The hardest part of being severely overweight is the soul crushing lack of motivation that comes with it, the apathetic feeling that somehow makes everything that should be important to you just not matter, the act of dressing up for company subsides and the food stupor leaves you hibernating inside instead of facing the world. Many little things stack up into one giant problem and you realise one bloody terrifying thing... you are depressed.
Its easy to fall into a pattern of self loathing and disdain, It is almost impossible to break. I sometimes lose myself looking in the mirror trying to recognise the creature peering back at me. I wonder how I could be so stupid to let me get this size, I compare myself to what I imagine people want to look like and I shudder. On every day that I do this I count myself lucky... because those are the days I care.
The worst days are the ones where I pretend It's all ok, that I don't mind the face staring back it me, when I don't mind the way I look and feel... when I ignore the shudder and pretend I'm ok. Thats the apathy. Its insidious and hard to eradicate but I am finding its possible.
Every day I wake up and face a different Eli, sometimes I'm motivated some days I'm not, most days I am an indiscernible mixture of the two. I try to make the most of the positive and minimize the negative. I attempt to power through the depressing thoughts and some days I lose. The point is a the moment I am trying and for the first time in my adult life I'm winning more than losing and I count that as a victory worth celebrating.
I know this is a long road and I have only begun my journey but I'd like to think the fact the I have begun any journey is a welcome sign, so onwards to happiness and what not!
Eli Nelson
Every day you write, engage, strive, and share IS a victory!
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