Part 19: Killed my idols, melted down my vinyl.

I think one of the hardest bits is expecting instant big changes. I don't mean I woke up this morning and I expected to be able to go for a massive marathon or thought I'd be able to sick tricks on my skateboard while a crowd of onlookers looked... onward(?) chanting my name. I mean all that would be nice and everything... but I am still struggling with some things I wish I weren't.

Also understanding my limits is a big one at the moment, I don't know what I can do and what I can't without getting very sick again and ending up in hospital once more. I guess my strategy of taking it easy on Drylandia and going  full on in the water is a sensible one... yet each night I try to get to sleep I am attacked by thoughts that tonight is the night that I wake up unable to walk again, that this next week is going to be hell or worst... that I might not improve this time.

It's really easy to think that I'm being overly concerned, but I normally have these flare ups 1-2 times a month and doing more increase that risk and currently... I'm doing heaps. It's so strange to not be able to trust the skin you are in to cooperate with you. I want to yell at my body, "Look, I'm getting the sunlight, I'm eating the greens and I'm doing the moving so back the hell off" but the message gets lost in translation.

I think that I had a bit of doubt about starting this blog a little while back, I thought that I wanted people to know me as my fictionalized self... that cleverly created digital construct of a person. Never saying anything too bold and meekly existing in a totally non challenging way. I thought that if I just stayed in my room you'd remember me in my youth. There was a resigned weakness about me like a shadow afraid of the light. Last year I wouldn't have admitted to an audience that I almost didn't go see a movie with my family because I had to be concerned whether I'd fit in the chair or that I hate public transport as I am so big and unwieldy that I hit everyone accidentally as I move down the aisle... but I think I have lived underground for far too long and I'm done with it.

I have started a new thing where I take lots of photos of myself to capture the slow changes and I am currently psyching myself to upload my worst photo ever to facebook to show my progress so far... I think its gotta be soon! I find myself seeing my reflection and not thinking "MONSTER" and have started thinking "Monster" so there's that.