Part 2:Dealing with being different and other ramblings.

Dealing with being different and other ramblings.

If any of my (Many) readers are overweight or even just feel like they are physically different, going out can be quite a nerve racking experience. Its not that you realistically expect confrontation, that someone will yell out "Hey ugly!" because for the most part they don't, all the same I have a very real fear of going out in public sometimes and I'll tell you why.

When I have to journey out of my comfort soon it is likely to obtain more food (He hunts!) or see family (to my relief food is often included in this social transaction), I occasionally become something of a spectacle to the general public. For the most part, its the glances, people see a man my height and weight and think... shit... What do they feed him? Mostly these people are alright, I'm different and its a little surprising at first, I can get that. I even understand why little kids point at me and whisper to their parents (Likely something along the lines of "GODZILLA"), I understand but it hurts.

What is really horrible is the grown ups, people who have lived far to long to be so disgustingly rude and you know what guys? its mostly you. I don't think girls have ever yelled insults at me while driving past me, but guys have, multiple times. Fuck that. If I did that to a person with bulimia or someone who had a physical disability you'd want me shot (I'd even give you the bullets), because that person is unwell and deserves at the very least the basic human respect we should extend to all people. People deserve if not to be embraced for their differences at least to be left alone.

I'd like to give a special mention to the lovely guy I met in Petone while waiting for a bus, apparently that's all I need to do to attract attention as a fat person. We were both at the bus stop to go to lower hutt (I was sitting, as my legs get sore easily) when he decided to ask when I was going to consult Jenny Craig in his gruff manner. To my eternal shame I sat there I didn't say anything as inside I raged. I raged at myself, not at him, what he said wasn't even very clever, no I raged at myself because I took this punishment and was going to do nothing. What happened next was due to the power of shame.

I stood up. Fists clenched, admittedly weak heart pounding. I turned to this for lack of better words "oxygen waster" and said to him as my voice wavered in anger and misery "WHo THe fUck dO yOu ThinK yOU arE, ThAT YOu Who KnOws NothinG Of Me MAy JudGe Me, YoU Don't KnoW Me. How Dear you attack me when I'm JUST SITTING HERE!" I was a titan for that moment as I stood resilient against a guy who could have easily taken me in a fight I was so keen to instigate. What happened next I can only attribute to the power of shame.

He apologized. Wordlessly I turned away, I was crying. A good friend of mine from across the road had seen what had happened and by this time had reached where I was. She gestured me away from the bus stop and led me to a place anyway from Jenny Craig Man. I broke down. In the middle of my home town I cried. I cried because I nearly took the insult and didn't say anything, I cried because I was so used to the idea of being judged that standing up for myself only occurred out of shame, But you know mostly I cried because this guy destroyed a huge chunk of my happiness and didn't do it out of any conviction (I very much doubt he hated fat people) he did it just because it wasn't a big deal to him. I'd like to say that he didn't get to me, that I carried on with my day as normal, but it did get to me, I cancelled plans with my kickass sister (who would have very likely broken his neck in twelve places had she been there) and her charming son. Zeus I love my family, they disregarded my desire to be alone and showed up anyway. That is support.

This was a little while ago, I now look back and feel nothing but motivated, not to be like that guy who was skinny and strong and likely had very few people be mean to him, I want to be fit and strong and retain the morals and sensitivity that I have developed as a overweight person. So thank you Jenny Craig Guy, I'm going to be better than you.

Alright off for a walk now ;)

Eli Nelson
194ish Kgs