Part 31: The other thing.

When you view your life there are very likely a series of goals or maybe just one, these goals together join to form your idea of an adult life, these things are often achievable by destroying all opposition to your goals. I thought my weight was the only opposition to my goals of slipping into an adult life. In my youth I was naive.

Over the last month or so I have been experiencing horrible bouts of something I didn't have the name of until today. The symptoms are terrifying, dizziness, trouble breathing, feeling faint, feeling light headed and trouble swallowing. Like most problems in my life I figured it was but down to my weight.

It didn't occur to me that it was happening primarily in places that were crowded, like work or public transport. It occurred to others however, the moment I opened my mouth and explained what I was feeling they knew. Damn anxiety. It appears I have been experiencing severe panic attacks. Its cost me at least a week off work at this stage and has been a bad blow to my confidence. This came at me sideways, I didn't expect any illness that wasn't weight related, as It has been my experience that everything bad in life is caused by sugar and carbs.

I didn't think I ever really struggled too hard in social situations, I thought I did rather well, almost like a social ninja. I'm an absolute idiot... anxiety isn't just about new people and shyness and not wanting to leave the house, it can be the world shattering self doubt and constriction you didn't even know you were placing on yourself.

I have seen a doctor, been armed with pills and an opportunity to fight this as well as the constant battle against my weight. Its weird being so honest but I figure if you have read this far in the story you deserve honesty.

One awesome thing has come of this, I have finally been referred to look into gastric bypass surgery, my doctor was very pleased with my weight loss, although I am less than overwhelmed and with the aid of my family I stand ready to take back my life. I need this so bad.

Part 30: The tangible goal.

Been a while, Due for an update! I have started a new job working in Wellington which has been amazing for my health. I always thought less time to work on my health would be an issue but to be honest it is quite the opposite, there is no time any more to "Boredom Eat" which used to be a major issue, also provided at work is fresh fruit daily, slim milk and artificial sweetener! To be honest the first two weeks were challenging, my energy levels were hugely put to the test but I am finding every new day easier. I guess it doesn't help when I am constantly trying to go out and do all of these activities after work and just keep myself busy.

My leg has gone a bit mental on me and has made it hard to do exercise lately but me getting on to healing it that promptly lets me know that I am important to myself in a way I never used to be. I never would go to the doctors for myself, I would go if someone else made me go because they were worried about me but never just for myself. Its nice to know that I am concerned for my own well being and it takes a lot of pressure off others in my life. Its exhausting being a person that cares for someone that doesn't care for themselves.

I have found that I am a magnet for personal trainers… in the last week two personal trainers came up to me on the street and offered me their services… for a price. How come its only personal trainers I attract! It’s a pretty opportune way of doing business you sneaky personal trainers. I don't think that’s alright guys!

So I have an actual physical tangible goal. Since I started this I have avoided having a number or a shirt size or anything directly measurable, I have been going off feeling better, being able to do more and being healthier than what I used to be. Recently I meet someone who kind of changed all that for me. I met a girl that had a gastric bypass and was living a completely different life now and that made me reconsider the way I want to do this. A glimmer of light at the end of the rainbow… the mythical pot of gold for me… the idea that life doesn't need to be this way. I have talked to a doctor about what I need for this procedure and I need to be 140 Kgs maximum or else it is too risky. I have often thought that if I can lose that amount that I will be able to lose the rest and keep it off. I'm not so sure anymore, everyday is temptation and every social occasion seems to revolve around food. I see the benefit in only being able to eat a small amount of food in one sitting. So there we have it a tangible goal, an intimidating number that means I'm going to have to play the diet game the way I didn't want to play it.

I think I have finished all the filming for the documentary on bullying in NZ, its going to be interesting seeing myself on TV, I never really thought about the fact that it was going to end up there while I was doing the filming. I have had so much fun throughout the process and met some very awesome people. I must admit I felt like a rock star being filmed in Wellington central! Being filmed has definitely improved my confidence and I am working on a stand up comedy routine. Which is something that I have wanted to do for ages but have never been brave enough.

Exciting.

Eli Nelson

Part 29 "The urge"

I'm finding it easier.

I'm beginning to understand what a friend of mine told me when I asked him how he lost so much weight. He looked at me and said "I am so hungry bro".

At first that didn't make sense to me.

What is hunger?

...

I hadn't felt it in so long. I had stopped waking up hungry because my body was still processing food from the night before. I was constantly full.

That is... wrong. I wasn't in control at all, not of my urges, my body or life. So for someone to tell me they were so hungry made me think. A lot. I recently found the opportunity to be hungry. With enough distraction you can forget a habit like overeating briefly. Oh god it was uncomfortable at first. Hunger felt so foreign and bizarre. I kept in mind what you said though. I didn't rush out and eat heaps. I stayed hungry. Just a little.

Not eating so much made me very tired.

After a couple of days I started to turn down junk food other people offered me.

Today I let myself get too hungry and I cheated on my diet. Gross.

I'm ashamed I have to put such a disgusting dinner in my food diary.

If I'm going to do this I need to accept that I'm going to be hungry. I'm going to miss out on some things. I'm going to have to turn down treats.

I think I'm going to be ok with that.

My new job is a great distraction from hunger. They provide fresh fruit everyday and my colleagues know my weight loss goals. Also having a solid rountine is a great help in figuring out meal plans. I'm slowly working towards being the grown up I want to be, I just need to fight against myself every day to get there. I have proven I can eat well to myself, I have proven I can exercise now I have to combine them into a solid rountine.

I have never been very good with change, some of us are very set in our ways. Its a huge change feeling hungry. The new job is a huge change too. But to be honest I think a few huge changes are exactly what I need right now.



Eli Nelson

Part 28:Big boned but not thick skined

I'm going to start this by saying that most of time I can let things go and not get my worked up, but every now and then it just gets too much.

So the other I had an interesting experience, I went shopping at the supermarket and had the misfortune of my mp3 player pause between songs at just the wrong moment. To my dismay in a crowded super market I hear the shrill voice of a small child laughing and saying "Daddy look at that big fat man!". Lets just freeze time right there for a second.

In that moment the first thought that popped into my head was. *I am not a man* Because in my mind I'm not. I don't have the grown up outlook on life to consider myself an adult and masculinity is so far out of my reach I might as well be jumping for the stars...

The second thought was *Damn, that just happened.*

These two thoughts kept me stunned as I walked past this family unit... until my third thought kicks in. Most eloquently expressed as

*Rarghhhhhhhhh!*

My fist clench's my now lifeless mp3 player and I turn at lock my eyes on "Daddy" from fifteen metres away I burn holes into the mans head. I'm angry. I'm angry at this man not teaching his kid that people are different, I'm angry at his kid laughing, I'm angry that I'm embarrassed and I'm angry at me. He doesn't notice me. Anger subsides slowly.

I turn away and my eyes dart to my shopping basket. I remove everything without merit and go and spend the last of my money of healthy food. I do this not because I want to, but because someone else has laughed at me into feeling crap about the body I live in.

I want to be healthy and feel good about myself. I want to feel pretty. I want to go out in public and not be laughed at.

But I'm not going to do anything because other people make me feel bad. I will do it for myself, slowly clawing back my health like a pissed off sloth and when I'm done you won't recognize the person you laughed at.

I'm overweight. I'm also intelligent, kind and hilarious. I am more than what I present myself to be and every time someone has counted me down I surprise them. After feeling crap for a good portion of that night I went out dancing with some friends and danced until three in the morning. I can't dance by the way, but I did.



