being bullied all throughout school in one form or another. It would be interesting to try and help other people in the exact same situation I was in.
So yeah some pretty big news, Its bloody nice to have some good news mixed in with some rather crappy last few weeks. Its good that I am reinforcing my support network and progressing on the frequency of "body breaking" exercise, I only wish I had the power to defeat the evil that is bread. Some foes shall live to be defeated another day however! Today of all days I feel like I am embracing every emotion in the spectrum, bouncing from one thing to the next like a little kid in a coffee jar. I am going to embrace the fact that I feel any part of the emotion rainbow and channel that emotion to my purpose. Anger meets a punching bag tonight, sadness meets the guitar of a thousand whirling punk sounds as my legs begin to hate the rowing machine. Oh and happiness... well there's no harm in singing and dancing along to your favorite music when the night gets dark and the gaslights light up.
Eli Nelson
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