Part 28:Big boned but not thick skined

I'm going to start this by saying that most of time I can let things go and not get my worked up, but every now and then it just gets too much.

So the other I had an interesting experience, I went shopping at the supermarket and had the misfortune of my mp3 player pause between songs at just the wrong moment. To my dismay in a crowded super market I hear the shrill voice of a small child laughing and saying "Daddy look at that big fat man!". Lets just freeze time right there for a second.

In that moment the first thought that popped into my head was. *I am not a man* Because in my mind I'm not. I don't have the grown up outlook on life to consider myself an adult and masculinity is so far out of my reach I might as well be jumping for the stars...

The second thought was *Damn, that just happened.*

These two thoughts kept me stunned as I walked past this family unit... until my third thought kicks in. Most eloquently expressed as

*Rarghhhhhhhhh!*

My fist clench's my now lifeless mp3 player and I turn at lock my eyes on "Daddy" from fifteen metres away I burn holes into the mans head. I'm angry. I'm angry at this man not teaching his kid that people are different, I'm angry at his kid laughing, I'm angry that I'm embarrassed and I'm angry at me. He doesn't notice me. Anger subsides slowly.

I turn away and my eyes dart to my shopping basket. I remove everything without merit and go and spend the last of my money of healthy food. I do this not because I want to, but because someone else has laughed at me into feeling crap about the body I live in.

I want to be healthy and feel good about myself. I want to feel pretty. I want to go out in public and not be laughed at.

But I'm not going to do anything because other people make me feel bad. I will do it for myself, slowly clawing back my health like a pissed off sloth and when I'm done you won't recognize the person you laughed at.

I'm overweight. I'm also intelligent, kind and hilarious. I am more than what I present myself to be and every time someone has counted me down I surprise them. After feeling crap for a good portion of that night I went out dancing with some friends and danced until three in the morning. I can't dance by the way, but I did.



Eli Nelson