Eli Nelson

Part 27: "Its going to take you places"

I have realized how indispensable anger is to me. It is my fuel. Over the course of filming this documentary the director asked me what had changed in me after of long of living the apathetic lifestyle of a boy wanting to die... I thought about it for quite a while and then it hit me. I wasn't angry enough. I wasn't angry enough at life, at the situation and most importantly I wasn't angry enough at myself.

Somewhere down the line I started to get frustrated, then angry, and finally furious all without making a change. I built up this feeling until it one day manifested into an angry walk to the beach. It was my first angry walk to the beach... It was not my last. I would be nowhere without that first angry walk, nothing happens instantly and that was the point where I knew I could do something... different.

Now that I'm plenty angry and those bursts of energy and rage want to propel me to a better place  I'm pretty keen to let them. I admit I messed up, I let myself get to a point that required a massive revamp of my personally and outlook on life. I let myself become this shell of a person. I stopped enjoying things like other peoples company and going to work.  Pardon my french but, Je ne suis pas fait jurer! Thats no life to live.

It would have been nice to rely on love, hope and the power of rainbows to get me through but If I need to smack punching bags around like a heavy weight contender then so be in. Punching bags feel my wrath! I swear they tremble when I show up at the gym. Anger gets things done. It takes me from feeling useless to destroying whatever junk food managed to follow me home this week.

I'm going to control this useful dark force and direct it where I want it to go and when I have no use for my anger... hopefully there is none left in me. I need it for now because there is so very far to go and I need the drive and passion. A couple of years from now I'm going to be a new person with no need for any darkness but today I'm glad I have some.

Part 26:Rationalizing exercise

When I was a kid I was the type to sit and read while all the other kids ran around playing games or adventuring, little did I know I was beginning lifelong habits which were unhealthy. As I grew up I remained very much a quiet and not very energetic boy. Having to break these habits in my adult life isn't easy especially finding exercise hard and sometimes painful.

Weirdly enough its little tiny things that make working out easier for someone that has historically hated all physical activity, I have found music to be an amazing game changer for me, When I'm at the gym and I'm listening to a great playlist I work harder and am more inclined to stay on a machine because the beautiful howling of my favorite band eggs me on. I would go nowhere without music. It is the very lifeblood of my workout. If you are having trouble find a artist that makes you want to dance and you are heading in the right direction.

I have also found out I'm not like my mother who can go for a walk for noooooo reason what so ever, I am much more determined to get out and about for something I can kid myself into thinking is something that needs to be done, such as buying a singular item from somewhere or picking something up for a flatmate. That way it seems like something that isn't completely pointless and I have achieved something however tiny.

When I was about twenty I started going for walks to the beach to pick up a single shell each time, that way I had a small collection of shells at home to reflect my progress. I found it helped to have a representation of the effort I had put in, especially on the days I could see no physical change I always had my little shell collection.

To me exercise was always a chore so when you can combine your interests with exercise you have created something awesome. For some people its rollerblading, for others its mountain climbing... but for me anything that has a historical combat element appeals to me. I think its my nerdery shining through but things like sword fghting, archery and yes even sumo wrestling appeal to me. If I am enjoying it I can pretend it isn't hard and stick it out when I really want to collapse on the floor!

This is what works for me, but maybe that's because I'm a tad bit loopy! Its vital I learn to like exercise and I know as it gets easier and easier it will be sooooo much more pleasant. Until then I just have to keep at it!

Eli Nelson

PS: I made it through to the next stage for the documentary on bullying, later on this month I'm going to be filmed for it which is very awesome!!! I also plan to write a little more on the subject beforehand so yeah! That's pretty awesome!!!

Part 25: Rainbows as seen from space.

Argh, been a little while. So true to my word I have been seeking some help to figure out whats going on with me lately, as my enthusiasm has been at an all time low. It turns out I have depression and anxiety, but I had been expecting that I haven't been having a easy time of things. I'm don't view this as a hurdle or something particularly upsetting as I know its just another motivation to get from where I am... to where I need to be. I think I can do it as each and every step in any direction seems to be the right move at this point.

A wise woman once said to me, treat the gym like your job. I ignored her when she first said it because I was stuck in the ways of "old Eli" not the "new Eli" I'm trying to be. After reflection I realized that she was so right. The gym needed to be an obligation a everyday or almost everyday kind of thing. I have been to the gym five times in the last week and by Odin's raven I am sore. I can feel new muscles singing out underneath my skin informing me that they are merely forgotten and not gone. They ache. I could barely walk after this new torture my fitness coach Sarah though up... something called a "squat" I didn't even do many of them but I can tell they hate me with the passion of a thousand dying suns.

I have started tackling the big hurdle of figuring out how I started overeating and why I keep it up for twenty years even when it started killing my social life, relationships and finally my body. I must figure out how I got to that horrible apathetic place so I can make sure I never find myself there again. The start of combating this is meeting with a dietitian and figuring out when I'm eating if I'm actually hungry or not, I think most of the time I eat now out of habit or boredom. That has to stop. I now have to record a hunger level before I eat anything, between one and ten, one being empty and ten being so full I fee sick. I'll be interested to see how challenging myself before I eat something works.

Exciting news, I just had an interview about being in a documentary about bullying, I talked to the interviewer for a very long time about all sorts of things and its scary how much I hadn't thought about in some time. I'm going to be so excited if I do make it into the documentary but either way I am happy just knowing my blog i reaching sooooo many different people. Oh to the people who share my blog, it was found due to one of you! So thanks! I wasn't going to talk about it until I know for sure but oh well! I feel like I have a fair bit to say on the issue being bullied all throughout school in one form or another. It would be interesting to try and help other people in the exact same situation I was in.

So yeah some pretty big news, Its bloody nice to have some good news mixed in with some rather crappy last few weeks. Its good that I am reinforcing my support network and progressing on the frequency of "body breaking" exercise, I only wish I had the power to defeat the evil that is bread. Some foes shall live to be defeated another day however! Today of all days I feel like I am embracing every emotion in the spectrum, bouncing from one thing to the next like a little kid in a coffee jar. I am going to embrace the fact that I feel any part of the emotion rainbow and channel that emotion to my purpose. Anger meets a punching bag tonight, sadness meets the guitar of a thousand whirling punk sounds as my legs begin to hate the rowing machine. Oh and happiness... well there's no harm in singing and dancing along to your favorite music when the night gets dark and the gaslights light up.

Eli Nelson

Part 24:Sanity and other myths.

Sanity and other myths.

I feel blessed for even a week that isn’t marred by a setback, so glad am I that I am no longer stuck, no longer swollen… no longer relying on the pity of others to accomplish the most basic of existence. I know I can’t allow my bad weeks continue… I need to get back on top of things and restore the balance order to my life. I need to vanquish my addiction and calm my thoughts. I need to steel myself to again give up the little things I have let back slip into my life and diet.

Its small things that help, I got a really supportive message from my fitness trainer moments before I went grocery shopping; I came home with bags laden with fruit and veges rather than junk. It’s feeling good after putting on my new suit or walking until my feet hurt. I need to fill my life with little moments like these, rather than the guilt and despair of eating and cheating.

Recently I have begun to be honest with people where my weight, feelings and history is concerned this was an amazing step to begin living out of the shadows and so far I haven’t been burnt for my honesty. This foray into living so far has been successful but its time to kick it into overdrive, I know it and my body knows it. I’m so bloody ready to jump out of this body and into the healthy one waiting for me down the line…

The most surprising thing is how long my resolve has lasted; I think putting this out there has given me a real fear of failing… I don’t want to let you down, that’s important it means every setback is a little one and not a diet destroying catastrophe. I don’t think I’m going to stop I am going to keep trying until either I win… or it does.

