Part 10:Romance in a plus sized world.

Being big is hard, but its not just hard on me. My family have had to sit by and watch me hurt myself everyday and if they opened their mouths to "nag" at me I would have scowled and told them where to go or pretended to listen and just nod my head. I couldn't change until I was ready to do it and I'm not sure anyone could convince me otherwise. People have tried, my Mother, my Granddad who struggled himself, and many more of my family, but it was also hard on my romantic relationships.

Dating me was once accepting responsibility for an addict as well as having a boyfriend. It has been described as heart breaking to stand by and watch me hurt myself and be powerless to stop me. It was also horrible for me to know everyday day that I was letting someone down. the fact that I was embarrassed to go out because nothing fit right was depriving my partner of the same, the fact that I'd need to make some lame excuse why I couldn't do something because I couldn't manage to walk there, the knowledge that they would be better off with someone else and knowing that they are going to realize that. Who wants to live like that... I have heard of shellfish with more going for them.

It was painful knowing that whoever I was with had looked past my disabilities and decided to stay anyway, that they had decided to short change themselves because of how much they liked me. They must have realized at first that dating me meant no bike rides or bush walks, no mountain climbing or bungee jumping, they must of realized that... but then I got worse as I always did and that meant no dancing, no strolls and frequent bouts of ill health and no one signed up for that. 

Worse that all of that was never feeling secure in my relationships because of how I felt about myself, never understanding why someone would want to be with you leaves you pretty sensitive and meek. I got insecure about other people around my relationships because if there is someone else interested in my partner... why should she pick me. I feared and wanted them to leave, feared for me and wanted for them. At the end of the day i wanted them to be happy but I clung out of fear of being alone. There is nothing sexier than a clingy guy... 

So many people have tried to help me and I really hated myself for hurting people so close to me, but I shrugged it off because to let them in, to let in everything when I wasn't ready for it was dangerous. I couldn't listen to them until I was ready to change, I wouldn't even acknowledge that I had a problem and like the ostrich with its end in the sand I continued.