Part 27: "Its going to take you places"

I have realized how indispensable anger is to me. It is my fuel. Over the course of filming this documentary the director asked me what had changed in me after of long of living the apathetic lifestyle of a boy wanting to die... I thought about it for quite a while and then it hit me. I wasn't angry enough. I wasn't angry enough at life, at the situation and most importantly I wasn't angry enough at myself.

Somewhere down the line I started to get frustrated, then angry, and finally furious all without making a change. I built up this feeling until it one day manifested into an angry walk to the beach. It was my first angry walk to the beach... It was not my last. I would be nowhere without that first angry walk, nothing happens instantly and that was the point where I knew I could do something... different.

Now that I'm plenty angry and those bursts of energy and rage want to propel me to a better place  I'm pretty keen to let them. I admit I messed up, I let myself get to a point that required a massive revamp of my personally and outlook on life. I let myself become this shell of a person. I stopped enjoying things like other peoples company and going to work.  Pardon my french but, Je ne suis pas fait jurer! Thats no life to live.

It would have been nice to rely on love, hope and the power of rainbows to get me through but If I need to smack punching bags around like a heavy weight contender then so be in. Punching bags feel my wrath! I swear they tremble when I show up at the gym. Anger gets things done. It takes me from feeling useless to destroying whatever junk food managed to follow me home this week.

I'm going to control this useful dark force and direct it where I want it to go and when I have no use for my anger... hopefully there is none left in me. I need it for now because there is so very far to go and I need the drive and passion. A couple of years from now I'm going to be a new person with no need for any darkness but today I'm glad I have some.