I’m not going to pretend I have my life sorted, I’m so far from where I wanted to be that it haunts me, I was talking to a couple of people a little while ago who were referring to some people in similar situations to me as losers. I asked if I was a loser in their eyes, they said “You aren’t a loser by choice that’s where you differ”. Fuck. I really don’t want to be a loser at all. I don’t care if I didn’t have a choice in it at the start I do now. I’m not five years old anymore and its time to start digging out of this hole I have dug for myself. I’m not going to be a loser for one more second. I’m sick of it. Maybe I didn’t ask to be this way but I did too little about it, so from now on one foot in front of the other until they hurt.

I feel like I have been through a blender. I have been sick and kicked around recently, I have dabbled in crazy and come through the storm. I have found out how far I can bend before I break and for a while there I was broken but I’m fighting to rebuild myself. I’m going to figure out how to love myself. This phase in my life could be the end… but I’m trying really hard to make it the beginning.

Eli Nelson

Part 23:The great neg conundrum! ...and other stories.

The most bizarre thing happened today, I had just gotten off the bus and had run into a school friend who I hadn't seen in a gazillion years. Pretty standard stuff. A guy in his forties or fifties approached us and interrupted our conversation to say I was looking flash (and I was with my suit, bright green tie and sunglasses), I replied thank you, he then said he thought I would look better if I lost some weight... I pleasantly told him I had lost twenty Kgs, he was impressed and said that he was sorry to say that he thought I would look better if I lost some weight. I introduced myself, shook his hand, he told me I was a nice guy and then he departed.

How would you respond to that? I was positive and polite, should I have been more confrontational? Was that a nice thing or hugely rude? It was maybe a bit embarrassing that it happened in front of someone I didn't know very well and was quite awkward for her. Personally though... I'm used to it, but should I be?

Would you approach someone on the street and tell them they look pretty, but they should cut their hair? I don't think you would. People don't normally entitled to comment on strangers physical appearance and you know what... they damn well shouldn't. Its not ok. I seem to have the strangest encounters with strangers. Oh well.

In other news, true to my word after admitting I need mental help to combat my addiction I have approached two places to help figure out why I have got to this place in my life, once I understand that I think I will be able to feel confident that if I lose the weight I can keep it off too. I also hope I can get a bit of guidance to steer me back on a path I recognize because I am feeling a little lost lately.

I have been sick for the last couple of days with a fever and swollen leg, being delirious is not fun. I have experienced these symptoms recurring since I was eighteen and I felt them coming on as I walked to the gym to see my trainer. It would have been really easy to turn around and go home to toss the towel in and call quits but I went to the gym and did it. I was impressed with myself. Its amazing when you realise you can still surprise yourself. After the gym I spent the next day shivering and shaking from the fever. Worth it. Theres is this little part of me that is resilient and wants to be happy and healthy... I'm putting my money on him.

Eli Nelson

Part 22:The question I want answered.

I was once a person, until I was visited by a hunger that doesn’t cease. One day I found myself destroyed, I had hit the concrete floor of rock bottom... someone really close to me looked at me and said to others “there is nothing that can be done… Eli can’t be helped”. He meant it, he had given up on me and why shouldn’t he have, I had given up on myself. I was 99% helpless. But upon hearing the fact I was a write off that tiny 1% rebelled. I started this in pain, burning with hatred for myself and unsure of my conviction. I’m still here, I’m not broken and I will not die in this fat suit.

Dismissal helped me acknowledge the problem and help me put one foot in front of the other,  the very act of being able to move even though I was in pain helped me realise I wasn’t defeated I had just been lost for a very long time. I am trying to find my way now, I eat quite a bit better and get out and move way more but there is one part of this dynamic I haven’t started fighting yet.

I don’t know why I eat. I’m not hungry when I do it, nor am I overly emotional, I don’t know if I am “eating my feelings” or whether I do it out a habit. One thing for sure is that it is an addiction, maybe not a chemical one like smokes or drugs but I feel it all the same. When I started this I went through terrible withdrawals, I was lucky I spent ten full days in the beautiful middle of nowhere. It needs to be acknowledged though; I have no idea why I have been destroying myself.

I feel unless I find out why I do the things I do that my progress will be for naught, Oh and there is progress :P I ran for the first time in a long time today, actual running… down a main street. Such progress though will always be like giving mouth to mouth to a bullet wound if I don’t find out why I eat, its too easy to backslide into old habits.

So I guess I’m saying here is… I need help… professional help. I feel no shame in admitting that something has gone wrong, little boys are supposed to climb the mountain… not eat it. I think admitting this in writing to all of you will give me the strength to act on the aspect of weight loss I have yet to combat. “Once more into the breach dear friends.”

Eli Nelson

PS: a bit on the progress, I have just started at the gym with a fitness coach, she may be reading this… My arms ache from our first session, I’m going to get fit… or shes going to kill me trying. J I went for a walk and a run today and feel better for it. I walk differently and feel stronger. I hurt my foot and I could only hobble around not putting any weight on it for over a week but fortunately I didn’t put any weight back on! S

Part 21:"The things I should have told you".

I am going to deviate from the normal form and flow of this blog to write something a bit different. This is a letter I didn't plan to write, but last night I realised I needed too. As part of my journey will be dealing with the past and how I feel about it, its important I deal with it. I didn't know if I should publish this as it is highly personal, but if you read this far, then you Alice my dear friend are already down the rabbit hole. Here is the letter to myself as a child titled "The things I should have told you".

Dear little Eli

Right now you are a little boy, you are healthy and beautiful, You look like all your friends. I don't know how to tell you this, but you are going to change. You are not going to be the same as the others, I'm not sure you ever will be. You won't enjoy it. You'll learn about shame and how to hide candy packets. You are going to learn how to lie and be pretty good at it. Biscuits will disappear mysteriously.

Clothes aren't going to fit, you'll struggle to find anything that looks good and then... anything at all. You'll hate shopping for clothes and you'll know no embarrassment worse than leaving a store with nothing. You will try to forget that you don't look like the other kids, some days you will succeed.

People will treat you differently, some will pity you, some will even be disgusted by your existence. Strangers will insult you for no reason. People will judge your merits by a perception based entirely on prejudice.You'll lose friends that ultimately aren't worth your time, as they can't see the old you no more than you can find that old you in the mirror. Adults will have serious talks with you as they try and convince you to change. Your mum will tell you that you might die before you are twenty one, she is going to say this not to hurt you but to help you... you will make your mum cry.

You'll break the hearts of everyone close to you, and when they try to tell you... You'll get angry at them. You won't tell people you love them because you think they can only see what you see in yourself. You may be the worst thing for some of the best people in your life. For some time you will hate yourself.

You won't understand what's happening and you'll get angry, I wish I could tell you where to direct that anger but at twenty three I still don't know. You are going to use humor to get through the visits to hospital and you will fear medical words you can't now even pronounce, like cellulitis and diabetes. Breathing will not come easy.

Be brave little guy, you'll have people there for you. dear god, if you can take their help do it, as early as possible, don't turn them away like I did. Don't beat yourself up. This was never anyones fault and it does get better! I wish I could change all the things that need changing for you, but I am trying now. I wish I could give you a different path to walk but I can't. If I could I would grab you and shake you and scream at you to change. But you grew up.

Right now you are a little boy, you are healthy and beautiful, You look like all your friends.



Eli Nelson

Part 20: To my childhood bully!

