Part 31: The other thing.

When you view your life there are very likely a series of goals or maybe just one, these goals together join to form your idea of an adult life, these things are often achievable by destroying all opposition to your goals. I thought my weight was the only opposition to my goals of slipping into an adult life. In my youth I was naive.

Over the last month or so I have been experiencing horrible bouts of something I didn't have the name of until today. The symptoms are terrifying, dizziness, trouble breathing, feeling faint, feeling light headed and trouble swallowing. Like most problems in my life I figured it was but down to my weight.

It didn't occur to me that it was happening primarily in places that were crowded, like work or public transport. It occurred to others however, the moment I opened my mouth and explained what I was feeling they knew. Damn anxiety. It appears I have been experiencing severe panic attacks. Its cost me at least a week off work at this stage and has been a bad blow to my confidence. This came at me sideways, I didn't expect any illness that wasn't weight related, as It has been my experience that everything bad in life is caused by sugar and carbs.

I didn't think I ever really struggled too hard in social situations, I thought I did rather well, almost like a social ninja. I'm an absolute idiot... anxiety isn't just about new people and shyness and not wanting to leave the house, it can be the world shattering self doubt and constriction you didn't even know you were placing on yourself.

I have seen a doctor, been armed with pills and an opportunity to fight this as well as the constant battle against my weight. Its weird being so honest but I figure if you have read this far in the story you deserve honesty.

One awesome thing has come of this, I have finally been referred to look into gastric bypass surgery, my doctor was very pleased with my weight loss, although I am less than overwhelmed and with the aid of my family I stand ready to take back my life. I need this so bad.

Part 30: The tangible goal.

Been a while, Due for an update! I have started a new job working in Wellington which has been amazing for my health. I always thought less time to work on my health would be an issue but to be honest it is quite the opposite, there is no time any more to "Boredom Eat" which used to be a major issue, also provided at work is fresh fruit daily, slim milk and artificial sweetener! To be honest the first two weeks were challenging, my energy levels were hugely put to the test but I am finding every new day easier. I guess it doesn't help when I am constantly trying to go out and do all of these activities after work and just keep myself busy.

My leg has gone a bit mental on me and has made it hard to do exercise lately but me getting on to healing it that promptly lets me know that I am important to myself in a way I never used to be. I never would go to the doctors for myself, I would go if someone else made me go because they were worried about me but never just for myself. Its nice to know that I am concerned for my own well being and it takes a lot of pressure off others in my life. Its exhausting being a person that cares for someone that doesn't care for themselves.

I have found that I am a magnet for personal trainers… in the last week two personal trainers came up to me on the street and offered me their services… for a price. How come its only personal trainers I attract! It’s a pretty opportune way of doing business you sneaky personal trainers. I don't think that’s alright guys!

So I have an actual physical tangible goal. Since I started this I have avoided having a number or a shirt size or anything directly measurable, I have been going off feeling better, being able to do more and being healthier than what I used to be. Recently I meet someone who kind of changed all that for me. I met a girl that had a gastric bypass and was living a completely different life now and that made me reconsider the way I want to do this. A glimmer of light at the end of the rainbow… the mythical pot of gold for me… the idea that life doesn't need to be this way. I have talked to a doctor about what I need for this procedure and I need to be 140 Kgs maximum or else it is too risky. I have often thought that if I can lose that amount that I will be able to lose the rest and keep it off. I'm not so sure anymore, everyday is temptation and every social occasion seems to revolve around food. I see the benefit in only being able to eat a small amount of food in one sitting. So there we have it a tangible goal, an intimidating number that means I'm going to have to play the diet game the way I didn't want to play it.

I think I have finished all the filming for the documentary on bullying in NZ, its going to be interesting seeing myself on TV, I never really thought about the fact that it was going to end up there while I was doing the filming. I have had so much fun throughout the process and met some very awesome people. I must admit I felt like a rock star being filmed in Wellington central! Being filmed has definitely improved my confidence and I am working on a stand up comedy routine. Which is something that I have wanted to do for ages but have never been brave enough.

Exciting.

Eli Nelson