Part 34: I get by with a little help from my friends.

I can't do this alone, my experience so far and my understanding of how my simple little mind has taught me that. I know that I am weak sometimes and need to be held accountable for my actions or I will destroy myself slowly through a lack of caring. I am at my very core a flawed apathetic individual... and that is something I don't care to admit to all the people in my life but so be it. Without my family and select group of friends I don't stand much of a chance of achieving anything.

So armed with this knowledge and beginning to redouble my efforts instead of my weight I know now what I need to rebuild in order to get back on track and that is my support network. I had a good one before of gym buddies, dietitians, personal trainers and councilors as well as all of the people who read this, unfortunately I let myself slip for silly reasons so I now must reassemble the team.

The great part of temporarily failing myself is I now know what worked for me and what didn't, what was vital to my efforts and what was redundant. So I am hoping armed with this knowledge I can assemble a new support network that works.

Even if I manage to do this, the main drive has to come from me, no one else can cure me of all of my problems but I am hoping for a little readjustment when I veer of track... and I will. Honestly I'm bad at all of this, like really bad. I think If I win then it is going to make the victory sweeter and if I lose? Well lets just try to avoid that outcome shall we.

I know what needs to happen now, I have great people to help me and the prospect of swimming this Summer most days and hurting myself at the gym is seeming less and less like a chore and more fun. I still don't think I'm going to replace my beached bod with a beach bod anytime soon but I'm ok with that, I really want to be able to do more, not look pretty (Also I am pretty, my Mum told me!).

But...

There is one more thing I kind of want, it is going to seem silly and weird... but I kind of want an adversary. I want someone close to me to turn around and be like "screw you Eli you can't do it and also you have an inferior sense of humor" or something along those lines, I want someone to prove wrong... someone to keep me walking along not because you believe in me but because I never want you to be right.

I guess we are complex individuals because to me that makes a twisted sort of sense!

Eli Moon