This is a declaration to the bully, whose face I have forgotten, but whose actions I remember. Fat people are often perceived as lazy, unattractive and stupid. Any quick google search on the matter will decide the matter... Ignorant people are out there... and they don't appreciate how pretty we make them look. Come on guys you'll look a right stud standing next to me... just don't open your mouth. The tolerance being abnormal grants someone, through dealing with often bullying and isolation is incredible, it's clear the ignorant need to learn some.

Lazy? Mate... try carrying around an extra hundred kgs on your flesh everyday and see how many star jumps you are motivated to do! When I was at my biggest every step I took was a long jump of yours and those flights of stairs? reaching the top was flight. You don't know. You couldn't know. I have immense self respect for every little walk I do.

Unattractive? Oh buddy, I'm freaking beautiful, I have so much beauty in my little overworked heart. I searched and found what makes me awesome. While you preened in the mirror I dug deeper and looked into my soul, because you told me my beauty wasn't visible. I found my beauty, you found your skin, I think I won there and that victory tastes sweeter than a thousand soft drinks!

Stupid? Wait... what? I spent my time reading book after book in my lunchtime solitude, I lived among dinosaurs, astronauts and knights in armour. I shut my mouth and listened, knowing that you and your damn friends didn't care for a word I had to say. I listened and learnt. I learnt about people and kindness, Monsters and cruelty. I learnt the sad price a pretty face can cost your humanity, at least for a while.

Now you may have grown up, you may regret your actions, but think it didn't matter. You are wrong, my skin proved to be as thick as you but others destroy themselves based on the idea that they aren't good enough. I didn't self destruct. I was lucky, others aren't. I have moved past my pain, but I am not blind to that of others.

My dear bully you can't even imagine being able to wear this weight, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, even you. Somehow more importantly you don't deserve to understand the lessons it has taught me, I know how to value my efforts, I know how to love the real me and I appreciate the wisdom your exclusion granted me.
I took your words and I took your actions, I did not speak. You thought me lazy, you were wrong, You thought me unattractive, you were wrong, You thought me stupid, You were wrong.

Eli Nelson

Part 19: Thinspiration

When I first started writing I didn't think I would be able to help myself, I threw words at the page in a rage in the hopes of coming clean about my feelings, my shame and to fairly illustrate what things have been like. If I had any idea of how my honesty would change my life... I would have started talking so much sooner.

I feel free, I have emptied the closet of skeletons and read my diary aloud for all to hear, If you have made it this far... you know me better than you ever have. You know of bullies, illness and depression. You know about the siren call of the custard square and the joy I have when I finally fit something. I have shared my dreams and fears and have cried more than once writing these down for you. I began with no idea of how anyone would respond but I did it. I wrote this stuff down and threw it out into the world and the response?

Inspiration, on both sides. Others have pushed me and helped me, they have supported and understood. People I don't know have followed my progress and setbacks, People have listened and cared. In a twist I have helped others, I have family, friends and strangers who have started their own journeys after reading this blog, I have other friends who have started their own blogs to share a different aspect of their lives with the world. To those of you trying to lose weight I have two words of encouragement to you, "Race you?".

When I started this I was told I was brave, but I wasn't brave at all. I was broken when I started this and I don't feel that way anymore. I have lost twenty Kgs, I have sore broken feet from the amount of walking recently and yesterday my belt needed tightening which it has never needed before. I am more confident, I have new clothes and I walk differently.

When I was growing up there was a tiny handwritten quote I found around the house on a small piece of card, I took it and pinned it to my wall (resale value be damned!). The quote read, “When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” I have carried that quote with me. 

I dare to be powerful.

Part 18:Patience and other swear words.

My feet ache, there is the pain of the amount of walking I have done, the shard of glass I stepped on this morning and the corporate shoes I can finally fit due to my legs persisting in resisting the invasive illness that ails them. A civilised gentleman would take this pain and wear his victory silently as a small smug smile on his face, but I am no gentleman.

Fortunately I know that I couldn’t long regale you with tales of fancy shoes and injured feet, just a bit of an update. I have found the wagon and climbed on, every now and then I am tested sourly and some days I fail. When I fail it’s easy for one failed meal to become a day of naughty food, my mind tells me that I have broken the rules once today, what the hell! This mind set is a deadly diet destroyer, the bane of all healthy eating. Perseverance! This word will be my anthem, until I finally learn how to spell it without spell checker.  I’ll repeat it in my mind until I hate every syllable. Only then can I breathe victory.

Water has become a snack, my water bottle is now an accomplice to my aspirations. It sickens me to say that for years the only water I ever drunk was contained in my coffee. I feel lots better all hydrated and what not. I have come a long way from smuggling bottles of fizzy drink home and I hope to go a long way still.

I have new clothes and a new suit is on the horizon. Not many people could understand how important this is to me. This is pure happiness. The idea of things I can fit fills me with a joy so liberating you’d believe this fat guy could fly. Armed with the knowledge looking beautiful is around the corner I find myself optimistically looking to the future. I think it’s time to bedazzle my room in motivational posters!

I’d like to thank a couple of people who have helped lots with my recent upswing in positivity, one is my best friend Sophie who has supported me through the last three years, sometimes when I didn’t deserve her support. The other person is my mother Francesca, who has never refused to help me when I can show I’m willing to help myself. With the help these people and others give me, I’m going to be amazing.

Part 17: Pursuing Hope

I don’t know what has halted my progress for so long, but whatever it is still threatens me now. I have examined my determination and found it lacking, I want to succeed but have constantly procrastinated. Success isn’t like the movies, it isn't some inspirational speech followed by a minute of montage sequence.

Success for me will mean pain, sweat, vigilance and facing my problems head on.  Success will be a compromise between my mind and stomach, a fragile agreement of identifying treats allowed and poison. I know what I need to do. It can’t be more clear. I don’t need a dietitian or personal trainer.

I need to eat simply. Avoid the poison. I need to exercise. Harder than I ever have before. I need to kill my demons and fall in love with slaying them on a daily basis… If I’m not prepared to do this I should give up. Damn I know I want to sometimes. But hope is the little voice telling me off when I cheat, It’s the guilt I feel when I have something bad, even if there isn't anyone to see me… That little voice of hope may save my life.

 

I really do want to beat this and when I do I have given a lot of thought into what I’m going to do, I have decided I’m not going to destroy the Eli inside me that suffered through this horrible life altering nightmare, I’m going to use the good that I can draw from it. I hope I always have the sensitivity being larger than life has instilled in me. I hope I take every little tiny good thing that I has been instilled over the years and incorporate it into the new me.

So I’m going to get there. Somehow. Someday. I’m going to do it for all the people that are going to need me in their lives one day… and I’m going to do it for me. I want to see my nephew grow up. I want to wear a beautiful wedding dress… just kidding, But I want to do amazing things and I can’t do them trapped in my fat suit.

Part 16: One step at a time

Somedays I look in the mirror and don't recognise myself, my illness swallowed my features and hid me for so long. I'm only now returning to the realm of expressions! Its really weird to see my face move with less weight on it... Its a small change but I love it. I still don't feel like a samurai warrior but I admit on days like this I bloody love who I am. I am going to be spectacular.

Its a good feeling, that little bit of progress opens the floodgates and a little more progress trickles through. Bit by bit I'll rejoin humanity and cease being the exile I once was. I know I'll be happy when strangers judge me for my character first instead of my weight as they damn well should anyway. One day people will look at photos of me and say "You look like you ate two of you." and I'll say "I probably could have".

Its a strange thing, I started running today. I wasn't being chased, no car was coming and no candy store was having a clearance sale (I'm allowed to say this I'm heavier than you.). I just started running and while my burst of energy was short and sweet no one can deny the fact the it materialised. Small miracles should be celebrated.

