Life's been crazy... but that quiet kind of creeping still crazy where nothing seems to be happening externally and it's all inner turmoil and stress. Most of us are going through the same strain as we wait to see what shape the world takes when this thing is in the past.
Normally for myself the world is a place where I take refuge in from myself. Every part of life is a cultivated distraction to stop myself from turning my thoughts inwards... because honestly my horrid depression and self loathing play a rough and ruthless game of tag team destruction if left to run rampant. I thought to myself as lockdown began, oh god don't lock me in here with myself.
Recent discussions though have begun to shed some light on how I have changed, sometimes without realizing that it was happening. I began to have better standards for myself, for what I owed to myself... and for how I lived my life.
I got tired of administering myself insults when kindness would suffice, I admitted my faults from a position of strength rather than weakness and I learnt to own the qualities others saw in me... both the good and the bad. Admittedly most of my qualities were both at the same time.
While I don't necessarily always like the person I have become it gives me great strength to know that they are someone I can coexist with. Even when the sounds of the distractions die down to a mere murmur I am able to avoid spiraling into the loathing I found unavoidable in my former years.
I hope other people are engaging on safe journeys of self reflection and notice something they like about themselves that they had not before. We can chose to some extent who is in our own bubble but we are always going to have to live with ourselves.
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