It's said a picture says a thousand words, though I was never too good at drawing. I do however believe based on all those well received creative writing assignments I wrote in college for other people in my english class... I have some ability to write. Huge apologies to my English teacher by the way, that wasn't so cool of me I guess. I have digressed, where was I? Oh yes, tonight I'm visited by a familiar friend that I wanted to introduce you to... as I attempt to paint this panic attack.
A classic panic attack can feel like a lot of things, to me personally it feels like falling backwards into a realm in which no air can fill my lungs, my brain begins to scream with two voices simultaneously, "Eli, you are falling" and "Eli, this is all in your head". One of the voices screams so much louder than the other, as I begin to die.
Now I'm not really dying, that's just my brain being kind of dramatic. I have ceased to breathe properly by this point, as I subconsciously cling on to the shreds of air I have already in my lungs and struggle to exhale. In mere seconds the world feels like it's rushing up at me, strangling me. In reality my breathing, blood pressure and heart rate are all within acceptable tolerances but try telling that to the panic. It's growing and hyperventilation is near, mental techniques kick in as I struggle to resist being done in by it's persistence. I win each time, I retain consciousness and eventually begin to be able to breath once more.
What causes these? I have a few things that will almost certainly help them manifest, though they are able to appear without cause. My two main triggers are so different from each other. The first is easy to explain, I am terrified of the highway and the speed at which cars drift like metal death traps along it... the fact that no one else finds this absolutely terror inducing will always remain a mystery to me.
The second is... weird. I don't really understand it. I have a fear of vast things (Which honestly is kind of ironic). It's this strange caveman like mentality, comprehending things like the depth of the ocean, how large jupiter is or trying to picture large numbers of things leaves me a shivering wreck. I just want to drop to the ground and scream. I feel weak for admitting this, but I know that there is such strength in being honest. I feel like this fear comes from a lack of being able to control external factors in my life, please forgive me my faults I'm a control freak... but an honest one.
You might be wondering why I'm telling you this and it this time. I just travelled to this point by way of the worst three hour panic attack I've ever felt and I wanted to be honest. I wanted to let you know that sometimes my brain just decides that everything is scary. I wanted to help normalise it for those of you out there that suffer from them silently. I wanted to illuminate and paint a picture of my irrational panic so if it's alien to you it is no longer so.
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