For some people the idea of me running must seem bizarre, the was a time I couldn't even do my own shopping and had other people kindly offer. Well for those people who helped me I offer to you now the chance to reap the benefit of your generosity... I'll go on walks for you and pick up whatever you need but please never help me again. next time make me do it, because I need to. I love you guys and I'll be around far longer this way.

I walked a relatively short distance today, but it was a distance I struggled with previously... today it was no problem. Its the most wonderful feeling in the world to go from feeling half dead to not even remembering what that was like. I know I'm not out of the woods yet but when I am... I'm going to burn the whole forest again. I'm going to win. I'm going to be healthy. I'm never going in those woods again. Its a slow road, but I can walk, I can stumble and when I need it I have some of the most amazing people in my life to carry me.

Eli Nelson. 

Part 15: Keeping up the fight.

The hardest part of being severely overweight is the soul crushing lack of motivation that comes with it, the apathetic feeling that somehow makes everything that should be important to you just not matter, the act of dressing up for company subsides and the food stupor leaves you hibernating inside instead of facing the world. Many little things stack up into one giant problem and you realise one bloody terrifying thing... you are depressed.

Its easy to fall into a pattern of self loathing and disdain, It is almost impossible to break. I sometimes lose myself looking in the mirror trying to recognise the creature peering back at me. I wonder how I could be so stupid to let me get this size, I compare myself to what I imagine people want to look like and I shudder. On every day that I do this I count myself lucky... because those are the days I care.

The worst days are the ones where I pretend It's all ok, that I don't mind the face staring back it me, when I don't mind the way I look and feel... when I ignore the shudder and pretend I'm ok. Thats the apathy. Its insidious and hard to eradicate but I am finding its possible.

Every day I wake up and face a different Eli, sometimes I'm motivated some days I'm not, most days I am an indiscernible mixture of the two. I try to make the most of the positive and minimize the negative. I attempt to power through the depressing thoughts and some days I lose. The point is a the moment I am trying and for the first time in my adult life I'm winning more than losing and I count that as a victory worth celebrating.

I know this is a long road and I have only begun my journey but I'd like to think the fact the I have begun any journey is a welcome sign, so onwards to happiness and what not!

Eli Nelson

Part 14: I can't believe its not butter.

Supermarket shopping was once a highlight of my week when I was a fat guy unrestricted by the constraints of healthy eating, a time filled with a variety of sugar and salts and carbs packaged in a dazzling variety of wrappings that all unwrap into the same thing... obesity. So now that I'm trying to be conscious of my decisions and work on my health I'm finding shopping to be difficult for a variety of reasons...

Reason number one is that junk food is so much cheaper!!! bottled water vs soft drink is terrible, cheap fatty meat like sausages and mince costs almost nothing compared to a healthy cut of meat. Fruit is expensive compared to other snack items  and veges are a costly investment... so you may understand that the temptation to just throw my hands in the air and stomp off to the confectionery aisle threatens to take over. Resistance is useless! buy the junk food! Argh... Sorry about that it is rather difficult to resist though and it only takes that one moment to put an item you really don't need into your trolley and you are mentally eating it already... its won.

I saw something that made me laugh, a lite cream cheese while being the same price as regular cream cheese of the same brand contained less contents that the unhealthy one, its like its daring you to choose to be healthy... now I was going to say "how do you like them apples" but unfortunately the apples were to expensive for me to buy any for this quote.

Reason number two would have to be the horrible (read junk food) specials, its always biscuits or chocolate, lollies or ice cream! it doesn't often seem like veges or fruit get a discount. it Is really hard trying to be good and feeling ripped off for your healthy decisions, investing in my body's well being is expensive it seems. Healthy specials would rock and leave me feeling much richer after my weekly shops but it seems not to be! I know its a shame that money doesn't grow on trees but I was rather certain alot of healthy stuff did!

If it wasn't already hard to be good $2 blocks of chocolate specials are a nightmare on your willpower... if you let them be, there is this strange little boost of power you feel every time you walk on past every bakery, fish and chip shop and chocolate bar, its little but my god it adds up, refusing junk food makes me feel much better than eating it. 

The only good thing I can take from supermarkets is that they are the best test for someone with an addiction like me, I know I can't ignore the existence of junk food, it will always be there and I won't overcome my addiction in a vacuum, I need to go out and ignore all the wailing advertisements and the cost of being healthy. By doing this I will be more powerful for it. Onwards and upwards I guess! Huzzah!

Eli Nelson

180ish Kgs.

Part 13: Who the hell am I?

As I continue on this path of weight loss I'm going to discover the ability to do things I have never done before because I have been to limited, I will get the opportunity to decide again if I like these things rather that have the decision dictated to me by my inability to do it. Who knows what I'll like in a year... on that same note I face a slight identity crisis.

A problem I have faced as a big guy is a lack of role models that I can Identify with. Where are the plus sized super heroes, rock stars or athletes (oh wait scrap the last one.), what I'm saying is I want to identify and see myself reflected in the world but its hard when no one looks like me... Its harder still when the people in charge actively decide to slim down already hefty characters!

If anyone has watched disney's the little mermaid they'll be familiar with the villain Ursula, she was a larger than life diva who threw her literal weight around. She was an iconic villain, but Disney decided that slimmer is better and have released toys of her with a tiny waistband and flowing dress. The old Ursula looks like she could eat the new one and maybe she damn well should. The Queen of hearts in Alice and wonderland was also slimmed down for the modern screen and her dolls have been given involuntary liposuction. So now even traditional villains can't have a weight problem? Because they won't appeal to the majority? Oh screw that!

Don't get me wrong I do have my role models (or roll models) Nick Frost and Jack Black are both or the husky side and manage to be awesome but there are very few people who I can identify with. Whenever someone tells me I reminf them of someone famous they are almost always larger than life, not a skinny but a fat one, thats how others see me, two weeks ago I was told I remind my flatmate of Sam on game of thrones who is the only fat character. how is it that among hundreds of characters my role model is picked for me as the fat "one". In media most fat people are portrayed as either the villain or comic relief and that's just not good enough, does a fat main character change the plot that much of most things? whats the worst that could happen? Luke Skywalker not fitting in his X-wing? Superman's tights a little tighter?

I'm trying to figure out what makes me... well me. For so long I have carried the persona of being just "a fat person"... making jokes at my expense and being ok with it. So hugely does my view of myself depend on my weight condition that a big part of this transition is mental. I really need to reinvent myself as something besides the obese guy in the room... but I'm uncertain how to proceed. Will I ever identify with skinny role models and maybe more importantly... should I have to?

Part 12:The truth about terror

To be obese (and yes every agitated particle of my being hates using that word) means to live in fear of phantom illnesses, to be worried not about what you have now but whats right around the corner. I want to tell you the fears I have carried since I was a little boy... but by even voicing them I feel like I'm breathing life to them. The only reason I'm able to discuss them now is because I know that there is hope for me to get better rather than fall to them.

Diabetes are a haunting nightmare, the kind that will never go away. I live in fear of contracting an illness that is already in older generations of my family. Knowing that I'm extremely at risk never helps alleviate that fear. Every time my doctors want to check for it I deflate and go somewhere else in my head. Its getting to the point I don't want to be tested for it anymore which is not one of my most intelligent reasoning's.

