Part 22:The question I want answered.

I was once a person, until I was visited by a hunger that doesn’t cease. One day I found myself destroyed, I had hit the concrete floor of rock bottom... someone really close to me looked at me and said to others “there is nothing that can be done… Eli can’t be helped”. He meant it, he had given up on me and why shouldn’t he have, I had given up on myself. I was 99% helpless. But upon hearing the fact I was a write off that tiny 1% rebelled. I started this in pain, burning with hatred for myself and unsure of my conviction. I’m still here, I’m not broken and I will not die in this fat suit.

Dismissal helped me acknowledge the problem and help me put one foot in front of the other,  the very act of being able to move even though I was in pain helped me realise I wasn’t defeated I had just been lost for a very long time. I am trying to find my way now, I eat quite a bit better and get out and move way more but there is one part of this dynamic I haven’t started fighting yet.

I don’t know why I eat. I’m not hungry when I do it, nor am I overly emotional, I don’t know if I am “eating my feelings” or whether I do it out a habit. One thing for sure is that it is an addiction, maybe not a chemical one like smokes or drugs but I feel it all the same. When I started this I went through terrible withdrawals, I was lucky I spent ten full days in the beautiful middle of nowhere. It needs to be acknowledged though; I have no idea why I have been destroying myself.

I feel unless I find out why I do the things I do that my progress will be for naught, Oh and there is progress :P I ran for the first time in a long time today, actual running… down a main street. Such progress though will always be like giving mouth to mouth to a bullet wound if I don’t find out why I eat, its too easy to backslide into old habits.

So I guess I’m saying here is… I need help… professional help. I feel no shame in admitting that something has gone wrong, little boys are supposed to climb the mountain… not eat it. I think admitting this in writing to all of you will give me the strength to act on the aspect of weight loss I have yet to combat. “Once more into the breach dear friends.”

Eli Nelson

PS: a bit on the progress, I have just started at the gym with a fitness coach, she may be reading this… My arms ache from our first session, I’m going to get fit… or shes going to kill me trying. J I went for a walk and a run today and feel better for it. I walk differently and feel stronger. I hurt my foot and I could only hobble around not putting any weight on it for over a week but fortunately I didn’t put any weight back on! S