To be obese (and yes every agitated particle of my being hates using that word) means to live in fear of phantom illnesses, to be worried not about what you have now but whats right around the corner. I want to tell you the fears I have carried since I was a little boy... but by even voicing them I feel like I'm breathing life to them. The only reason I'm able to discuss them now is because I know that there is hope for me to get better rather than fall to them.
Diabetes are a haunting nightmare, the kind that will never go away. I live in fear of contracting an illness that is already in older generations of my family. Knowing that I'm extremely at risk never helps alleviate that fear. Every time my doctors want to check for it I deflate and go somewhere else in my head. Its getting to the point I don't want to be tested for it anymore which is not one of my most intelligent reasoning's.
Becoming bed bound has been a fear for the last year or so, knowing that I might get to the point where I literally couldn't move was terrifying beyond belief. The idea of being a young adult confined to a room because of my own stupid choices seems impossibly far fetched... but I was making that a reality, a horrible disgusting reality. I have work to do before that is no longer a possibility, only persistence will see me through.\
Lets mention the one thing I have spent my adult life living in mortal fear, that cold feeling I get when my body starts to tingle, my chest bubbly and my world spin. I'm talking about heart attacks. I have never had one. I don't know what it would feel like, I can't imagine. What I can imagine however is that every single affliction I have that is inexplicable is somehow a heart attack in my head. My mind tells me I'm going to die, disregarding how the rest of me feels. It tells me this is the end and through my fear I believe it. I could tell you how many times I have cried in front of my friends and asked them to check in on me, or I could tell you the amount of times I have gone to the hospital and had the gel smeared on my chest to scan my heart but i think you get the point.
Fear, horror and a grizzly end is what I always imagined waiting for me, people have warned me I may die these ways or perhaps worse... live these ways. I'm terrified, it has never gone away and I doubt it ever will. It is not the way to live, jumping at shadows and finding your insecurities, but I don't know any other way to live. I'm hoping losing weight also results in being able let go of this fear I have carried with me.
Eli Nelson
No comments:
Post a Comment