Becoming bed bound has been a fear for the last year or so, knowing that I might get to the point where I literally couldn't move was terrifying beyond belief. The idea of being a young adult confined to a room because of my own stupid choices seems impossibly far fetched... but I was making that a reality, a horrible disgusting reality. I have work to do before that is no longer a possibility, only persistence will see me through.\

Lets mention the one thing I have spent my adult life living in mortal fear, that cold feeling I get when my body starts to tingle, my chest bubbly and my world spin. I'm talking about heart attacks. I have never had one. I don't know what it would feel like, I can't imagine. What I can imagine however is that every single affliction I have that is inexplicable is somehow a heart attack in my head. My mind tells me I'm going to die, disregarding how the rest of me feels. It tells me this is the end and through my fear I believe it. I could tell you how many times I have cried in front of my friends and asked them to check in on me, or I could tell you the amount of times I have gone to the hospital and had the gel smeared on my chest to scan my heart but i think you get the point.

Fear, horror and a grizzly end is what I always imagined waiting for me, people have warned me I may die these ways or perhaps worse... live these ways. I'm terrified, it has never gone away and I doubt it ever will. It is not the way to live, jumping at shadows and finding your insecurities, but I don't know any other way to live. I'm hoping losing weight also results in being able let go of this fear I have carried with me.

Eli Nelson

Part 11:Encounters of the awkward kind

Weird encounter today, I was in one of those places where you buy food... oh yes a supermarket, I was shopping with a friend for groceries when I wandered off from her to find something, when I came back I found her talking to a complete stranger about the weirdest topic... me.

It turns out that this lady had followed us into the supermarket and noticed my legs (sadly no not in that way). Since I was eighteen I have suffered from severe leg infections and cellulitis which has discolored part of my skin. ouch! The reason she decided to talk to us is because she had personal experience with diabetes. She had just finished telling my friend this when I returned.

I know what she was trying to do, I even appreciate what she was trying to do but what she ended up doing was turning a nice morning out into an opportunity to feel different and damn it I have enough of those. It wasn't just me that was mortified and embarrassed my friend was also shocked, I am so glad my friend knew me so well and we got the hell out of there so bloody fast.

I get this kind of thing a fair amount, Most of the time its people trying to help sometimes its people wanting to talk absolute rubbish but it all hurts no matter how positive the spin on it. I don't care about the situation you just don't randomly approach a stranger and assume you know what they are going through. I'm not saying I haven't thought about it, dear god I have wanted to tell every chubby kid the road they might have ahead of them, to do anything to help them but it just isn't ok to meddle.

The experience today left me feeling something to be gawked at, It made me double check through my groceries for anything unhealthy and if I'd found anything I would have put it back out of shame. How can strangers have such an effect on us, I don't know these people and hopefully I'll never see them again. I look forward to the day I can pass myself off as normal.

Eli Nelson

Part 10:Romance in a plus sized world.

Being big is hard, but its not just hard on me. My family have had to sit by and watch me hurt myself everyday and if they opened their mouths to "nag" at me I would have scowled and told them where to go or pretended to listen and just nod my head. I couldn't change until I was ready to do it and I'm not sure anyone could convince me otherwise. People have tried, my Mother, my Granddad who struggled himself, and many more of my family, but it was also hard on my romantic relationships.

Dating me was once accepting responsibility for an addict as well as having a boyfriend. It has been described as heart breaking to stand by and watch me hurt myself and be powerless to stop me. It was also horrible for me to know everyday day that I was letting someone down. the fact that I was embarrassed to go out because nothing fit right was depriving my partner of the same, the fact that I'd need to make some lame excuse why I couldn't do something because I couldn't manage to walk there, the knowledge that they would be better off with someone else and knowing that they are going to realize that. Who wants to live like that... I have heard of shellfish with more going for them.

It was painful knowing that whoever I was with had looked past my disabilities and decided to stay anyway, that they had decided to short change themselves because of how much they liked me. They must have realized at first that dating me meant no bike rides or bush walks, no mountain climbing or bungee jumping, they must of realized that... but then I got worse as I always did and that meant no dancing, no strolls and frequent bouts of ill health and no one signed up for that. 

Worse that all of that was never feeling secure in my relationships because of how I felt about myself, never understanding why someone would want to be with you leaves you pretty sensitive and meek. I got insecure about other people around my relationships because if there is someone else interested in my partner... why should she pick me. I feared and wanted them to leave, feared for me and wanted for them. At the end of the day i wanted them to be happy but I clung out of fear of being alone. There is nothing sexier than a clingy guy... 

So many people have tried to help me and I really hated myself for hurting people so close to me, but I shrugged it off because to let them in, to let in everything when I wasn't ready for it was dangerous. I couldn't listen to them until I was ready to change, I wouldn't even acknowledge that I had a problem and like the ostrich with its end in the sand I continued.

Part 9:Have you met my new friend Gym?

I don't care how anti violence anyone is... everyone should own an punching bag. I have been going to the gym lately and working on my weight, but last time was special. I destroyed a punching bag (And my finger and wrist). I punched the crap out of it in a feverish frustration with so many things, I really am surprised its still swinging. When I had finished punching this innocent punching bag I felt good. It really helps to work out some feelings.

I have decided to view the gym as an adversary, I walk in and mentally say "fuck you, bet you didn't think I'd be back". fortunately my level of insanity hasn't progressed to the point where the gym says anything back... yet. It feels good to walk in there and just know in half an hour or so I'm going to be in terrible pain, which is not something I can say I have experienced before.

When did water start tasting good? Thats weird, I swear someone has stolen my taste buds. its been at least two weeks since I have even wanted a custard square... all these changes its like puberty all over again except less embarrassing... wait nope, about the same level of embarrassment. But seriously the few times I have had junk food it hasn't lived up to my memories of it. So doing I'm doing ok on that front (even though the bartender last night told me about a liquor you can add to a hot chocolate that makes it taste like a bounty bar).

Also lately I'm having something of an adversarial relationship with scales... I suspect some are tricking me, but I have measured myself on two reliable ones and between the two of them I can work out I'm somewhere between 183-185kgs which is 16-14kgs lighter than my heaviest... holy fucking wow. I'm not getting to excited as I know at the start you can lose heaps and then its slow going, So I am realistic about the frustrating time that will follow this easy burst of weight loss. All the same I'm losing chins and happy for it.

You know I have a pain in my hand from the punching bag, a weariness in my knees from the exercise bike and cuts on my feat from where they have split from walking, but you know what I feel good... So I'm going to go say fuck you to my new friend Gym.

Eli Nelson
183-185kgs or something.

Part 8:Filed away all prettylike

For most of my life I have lived filed away as a page, filed away in a folder, hidden in a filing cabinet in a dingy room somewhere underground. I aged in this filing cabinet but I never grew up, I observed but never experienced. In my filing cabinet I inhaled the many adventures belonging to the surroundings of my dingy room and pretended to be content. Laughing it off as the inability to do anything suffocated me and those around me, reducing my life to mere steps from where I lived.

Until life sent me a cyclone, it ripped apart the roof of the room where I'd hidden the filing cabinet and with a primal fury that only a manifestation of rock fucking bottom could achieve, it picked up that filing cabinet and dashed it to pieces, until all that remained were the fluttering pages in the wind. When they came to rest the piece of paper titled Eli Nelson contained one little word that breathed a new life into me, it was HOPE.

The knowledge that i had a chance to succeed was all it took to revolt against my lifestyle and while I'm not winning every battle, I'm going to win the bloody war. Its hard everyday, but I feel so much better for it when I when I succeed. For as long as I can remember I have been stuck in this inescapable nightmare without sight of a way out the resembled anything pretty. Although I have so far to go, the odds seem in my favor. I have supportive family and friends, the right medical people in place and the ability to exercise and eat well. That said while I didn't have any chocolate I'm very glad Easter is well and truly over!

