It's weird to think we weren't really promised anything we take for granted it's just that over time the expectation that these things would be in place has enforced a sense of entitlement and boy do I have my fair share of it. It's kind of like when the last corner video store shutdown and you think to yourself in frustration... how am I going to rent five movies for five dollars that I never needed to watch now?
I think a lot of people will grieve for the weirdest things, it's like the cravings you have for chocolate or bread... except this time its people hurting from their retail addictions and other less considered problems. I admit I buy a lot of stuff to make me feel better, its a problem. I dress it up as collections but it's a deep emptiness that I try to fill with lots of things, food and consumerism being some of the more easily identifiable.
I am feeling a little weird because this is the second time that life has put the stops on the swimming progress. It feels a little like when you are playing a video game and you had out of bounds and the camera gently begins to guide you back on track. Sometimes I think of it like being well is just a downloadable content add on for life that I skimped out on paying for.
There's some anguish, I settling in for the idea that this is going to be a long lonely ninety days. Which is what has been recommended for someone in my position. I want to be able to swim, I want to be able to help. I want to be able to be there for the community I have grown to love over the last ten years. Instead it feels like the digital depression I had for much of my twenties, stuck behind a screen and existing in this weird state.
I'm still weirdly optimistic, whatever crazed thing that dragged me to swimming every day still screams me awake every morning like an army drill sergeant but with more flair. The depressive oppressive state just doesn't fit where I'm at right now so I'm avoiding slipping back into it by keeping busy.
Busy can look like a lot of things, for me lately its been a mixture of Sword practice, boxing, gardening, painting, dancing, craft projects, starting a board game library and attempting to make people laugh. So far... so good? I think we are all in a pretty uncertain time right now and everyone seems like they are a hell of a lot tougher than me, maybe its just that I have got to this beautiful point of being able to vocalize my feelings that I still feel the need to do so.
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