I'm enjoying getting out and doing more, even just feeling better about going for a wander, I'm sure things will continue improving and I'm excited. I still find it weird my life had to fall to pieces before I could complete the puzzle, oh well I got to rock bottom got a Tshirt and now I'm going to work hard until that Tshirt fits!

Eli Nelson

Part 7:I'm in your pantry, eating your biscuits.

Some people wonder how I ballooned up to the size of a small planet while a child, often people assume it was due to some vile negligence on behalf on my parents, but that offends me... Both my parents tried really hard to help and guide me into making sensible choices. The problem is I have always possessed a cunning mind, especially when it came to junk food. It was my fix, I needed it... and I'll tell you how i managed it.

I gave myself rules, some made sense... others not so much. The principle rule was don't get caught, but there was also the rule never to open something, because I'd be blamed for eating it all and this way who knew how much someone else had eaten before me. I also stayed away from the chocolate that the girls would like the most and ate bread or crackers instead hoping it wouldn't be missed. 

My Mum tried to motivate me into exercising by letting me keep my bus money if I rode my bike to school, but to my detriment on the way home I'd stop off at the dairy and grab a big bottle of fizzy and what ever lollies my bus money would get me. Sneaky sneaky. How did I dispose of all the bottles? well I hid them under my bed and dropped them in a bin when I biked to school.

Surely that means I ate lots at school right? well actually I ate very little. When I did have food on me i'd go somewhere alone to munch it, because every bite I took I felt vulnerable to mockery or pity. It got to a point where friends of mine worried that they had never seen me eat, which got me more attention than had I eaten around them in the first place.

I look forward to reaching a point where eating for me doesn't bring on anxiety about how i'm perceived by others, but I know I need to understand why I feel so compelled to eat before I can start fixing it and that's a conversation with myself I have avoided for twenty years...

Eli Nelson

Part 6: You're gonna go far kid

I'm actually pursuing my own happiness, I said fuck you to that torrent of voices screaming "its too hard" and "you'll fail". I said fuck you and bit into an apple, I'm going to try and if the best I can do is try and fail then I'd be happy. But to not try? To waste more of my life pursuing my own destruction with a dazed look in my eyes and some ice cream around my mouth, Screw that. I've spent to long in a sugar coma and It's time to wake up. 

I have begun to notice changes, small to begin with but steadily growing, I'm able to walk for an extended period of time without needing a break, I able to fit more clothing than I was a month ago, I finally can fit into my suit (I cried when I found out it fits I was that happy) and I feel better about myself.

I'm finding walking actually fun, which is a huge mindset change. If you had told me three months ago that any exercise would be fun I would have laughed at you over the xbox controller I was holding. Now however I'm actually quite pumped to do active things, I went out and danced on Saturday night (Awkward as that was!). I'm also really excited to do my gym orientation so I can start going to the gym! its weird to think not so long ago I wasn't able to walk very far at all without being tired and short of breath. 

Another change I have been really surprised with is the reaction I have to the idea of junk food. Most of the time if you offered me junk food now i'd be disgusted, like I was actually being offered poison. I'm beginning to hate the idea of sugar or fat, which means staying away from most obvious temptations is simple. Its only the rare craving that I need to watch out for now (Damn you custard squares, Damn you!!!).

Also the way I view myself is changing, I'm more positive about my body image and am beginning to feel more confident in myself, I hold my head higher and feel better for it. I think actually writing down my experiences has helped heaps, as before I had never said half of the things to anyone, that I'm telling everyone now. Its working wonders.

I feel amazing.

Eli Nelson

Part 5: The end the rainbow

Lets talk goals. The payoff. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. That painful, elusive rainbow. Its the end of the rainbow that drives us, even when it remains unseen. The payoff is there and all you need to do is change your entire mindset and the way you live your life... shit that sounds hard... why would I do that? because I think it will be worth it.

Becoming fit won't grant me magic happiness that will endure through all things, but Zeus dammit it would help so much. I'll tell you whats in store for me when I'm done to a normal size. Aeroplane travel, Seat belts that fit, kayaking, skate boarding, regular clothes, any chair I desire, all the girls (Shush), sleeping through an entire night, longer life expectancy, swimming topless, more confidence, less random street abuse, different job opportunities... damn... That is a long list. 

There is another goal that I dear not even want, that I don't consider because it is so terrifying that I can't even fabricate the reality in my mind in which it could exist. One day I think I want to have kids, but I could never be obese and have children, I could never be to over weight to take them to the park, bike rides, swimming or anything they wanted to do. I would never put my children what I went through. My kids won't miss out. So unless I can get down to a weight in which I'm fit enough to do all of those things, the option of children doesn't even exist for me.

I'm doing alot to work on my goals, yesterday I went see a dietitian and I'm signing up for a gym today. I have been walking heaps and am surprised how easy that is becoming. Most importantly my younger sister has a wild child who is three years old, I call him wild because that boy has energy. I'm normally not the one to keep him entertained because he exhausts me, but a couple of days ago I ran around with him, kicked a soccer ball and played on the playground.

I have a long way to go before I see the pot of gold, but its just fucking brilliant to know that its there.

Eli Nelson

Part 4:Bullying, Breasts and Bravery

I got you with the title didn't I, the men read breasts and were hooked... stay tuned to be disappointed.

It is far from my intention to go to a dark place with this entry, but unfortunately for many people this is a dark place indeed... School. I'm going to start with KIDS CAN BE CRUEL, I'm sure everyone has had some kind of bullying at school and If they weren't bullied then I pity them a little, because it instills great qualities in the bullied. Understanding kids can be cruel I'd like to say I don't bear any anger towards the people who gave me a hard time at school, but my inner child is hungry to speak (and he's a big lad.)

I started getting bigger at three, and looking back I was a chubby little boy but you wouldn't be placing bets on me for Sumo wrestling any time around then, I was quite cute with the one chin but sadly I was to gain more. By the time I was ten I was the biggest kid at my school (I ate the smaller ones and lived under a bridge... True story) and I had established a bad name with my teachers (not for stealing lunchs! That's a horrible conclusion to jump to. god even the word jump makes me exhausted), I was a bit of a scrapper and I wasn't easily deterred. Now I know what you are thinking, "but Eli you are so lovely and wise and charming! why oh why would you fight?" Shut up and I'll tell you.

I fought kids because they teased me, I fought some of the ones that were stupid enough to fight. I was a big kid and before puberty weight counts for alot when the boy you are fighting looks like a stiff breeze would snap him! Fighting was me trying to get them to stop, I doubt I could have debated with them so I used my fists, It never worked... worse it got me in alot of trouble, I have been stood down, suspended and threatened by a principal with boarding school (My mum told him where to put that idea). Finally I did some anger management... and I pretended that worked. I stopped fighting back, I took the insults and let it build up, hoping one day to figure out where to put this anger. I'm still looking.

When I was about fourteen, there was a boy at my school who was sixteen and built like a rugby player, He used to walk past and grab my chest, because weight unfortunately doesn't understand that's the worst place it could go for a man. It wasn't anything weird, he just wanted to torment me, he'd call me names... some of the worst I have ever had. He would make me miserable. This carried on till the point where I could no longer stand the humiliation, I wasn't angry I'd just had enough that I reached a point that I broke. Now when I was an angry little kid I had two modes of breakdown, I'd either get sad or I'd get angry, this time was different. With the cold determination of a victim that was finished with their ordeal I stood up to him in a short but eventful fistfight, I got that bastard on the ground, he made my nose click for a month whenever I touched it. That was it. I certainly didn't win that fight, but I didn't lose. He never teased me again.

I ran into the guy a couple of years ago he was very happy to see me, he told me what he'd been up to and talked to me like I was an old friend, I think I gained his respect by standing up for myself. Bizarre... I certainly don't advocate fighting to solve problems but it seemed to solve this one.

School is a hard place for many people and lots will have had worse experiences than me, I wish I could say that I enjoyed school, I felt uncomfortable in uniforms limited by size, I was bullied, I got into fights, I missed out on alot of the physical activities and clubs... but you know what? a rough stone in a raging river becomes smooth.

Eli Nelson
193 Kgs

Part 3:Healthy?

Healthy? If I had a Kg for every time someone told me to eat healthy i'd weigh twice as much as I do. Healthy? Whats healthy? apples right? Apples are great (mystical doctor repelling and all), But they have sugar in them, natural sugar for sure but all the same sugar. I get it you are thinking ok that is one thing, big deal. But carrots have carbs! shit carbs! those terrible things. Well I found out that the only energy our brain can use is from carbohydrates. We are also told that fasting is bad for the body, yet several diets recommend it. 

I recently met someone who referred to carbs as not allowed for them because of their diet but I was allowed them, because I hadn't decided on that particular diet... surely carbs are either good or bad or ok, labeling them won't change their properties. By this point you are bored right? my bad I'll cut to my point. Healthy is a point of view. There is no ONE diet, theres millions. Which one is right for me? 

it's a slightly less appealing choice than which ice cream flavor to buy at the supermarket, so too often I said fuck that picked up my cookies and cream and went to pay at the counter. Problem was I paid with more than cash, every time I picked up my ice cream I travelled further and further away from being able to do anything I wanted to do. You know the saddest part, I began to convince myself that I didn't want to do any of the things I couldn't do anyway. I allowed myself to think that I was ok with not being able to fit in a kayak, sit in that flimsy looking chair, or walk a normal distance to go shopping. Well something had to stop. To fix this pattern I had to stop buying ice cream, I have stopped buying it but I'm still paying for, I had to figure out my version of healthy... This is in progress. My mindset is changing, I'm beginning to like my coffee black, I brought fruit and veges this week and none of the crap that normally seduces its way into my trolley. I am proud of myself for having the strength to resist, not all the time mind you, CUSTARD SQUARES haunt me daily!!! But mostly I'm good and I feel better for it. Thanks for your support,

Eli Nelson
193ish Kgs .

Part 2:Dealing with being different and other ramblings.

Dealing with being different and other ramblings.

If any of my (Many) readers are overweight or even just feel like they are physically different, going out can be quite a nerve racking experience. Its not that you realistically expect confrontation, that someone will yell out "Hey ugly!" because for the most part they don't, all the same I have a very real fear of going out in public sometimes and I'll tell you why.

When I have to journey out of my comfort soon it is likely to obtain more food (He hunts!) or see family (to my relief food is often included in this social transaction), I occasionally become something of a spectacle to the general public. For the most part, its the glances, people see a man my height and weight and think... shit... What do they feed him? Mostly these people are alright, I'm different and its a little surprising at first, I can get that. I even understand why little kids point at me and whisper to their parents (Likely something along the lines of "GODZILLA"), I understand but it hurts.

What is really horrible is the grown ups, people who have lived far to long to be so disgustingly rude and you know what guys? its mostly you. I don't think girls have ever yelled insults at me while driving past me, but guys have, multiple times. Fuck that. If I did that to a person with bulimia or someone who had a physical disability you'd want me shot (I'd even give you the bullets), because that person is unwell and deserves at the very least the basic human respect we should extend to all people. People deserve if not to be embraced for their differences at least to be left alone.

I'd like to give a special mention to the lovely guy I met in Petone while waiting for a bus, apparently that's all I need to do to attract attention as a fat person. We were both at the bus stop to go to lower hutt (I was sitting, as my legs get sore easily) when he decided to ask when I was going to consult Jenny Craig in his gruff manner. To my eternal shame I sat there I didn't say anything as inside I raged. I raged at myself, not at him, what he said wasn't even very clever, no I raged at myself because I took this punishment and was going to do nothing. What happened next was due to the power of shame.

I stood up. Fists clenched, admittedly weak heart pounding. I turned to this for lack of better words "oxygen waster" and said to him as my voice wavered in anger and misery "WHo THe fUck dO yOu ThinK yOU arE, ThAT YOu Who KnOws NothinG Of Me MAy JudGe Me, YoU Don't KnoW Me. How Dear you attack me when I'm JUST SITTING HERE!" I was a titan for that moment as I stood resilient against a guy who could have easily taken me in a fight I was so keen to instigate. What happened next I can only attribute to the power of shame.

He apologized. Wordlessly I turned away, I was crying. A good friend of mine from across the road had seen what had happened and by this time had reached where I was. She gestured me away from the bus stop and led me to a place anyway from Jenny Craig Man. I broke down. In the middle of my home town I cried. I cried because I nearly took the insult and didn't say anything, I cried because I was so used to the idea of being judged that standing up for myself only occurred out of shame, But you know mostly I cried because this guy destroyed a huge chunk of my happiness and didn't do it out of any conviction (I very much doubt he hated fat people) he did it just because it wasn't a big deal to him. I'd like to say that he didn't get to me, that I carried on with my day as normal, but it did get to me, I cancelled plans with my kickass sister (who would have very likely broken his neck in twelve places had she been there) and her charming son. Zeus I love my family, they disregarded my desire to be alone and showed up anyway. That is support.

This was a little while ago, I now look back and feel nothing but motivated, not to be like that guy who was skinny and strong and likely had very few people be mean to him, I want to be fit and strong and retain the morals and sensitivity that I have developed as a overweight person. So thank you Jenny Craig Guy, I'm going to be better than you.

Alright off for a walk now ;)

Eli Nelson
194ish Kgs

Part 1: The Phantom Lettuce

Dear Diary...

Shit I mean blog... Ok how do you even start one of these things...

My name is Eli, I went shopping yesterday, Clothes shopping in fact. In the middle of Christchurch there is a warehouse style building with mountains of clothes... second hand clothes in fact. Three dollars an item! Bet you are thinking "wowwawewa Eli you must be excited" but I'm not. Because I can't fit a damn thing. To be fair the reason I can't fit anything short of a tent is partly my fault. Partly. I'm going to mention a couple of other things here just quickly. Advertising aimed at children, Playgrounds at the restaurants with the worse foods and dear god... veges? Taste disgusting. I could go on but lets not. I'm OBESE clocking in at 199 kgs at my worse, OBESE (And whichever skinny fucker came up with that word... I will eat you.) and that's not a word I ever like using, it makes me weep inside that the term 'fat" no longer applies to me. Give me back fat... I can do that.

Well to my eternal discontent I look like a fat homeless santa. I fit horrible looking clothes designed by people who most likely hate fat people. I wish to look good. That guy in the tidy three piece suit that he brought at a regular store chatting up the pretty girl at the bar, I wish that was me. Well my Granny (The Witch) affectionately told me "You don't get what you wish for, You get what you want". Basically stop your dreaming Eli and get your shit together...

Well... I am getting my shit together, maybe with the speed of a special Olympic hurdler but its happening. I have reduced my intake of that precious stuff called food to something less resembling a small family and more akin to the amount a person should eat. I am getting more mobile so getting out of the house is more and more of an option. I am finally making some headway towards becoming a person again, because beforehand the life I was living wasn't worth a second of the life I will be able to live once my loved ones can fit their arms around me.

This is the introduction to my experiences as an attractive beautiful person hiding in a fat suit I have never been able to take off. By the end of this blog I'm going to be fit and fucking amazing, or your money back.

Eli Nelson
194ish Kgs